I Promise Not to Wish It Away Anymore

I told myself I would take tons of great pictures of Forrest. As soon as he is sitting up, I thought, I'll be able to take him outside for photo shoots all the time. Well, the sitting up came later than I expected. The first three months of his life passed both agonizingly slowly and insanely fast. I blinked and suddenly he can ride in the seat of the shopping cart and he can hold and feed himself teething biscuits. 

He went from being a barely sentient lump to having likes and dislikes, favorite toys and songs and sounds. This is exactly the stage I hoped for when he was first born. 

And yet (of course there's a "and yet" here), I find myself wishing I hadn't spent those first few months wishing, wishing, wishing for the time to go faster, for him to grow up. I still find myself having those wishes: I wish he could sit up; I wish he could talk and tell me what's wrong; I wish his stomach could hold more milk at once; I wish he napped better; I wish he slept through the night. 

I wanted him to grow up... and he did. And (here's another), I wish I hadn't rushed it. 

As difficult as they were, I miss the days I spent on the couch with him, holding him as he slept, feeding him bottle after bottle, two hours on the dot without fail. I miss his sleepy faces and accidental smiles. I miss being able to swaddle him and lie with him in bed. I wish I'd taken advantage of that--to watch movies, to read, to whatever--instead of wishing he would get bigger, faster. 

On Saturday, I struggled to get a 9 month size onesie over his head. He ate pumpkin, banana, and oatmeal for breakfast. We played and read a book and sang a song. We went to Eugene and he rode in a shopping cart. I took his picture and I thought, I can't believe he's so big. 

Suddenly, I realized that time was drifting past me, whether I felt like it or not: time had gone by and I'd wished it. I don't have any professional photos of Forrest as a baby--only ones taken on my iPhone and a few vague attempts of my own. I dragged Danny outside to take pictures I'd been imagining in my head for months. 

"He's only little for so long," I said, very early in Forrest's life. While I believed it, I also, in the back of my mind, couldn't wait for him to just get bigger. 

I look at him now and all I can think is, just a few more days of this. A few more days before you crawl, before you stand up, before you walk over to me, before you talk. I can't wait to experience every day with Forrest; I can't wait to hear everything he has to say. But I also want just a few more nights cuddling, a few more long naps on the couch, a few more days where he refuses to hold his own bottle as he eats. 

Just a few more days with my squishy baby before he becomes a rambunctious little boy. 

10 Spring Decor Ideas (You Can Use Right Now)

I have never, in my life, been involved in spring cleaning. Pretty much year round, I struggle to keep up with cleaning: the idea of doing a yearly clean out is ultimately appealing to me, but logistically impossible, especially now. Especially with Forrest. Most days, I can sweep my kitchen floors, wipe down my counters and sink, and start to dust before Forrest needs me (to play with him, to feel him, to hold him, or to just pay attention to him). 

That being said, I'm making a dedicated effort to clean my house more regularly, to get rid of clutter (I proudly threw away a bunch of knick knacks I just don't need the other day), and to work on projects I've been meaning to do for ages. Example: about 2 months before Forrest was born, my mom gave me a mirror with a frame and hooks for coats for my entryway. It leaned against a wall until last weekend. That's a solid 8 months, guys! 

I've been pinning home decor ideas like a mad woman recently. I've decided to start from the front of my house and move back and up (and, yes, obviously, I need to get the faucet that flooded my entryway fixed first, oops). I'm so excited to get my house looking like a put-together house, not just a place to hold a bunch of stuff! Here are some of the things I've been pinning lately. Hopefully they inspire you to get a little work done this spring! (Oh and you can always check out what I'm pinning for home decor by following my board here.) 

1. Get Rid of Bathroom Clutter.

My bathrooms are a weak point: to me, they need to be utilitarian because they get so much use. That being said, I also always wish my bathroom would look like a spa. But with a tiny amount of storage and a baby and a husband who isn't great at being clutter free, it's a challenge. I like all these ideas for organizing your bathroom--and bonus, most of the supplies you can find at the dollar store. 

