Sometimes, when I write these wrap up posts, I like to look at last year’s post, just to see how different it is. If I had to put a time stamp on it, I would put October last year as when I started to have a really rough time, not just with blogging, but with my own mental health. The last year has been really hard, with the last 3-4 months being particularly challenging.
I do feel sometimes like I’m writing about this a little too much. How many times can people read “I’m having a hard time right now” without thinking, aren’t you always having a hard time? And yeah, it sure does feel like that doesn’t it. But often, my “hard times” get cut by me forcing myself to do things: signing up for Barre classes, going to meetings even though I feel miserable, joining stock photo subscription services to improve my social media.
What I’m saying is: it’s hard to have on-going, longterm depression, no matter what, but there is something uniquely awful about having high functioning depression. My home never looks totally wrecked; I can’t stay in bed even if I want to (because if nothing else, I have to take care of Forrest); the things I need to do get done. People think I’m ok, but I’m not; they just think I’m a bit of whiner, or an asshole, or both.
All that to say: this year is hard for a lot of people. I didn’t expect for October to be a great month, but I thought perhaps it would be a bit better than it was. October is my favorite month, but part of me can’t wait for it to be over and gone. There were so many things I wanted badly to happen, that didn’t; plans I made that went completely awry; and goals that I just couldn’t reach. I’m making the teeniest, tiniest baby steps towards being better.
One thing that fills me with a small amount of terror about writing all that out is this: in blogging, it often seems best to present yourself as a completed project. It would be very easy for me to slip on a mask and say, I’m a freelance writer now! I’m doing great! I have all the answers! I’m hitting goals and doing well and not crying about Christmas pajamas on a Sunday morning! I don’t lie awake at night wishing that I hadn’t been laid off in July! But that’s just not true. I’m a beginner in this life and it’s not one I really planned on. I still don’t know what I’m doing somedays, as a content marketer or as a parent. I wish I could tell you the exact answers for everything, but I can’t! It’s ok to be a beginner. We don’t emerge fully formed as expert businesswomen ready to sell someone an ebook about how they, too, can be an expert businessman.
Anyway, without further ado, let’s talk about everything that happened this month.
1. Embracing body confidence.
(Trigger warning for content!)
I didn’t know how to include this in a heading, but I’m been working on my body confidence lately. Some days are better than others. It’s so very, very easy to indulge in body positivity… for other people. I think like most people who are conscious right now I’m slightly enamored with Lizzo; I wish I could have her behind me, every moment of every day, telling me to believe in myself, that I am lovely and perfect as I am. But it’s hard to embrace my inner Lizzo (is my positive subconscious named Lizzo now!? Yes) when my inner mean ass editor is saying, “you look like a tree trunk” at the same time.
One of the hardest parts of depression for me is that I always gain just enough weight to not fit into about 65% of my wardrobe. I truly don’t care that much, but not having clothes to wear everyday is painful and embarrassing. Day to day, I feel fine in my larger body, but when I’m trying to get dressed and just slightly too large for everything I own? Good god, can my body just stop?
2. We went to a pumpkin patch.
Would it be an October without a trip to the pumpkin patch!? We actually made it twice, once with Danny’s parents and once for Forrest’s first field trip! On our first trip, we indulged in some apple cider donuts from Thistledown Farms in Eugene, which were so delicious. After Forrest’s field trip, he and I carved the pumpkin he picked out, ate cookies together, and talked about his favorite part of the pumpkin patch (the cow train). I’ve loved pumpkins since I was very, very small and pumpkin was one of Forrest’s first words (“pummy”), so this season always means a lot to me. It combines many of my loves.
3. I turned 31.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be surprised with a party on my birthday.
This is somewhat of a pipe dream. I actually hate surprises and I’m type A so I’m involved in everything in everyone else’s life. But I’ve always wanted something like a surprise party. I want to be surprised on my birthday in some way, whether it’s with breakfast or a trip or something. It goes without saying: another year has gone by and this hasn’t happened. It’s no one’s fault, as it’s not like I’m telling everyone, “please surprise me on my birthday.”
A few years ago, I remember I was chatting with someone about birthdays. Mine was coming up and she asked if I was doing anything. My birthday fell on a weekday that year, so I said, “oh no one cares about birthdays! My coworkers don’t even acknowledge it. No one gives a shit.” She looked at me like I was absolutely insane. I have since realized that this is an attitude I’ve adopted in order to protect myself; I want people to care about my birthday, but I worry that, like usual, they won’t (or that asking them to is selfish and they will think I’m awful), so I act like my birthday isn’t a really big deal, even though I want it to be a big deal.
Anyway, this is all to say: the things we do to protect ourselves from pain are odd and varied and, really, how do they come up?
My birthday was a really hard day. Forrest had trouble sleeping, due to being ill, so I was up at 3 in the morning. Once Fo went back to sleep, I just sat up crying. Danny went to the store to get breakfast and some flowers for me. (This was a very sweet gesture and I don’t want him to think I didn’t appreciate it, but, again, it’s one of those things where it’s not a surprise if I know he’s doing it!)
That same day, my niece was born, which was very exciting. We ended up going to the hospital to see her, which was a nice way to distract myself from how sad I felt otherwise. I did treat myself to some new clothes at Target as well.
4. I started thinking about 2020 goals.
I wrote a whole post about it, but one of my big goals for 2020 is to really improve my mental health, implement a solid routine into each day, and work on everything I’ve been working on in therapy. Admitting that I haven’t been doing well (and that being laid off really compounded some pre-existing issues, all while trying to launch my own business or find a way to make money) has been a huge step in opening up and moving past issues that I’ve had for at least 10+ years.
I know many others are thinking of 2020 goals and I just want to always remind everyone (and myself) that our goals are for us, not for other people.
5. I did a lot of cooking & baking.
I’ve been in such a cooking mood! Not really for dinner, but just generally. (Ha, isn’t that the worst?!) Every day at 4pm, I make Forrest a pb&j and try to think of something for Danny and I. But when it comes to our lunches each day, I’ve been really pulling out all the stops: squash soup, stir fries, daily smoothies. You know, good stuff. I’ve been baking a lot too; I made my own birthday cake, cookies three times, scones, bread, biscuits.
6. I started working on my inner confidence.
One thing my therapist and I have talked about a lot is my lack of confidence in just about everything I do. I often hear from people that I come off as quite timid, which I don’t necessarily feel, but that probably is a reflection of the fact that I look for cues of approval from just about everyone. I talked about how I often do things only with the thought of others approval in mind. I clean my house not for me, but to make sure no one else thinks I’m messy and to impress (whoever). I apply for jobs to get the validation that I’m good at what I do (and when I don’t get them, I end up defeated and convinced I’m not good at what I do). Learning how to feel validated myself is overwhelming and complicated and hard, but it’s necessary work and I want to do it, not just for myself, but for Forrest.
I know a lot of this wrap up is very wishy-washy not concrete stuff. But I feel like October has been a rough month (I cried so much, guys), but also a month of intense self-growth. I hope you had a great October and here’s to a better November!