2. Create Great Canisters for Bathrooms, Kitchens, or Kids Rooms!

I have a million coffee containers and formula tubs I've been saving for months. I don't know why I save them, but I always feel guilty throwing something so useful away. Now, there are tons of tutorials for painting containers and turning them into gorgeous storage containers for around your house. 

3. Use Letters and Thrift Store Frames 

Spelling words or names, or including your initials, in home design is a simple way to add a breath of fresh air this spring! Target sells letters in both large and small sizes--as well as a variety of punctuation. I painted Danny & I's initials teal and put them in the entryway... right above that 8-month-old mirror! I also like to go to thrift stores, buy the coolest frames I can find, and spray paint them to match existing decor. 

4. Get Your Pantry Under Control

About three days before Forrest was born, my mom went to Costco for Danny and I; as a result, Danny and his brother, Nate, put away all the groceries and since then... I cannot find a damn thing in my pantry. It's been 6 months! I need to take care of it! I'm loving this pantry and how it looks. 

5. Create a Terrarium. 

I've always loved succulents and I've recently become mildly obsessed with cacti. Terrariums are a perfect, no-stress way to include a little greenery in your home. 

6. Make that Entryway Less Embarrassing

Obviously, this is a personal one for me. I love these ideas for improving, organizing, and decorating entryways. Just because it's a place of transition doesn't mean it doesn't deserve a little TLC. 

7. Remind Yourself: Keep It Clean 

I am of the opinion that if you focus on cleaning a little bit every day, you can avoid doing big, massive cleans every week (or, uh, every 2 weeks...). This is a do as I say, not as I do kind of belief, of course. However, I love these tips for how to just keep your house clean. If you can follow through, it makes life so much more fun! 

8. Have a Guest Room? Make It Awesome. 

I love these guest room ideas! Some of them are easier than others. If you have a guest room (ours is Forrest's room... not that he uses it), it can be fun to make these just a little more beautiful, fun, and cozy for your guests. I especially love the framed wifi password! 

9. Clean Your Home Office

Personally, I have a stack of folders, files, and papers on my desk that's been growing/accumulating since September (yep, when Forrest was born)! Someday, I'll get it all filed and organized... and when that happens, I'll use some of these tips to get my office area cleaned up and looking better! 

10. Want a Picture Collage? Use These Tips 

Getting prints of Forrest, and creating a wall collage, has been on my to do list for ages. I love these tips for organizing, great looking collages. 

Share your spring decor tips and ideas with me on Twitter here!

10 Tips for Soon-to-Be New Moms

No less than 7 of my friends and acquaintances announced their pregnancies over the week of Christmas. As I look back wistfully at my pregnancy (and the fast-approaching end of my maternity leave), there are some things I wish I'd known about what was about to happen to me and my life. I survived the first 3 months of Forrest's life. That's a pretty big achievement. Here's what I've learned: 

1. The baby is either going to sleep or it won't. Don't sweat it. 

"My baby wakes up every 2 hours. Help!" 

"My baby has been sleeping for 5 hours, at what point should I call 911?" 

Every baby is different. Some will sleep, some won't. Some will want to eat and play every two hours. Some will be out for 6-8 at night from the beginning. And, at any moment, this could change. A typical every-two-hours baby will suddenly sleep through the night. And those magic babies that people brag about will suddenly start waking up every two hours. Because, here's the thing, babies like to keep you on your toes. Nothing is permanent. Nothing. 

2. You don't need the fanciest stroller or car seat or whatever. 

There is a major dick-measuring group of mommies out there who love their strollers and want to tell you all about how spending $1,000 on a piece of plastic is soooo much better than the cheaper options. Ignore these people (and please don't become one). Get the Graco or Chicco or whatever set that is in your price range. It's just as safe as the others. Really. As long as you install it properly. The stroller will be just as confusing to unfold in the rain in the Target parking lot. The baby won't know, nor will the baby judge you for it. Because undoubtedly, no matter what stroller and car seat you use, the baby will inevitably scream through the entire store in it. 

3. "I will never..." are words that you will eat. 

"I will never co-sleep!" I crowed, repeatedly, while pregnant. I swore up and down. Forrest sleeps, happily, next to me every single night. I set lots of rules for myself: walks in the park, grocery shopping, keeping the house clean, scheduling naps. I have yet to keep a single promise I made to myself while pregnant. Things change. The baby you end up giving birth to will never be the one you planned to have. That's ok! Do whatever it takes and don't feel bad about it. 

4. Feed the baby. 

Just feed the baby. Stop stressing about breastfeeding if it's hard. It's ok to supplement. It's ok to go to formula. It doesn't make you a failure or a bad mom. And if breastfeeding is going great, that's awesome--but it doesn't make you better than anyone else. We're all just feeding babies here. Just feed the baby. Resist the urge to smack the Target cashier who sneers when you buy formula, or more nipple pads, or rice cereal. It's your baby. Feed it.  

5. Stop Google-ing everything.

I have Googled baby poop, eye pictures, ear pictures, and rib cages. I have frantically, usually while rocking Forrest, read the same 4 pages of links regarding sleep training over and over again. I have repeatedly Googled how to sleep train without resorting to CIO and Ferbering. I have typed, in all caps no less, "MY BABY WON'T GO TO SLEEP AHHHH" into Google at least three times. Resist the urge. Stop using Google. Expel it from your mind. You'll only drive yourself crazy. 

Instead, call the pediatrician. It's ok to drive them a little crazy with your crazy. 

6. You will miss being pregnant.

I hated being pregnant. Capital H, HATED, pregnancy. And yet, about two weeks after Forrest was born, I started missing it. I found myself thinking wistfully of the nights I could feel him kicking as I fell asleep. It is a strange phenomena to immediately miss the state you couldn't wait to escape, but there it is. You will miss being pregnant, you will miss your little human being a part of you, you will miss being able to keep them 100% safe inside of you. It's ok. Just don't get pregnant again right away, for the love of God. 

7. Find a good group of moms. 

Find a mom group to join on Facebook. I have an October due date group on Facebook and I spend 90% of my time there. Danny is probably tired of hearing about them. In most conversations, I say, "In my October due date group on Facebook..." at least four times. I can't help it. I get all my advice from them. They answer all my questions. We complain about our babies and husbands and dogs and houses in the privacy of the group. Find a small group to join. Don't start fights. Avoid talking about vaccinations. Be nice to them. 

8. Whatever you feel, it's ok. 

You will have a moment where you wonder why you thought you do this. You will have a moment where you wonder what you're doing, if you should just wait until your husband and baby are asleep and quietly pack up and leave. You will have moments where you wish with everything in you that someone would just show up and take the baby for an hour, two hours, a week maybe. It's ok. We've been there. 

9. If you have anything you particularly enjoy doing, you probably won't do it for a while. 

Case in point, I've been writing this blog post since October 25. I'm not kidding. I have only finished books because my 11+ lb baby pins me down for every nap. Forget cooking elaborate meals, washing your bedding, doing your hair the way you like it, or wearing anything dry clean only. 

10. You'll be really, really happy (even when you aren't). 

Taking on motherhood is one of the biggest challenges of our lives. It's amazing what we can do! It's also downright catastrophic in terms of how it completely alters your life and nothing can really prepare you for it. But even when you're awake at 2am and super cranky about it... you'll be happier than you've ever been. I promise. 

Let's Get Organized this Holiday Season (Without Shopping)

I love being organized. I don't often consider myself the most organized person around, but when other people see my work areas, they always seem impressed by the order of it all. Mainly, I just like to have a place for everything so even if I let things go, I can quickly clean everything up. However, since Forrest was born, my work areas have fallen into a little bit of a disarray. I've shown up early to appointments and then late to others. Generally, I only know about half of what is going on at any time. I need to get my stuff back in gear and get organized again. I've been looking through Pinterest for some ideas and these are my favorites. 

1. Use this Moleskine hack. 

Almost everyone has a spare notebook lying around. If you've ever expressed any interest in writing, surely someone (well meaning!) has bought you a notebook. Maybe it's a Moleskine, but it doesn't have to be. I love turning Moleskines into planners, either with month calendars or weeks. They really are the perfect size for it. You can create any kind of planner you want: a bullet journal, a weekly planner, or just a book of lists. Whatever. Use it to plan your goals, set up a timeline for the New Year, or create a budget for yourself. The options are endless. 

2. Pick a Planner.

Getting a new planner doesn't always mean buying something. Lots of bloggers dedicated to planners and organization make planner packs for readers that you can download and print for free. How awesome is that!? I like this one linked above, but there are tons on Pinterest. You just need a binder of your choice, a printer, and some paper. 

3. Create a "Family Planner." 

This is something I've been meaning to do for ages. A Family Planner organizes cleaning lists, warranty information, timelines, and more for your family and more. If you have kids, you can include a calendar and school information. Again, there are tons of free templates for Family Planners out there. This is first on my list for holiday organization!

4. Make it cute. 

As with anything, I think the more personalized you make it, the more you're likely to keep using it. I use a Happy Planner to organize dates, blog posts, and my journal entries these days and I love taking 10-15 minutes every week to decorate the next week. It's just relaxing! Check out my Paper & Planners board on Pinterest for some of my favorite free, printable sticker pages for planners, scrapbooks, and more. 

The Fantasy of Postpartum Style

I came home from the hospital 22 pounds lighter than when I'd given birth, but that didn't mean my pre-pregnancy jeans buttoned.

It's important to know that this is not exactly typical in pregnancy. As of writing this, I'm a mere 2 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. As it turned out, I'd been gaining water weight for a majority of my pregnancy (suggesting preeclampsia without ever actually showing any symptoms), meaning that the minute I wasn't pregnant anymore, all that water had to go somewhere.

The entire time I was pregnant, I fantasized about what I would wear post-pregnancy: chic striped shirts and jeans for walks in the park, cute sweaters and boots. I pinned outfits on Polyvore. I spent hours looking at boots, measuring my calves (which were bloated with fluid, little did I know), and excitedly looking forward everything I thought I would wear once I actually gave birth. Part of me knew that I wouldn't just automatically shrink back to how I looked before, but having no experience with a postpartum body, I couldn't imagine any other world. 

But one month postpartum and I'm still dressing, essentially, the same exact way I dressed during pregnancy. I have made little discernible change in my wardrobe, aside from the fact that 1) my shoes fit and 2) my clothes are a little (or in some cases, a lot) more comfy now. I also spend about half of my day pumping and feeding Forrest, which means that my clothes require me to be able to easily take my shirt off and that they are covered in milk at least part of the time. I only recently wore jeans for the first time since giving birth and that's only because I bought a new pair. But, typically, day-to-day I wear a tank top and sweatpants. 

It was very easy to imagine that, the minute I had Forrest, my life would transform back into the life I'd always known: I'd dress the same ways, do the same things, and have time for everything I'd ever done before. In these first few hectic days, I've found myself briefly wondering what, exactly, I've gotten myself into. Am I insane? Why did I ever think I could handle this?

The first few weeks of having a baby are, ultimately, about survival: you do what you have to to get through the day, whether that means not showering for four days, wearing the same tank top, or carrying your baby around near constantly because they won't sleep otherwise. Survival, strangely enough, doesn't really include dressing in all the things you fantasized about wearing. 

That doesn't mean there aren't opportunities for style in the early months. One of the best things new parents can do is take some time for themselves. At least once a week, my mom will watch Forrest while Danny and I go out to dinner or go grocery shopping. It gives us a chance to dress and act like humans again... as well as to eat a full meal with both hands. Often, days where Danny and I go out, even for an hour, on our own are the days that I shower, do my hair, and put on normal clothes. A month ago, I never would have walked out the door with primer, foundation, and mascara, but I frequently find myself heading to pediatrician appointments in yesterday's make up. 

Style is something that will always be incredibly important to me as a person. I love dressing up, creating outfits, and thinking of new ways to wear things. But as a new mom, it's just not a priority... and that's ok. 

5 Things You Actually Need in Your Labor & Delivery Hospital Bag

There are a lot of lists out there about what to pack for the hospital when you're having a baby. Almost all of them include things that you may or may not end up using. Everyone has a different experience when having a baby, so it's important to take any and all lists with a grain of salt. Just as no pregnancy is exactly the same as another pregnancy, your experience in labor, delivery, and recovery could be miles away from anyone else's. 

I had a lot of, to be honest, useless crap packed in my pre-packed hospital bag: stuff I never touched, or tried to use and failed, or wanted to use but just couldn't. And then, there were the things I sent Danny scurrying to Target to grab or asked my mom to buy for me. 

1. A Hands-Free Pumping Bra

I saw these in Target before I had Forrest and I thought, "how silly!" It just seemed ridiculous. But 24 hours after Forrest was born and I was producing less than 1 mL of colostrum every two hours. Forrest was eating donor milk or formula as a result. My nurse told me I needed to pump, every two hours, and massage all the glands to get my milk to come in. She recommended a hands-free pumping bra--not so I could surf the 'net like the woman on the box (although, admittedly, I'm writing this post while pumping thanks to this very bra), but so I could use both my hands to self express.

You never know if your milk is going to come in immediately or dilly-dally for several days, leaving your baby in a lurch where you have to supplement and frantically pump to up your supply. So pack your pump (or double check that your hospital has pumps available to use!) and pick up one of these bras. The one Danny got me from Target is available here--I like it because it's adjustable, which means you don't have to worry about sizing it correctly ahead of time (and it will still fit after your milk comes in), but there are cheaper options on Amazon as well. If you don't want to drop $30, you can buy a cheap sports bra and cut slits in the front; it's less discreet, but works just as well.  

2. Pads

No one told me a lochia. Ok, I'd read on message boards and packing lists about postpartum bleeding--I'm not entirely dumb. But no one ever mentioned the word lochia. Have you heard the word lochia? Well, lochia is the technical name for the 6-8 weeks of bleeding that you have after giving birth. I know. You can read more about it here, but basically it's not just from any lacerations or tearing you might have from childbirth. Even women who receive c-sections have lochia. The point I'm trying to make is: you're going to need pads. Lots of pads. Good ones. The word around the mom boards these days is that Always Infinity Flex Foam pads are the absolute best that money can buy--and from personal experience, they aren't wrong. Also, stock up because you will need way more than you think you will. And if you haven't worn a pad since you were, like, 12 years old, then I'm really, really sorry. 

3. Easy Access Tank Tops & Packaged Underwear

I'm against specialty clothing on principal. I refused--flat out refused--to buy nursing tops. I think they're a waste of money when you can easily augment or alter existing clothing to do the exact same thing. That being said: the absolute best tops for quick pumping or nursing are tank tops. You can pull them down or up easily and not have too much fabric bunching around your business. Plus, they're super comfy. I've said it before, but the absolute best camis are from Forever 21 and they're dirt cheap. Buy at least 10 of them. 

Speaking of things you haven't had to wear since you were about 12, invest in some cheap packaged underwear, about 2 sizes bigger than you usually wear. Pick at least two varieties in case you end up hating how one kind feels. As a heads up, you're going to love the little mesh underwear they give you post-delivery and you'll be very sad when they won't give you anymore. 

4. Non-Tech Entertainment

The morning I was surprise induced, I shoved my Kindle into my purse and trotted out the door. I wouldn't go back to my house for seven days and not once did I consider asking anyone to grab me an actual, physical book. The thing about having a baby is it makes you super tired--and then you don't really get to sleep because you have to, you know, take care of the baby. There were times where I needed something to do in the wee hours of the night, but if I looked at another screen for even a minute, my head probably would have burst--and all those lighted screens don't help you drift into a 40 minute power nap between feedings and pumping. So grab a book or a journal for your bag. Trust me. 

5. A Notebook 

No, you're not going to have time to wax poetic about your birth experience or anything in the days in the hospital. You might have time to jot down a quick journal entry or doodle or write a to-do list. But this notebook isn't for that. It's for writing down when you feed baby, what side you feed them on (if you're breastfeeding), how much they ate (if you're bottle feeding), how much you pumped, etc. This is information that nurses will come in and ask you about every 2-4 hours... and if you haven't slept in about 30 hours, you probably won't remember a single thing. You'll know you fed the baby. You'll know they had some kind of dirty diaper (wet? soiled? I don't know?), but you won't remember. You'll need to write it down... and you'll need to keep writing it down, post-hospital, because the pediatrician will ask you the exact same questions. Try remembering how much you fed your baby four days ago--I dare you. 

---

A few things I absolutely did not need include a robe, extra pillows, and real shoes (until I left). Of course, remember to pack a good, moisturizing lotion. I'm not talking about something that smells amazing. I like Babyology Daily Moisturizing Baby Lotion for both Forrest and I. In the hospital, the air is so dry, you'll end up putting on lotion every other minute and slathering your face with lip balm every chance you get. 

What did you absolutely need in the hospital--and what did you wish you'd left at home? 

The New Normal

I've sat down to write a blog post at least seven times in the last week. I've gotten out my list of topics; I've sat with my planner open; I've started writing... and every single time, I get distracted (usually by Forrest). I've tried to write about postpartum bodies, about Forrest's first weeks, about fashion. About anything. When I'm sleep deprived and struggling to stay awake between feedings, diaper changes, and more, it's hard to focus on articulating thoughts correctly... even though I have a lot to say about my first few weeks as a mom. 

I have spent nearly everyday at home since Forrest and I were released from the hospital. Except for doctor's appointments, I don't really leave the house. Danny and I have gone out to dinner together, sans Forrest, once; we've taken him out to eat with Danny's family once. I went to the grocery store for the first time on my birthday. I have gone to my own doctor's appointment solo once. Every minute of my day is dedicated to Forrest and making sure he eats and stays clean. A typical span of two hours in my house looks like this: feed Forrest; put Forrest to sleep (can take 10 minutes or three hours); transfer Forrest to swing or rocker; pump for a minimum of 30 minutes; clean bottles and pumping supplies; do one part of one chore (put laundry in the washing machine; wipe down the counters; throw away the dead flowers in the vase on the kitchen counter); and repeat. It is, to be honest, exhausting... and then I get to spend all night doing it. Yay! 

In the wee morning hours of my birthday, I sat in my glider, rocking Forrest for about 45 minutes in the vain attempt to get him to sleep. It was 2:30am and, of course, the longer he refused to close his very sleepy eyes, the more I cried. I sang every lullaby I could think of until I sang "Happy Birthday to me" through tears. I wanted so badly for him to go to sleep, to have a good day with him, to go to sleep myself. Then, I looked down at his little face: he'd finally drifted to sleep, closing his dark blue eyes and opening his little mouth to snore. I loved him so intensely at that moment, more powerfully than I have ever loved anything in my life, that it made up for how tired I was, how sad I felt about my birthday.  

It is very easy to make life with a newborn sound all bad. To outsiders (those without kids or who don't want kids ever), it probably sounds like some version of hell. You squeeze a very small human out of the most narrow part of your body and then, immediately begin a year-long sprint of sleep deprivation. They can't lift their own head; they poop and pee all the time, sometimes on you; none of their clothes fit; they communicate through screaming and grunting at you. 

But the raw facts of life with a newborn ignore the really great parts. Yes, Forrest spent three hours scream-crying at me yesterday, but he then spent ten minutes on the floor with me, just looking at my face. Yes, I worry constantly about how much he's eating; I pump and measure and stress and chug water to make sure my body makes enough food, but when he falls asleep on my chest and I finally have time to take a nap, I sometimes choose holding him close to me for just another hour... just because. 

I try not to miss the things I used to do. I'd love to have time for scrapbooking, for journaling, for writing blog posts and hanging out on Twitter; I'd love to sleep for 8 hours straight, make a lazy breakfast, and drink coffee while I watch Food Network. I try not to beat myself up about my messy bedroom, about the breastmilk stains on all my shirts. Because while I am missing all those things (and it would be a lie to say that sometimes I just wish I could have one more day to myself to do all of them), I also love everything new in my life... I just have to get used to it and I'm not quite there yet. 

I Cut All My Hair Off (Again)

My anxiety has two settings: I don't care (at all, not even a little bit) or I can't stop thinking about it. 

Strangely enough, one of the things that I don't care about at all is labor and delivery. I can't be bothered to think about it. I know it's going to happy. I know I'm supposed to be scared that it will hurt or be awful or whatever. I know those things. But I just cannot care. 

Instead, the thing I compulsively worried about was this: what am I going to do with my hair when I'm in labor?? 

This is a truly ridiculous thing to worry about when it comes to having a baby, but it's what my brain decided to fixate on. Would I remember hair ties? If I told Danny to buy me hair ties, what kind of atrocities would I end up with (rubber bands? the ones with the metal clasps??)? I'm a hair twirler too, especially when I'm anxious, tired, or in pain. In labor, I knew I'd be tearing my hair out of a ponytail every few minutes, only to put it back in the ponytail, and repeat. 

The solution was obvious. It was staring me right in the face: I needed to cut my hair off. 

Once upon a time, I was just a college hipster living in Idaho. 

For having had a pixie cut for so long, I've become strangely attached to long hair. My long(er) hair has become part of my identity, even though I mostly just put it in a bun most of the time. Having gained weight in the last few years, and gaining more since getting pregnant, I felt afraid that if I cut my hair, it would betray the changes my body had gone through. I was really, really scared that I wouldn't look as cute as I used to with short hair and that people would clue in to the fact that I had gotten, well, considerably larger than I used to be. 

My long hair was a security blanket: I used it to hide, to hide the reality of what I look like and what I feel I look like. Even though I knew I look really good with short hair, I was terrified that this time, I wouldn't. 

However, as time passed, it got harder and harder for me to do my hair every day. I knew I looked disheveled. I knew I looked like a mess. I knew I looked like I'd just rolled out of bed (in many instances, I had). Something had to be done. Something drastic. 

At exactly 35 weeks (last Friday), I cut all my hair off. 

Ok, maybe not all of it: most of it. 

And you know what? 

I didn't look awful. I did have a terrifying moment, post-haircut, where I walked into Target and saw my reflection in the sliding glass doors: do I look like a tick?????!!! You know, big body, little head? I became paranoid, rushed through Target, and drove home... only for Danny to tell me that I looked amazing and, in his words, "more put together." 

Which, really, was the goal. 

My fears were unfounded. I'd been terrified that, without my long hair, my much fuller face and burgeoning double chin would be revealed. However, I've found with a pixie cut, those things are actually less obvious: instead, people focus on my eyes or my features or, best of all, my belly.