How to Prepare for Cold & Flu Season with Kids

To my fellow parents with school age kids or just kids in daycare, I salute you. In a few weeks, we’re going to be fully in the trenches, battling cold after cold after cold… but for now, we can only prepare, fully aware that our kids are highly likely to miss picture day and that we’ll, once again, be on a first name basis with the pediatrician receptionist.

For the past 2 school years, my son has gotten sick after the first three days of school. Picture day has always been on the Tuesday or Thursday the second week of school—and he has been sick in both of those school photos. I told him our goal was to avoid being sick this weekend, but who knows if that will actually happen.

This summer, we’ve also had illness after illness: mystery flu (Violet), hand foot and mouth disease (all of us, but especially me); and the stomach flu. We caught the stomach flu right before our cruise in August and HFDM from that very cruise… so we’ve really been through the ringer. I’m not particularly excited about this coming school year. If the summer was bad… what will the school year be like?

There is comfort in knowing we aren’t alone; many of my son’s friends were also, somehow, sick throughout the summer. My pediatrician’s phone line is always backed up. So it wasn’t just us! It seems like this summer was a rough one for viruses.

Which again, that does not bode well for this cold and flu season.

I like to think I know a thing or two about taking care of kids with colds. But if there is one thing being a parent has taught me it’s that once you think you have a handle on a situation, the universe likes to throw a little pizzazz. Call it karma confetti. Parents with older kids sometimes make the mistake of thinking we know what we’re doing 100% of the time, but the truth is we don’t.

One thing I do know though? How to prepare for cold and flu season.

1. Stock up on essentials now.

This one might seem a little bit basic, but hear me out: many cold and flu seasons I have found myself awakened at 2am by a crying, feverish, sick child, gone to my medicine cabinet, and found an almost empty bottle of ibuprofen. Or a thermometer that isn’t accurate or has stopped working. Or, worst of all, someone is throwing up and there is no Pedialyte in the house. And by the time cold and flu season arrives, there is usually a bit of a shortage on these things.

Two years ago, my son got the flu during the big Tylenol shortage. I had to emergency order multiple bottles from whatever source I could and it was so stressful.

My point is: stock up all the classics now, rather than ordering (and often spending too much) later. Here is what I try to get stocked up on before the end of September:

• Saltines & oyster crackers

• Pedialyte (I like the packets as they last longer and you don’t end up with a half used bottle)

• Ibuprofen & Tylenol

• Cough drops

• Immodium

• Children’s allergy medicine

• Thermometer (if you need a new one)

• Tissues

• Hand sanitizer

• Laundry sanitizer

• Extra bedding and towels

• Tea & honey

2. Talk to your kids about washing their hands.

Kids are, as I’m sure you know, notoriously lax about washing their hands. Well, most of them. There are definitely some kids who are extremely dedicated to a hand washing routine and for that we thank them. But a vast majority of kids simply don’t wash their hands or rush.

My oldest is not a kid who skimps on washing his hands. He was 4 when Covid started in early March 2020 and so washing his hands thoroughly has been part of his life for the majority of it. He also loves a good hand sanitizer; I always refresh the one on his backpack keychain every week and he knows to use it throughout the day. But this hasn’t been a natural thing; I had to talk to him about the importance of hand washing a lot for a long time.

We also had to make it a constant habit: washing our hands before every single meal; washing our hands when we got home from an event; using hand sanitizer in the car after every stop. It just became part of our lives and to help prevent the worst colds, it’s something you just have to do. (This won’t necessarily stop them from ever getting sick, but it does cut down on it.

3. Sign up for flu shots & Covid boosters.

Controversial? No. Kids should get their yearly flu shots and, if they’re old enough, Covid boosters. (I actually haven’t heard yet, as of September 3, 2024, if there is a Covid booster this year; I assume there will be though!) In November 2022, my family got the flu; and yes, I was 5 weeks postpartum and yes, my newborn did get the flu. You know why? We hadn’t gotten a chance to get flu shots yet. My son was so, so sick I thought he might have to be hospitalized and I beat myself up a lot that month about not getting him in to get a flu shot.

Long story short: get your kids flu shots and Covid boosters. I promise it is worth it.

4. Set up a “just got home” routine

This piggy backs off of point 2, but set up a “we just got home” routine with your kids. I keep my son’s on a laminated piece of paper on our fridge and he knows to check off each box. This is what ours looks lie:

• Wash & sanitize your hands

• Change into play clothes and put school clothes in hamper

• Wipe down lunch box

• Spray backpack (we use Lysol disinfecting spray for fabric)

• Start homework

• Read 10-15 minutes

• Dinner time

It’s not complicated and the more kids do it, the easier it gets. Obviously, for younger kids, they might need a simpler routine and/or to use pictures on a check off sheets. Either way: make the routine simple to follow and impactful for your evening.

5. Prepare for the unexpected

Not to be dramatic, but anything can happen at any time. RSV was extremely bad last year, as was Covid and the flu. My daughter had multiple colds that landed her in the ER with labored breathing and we had Covid for the first time in December 2023. (That’s a small flex on my part!) We didn’t expect those things, as you can imagine.

Like I wrote earlier: every time I think I have a handle on things, something totally unexpected happens. A stomach bug. The flu. A cold that hits right before a big road trip. You know, regular, schmegular stuff for parents of small and elementary age kids. But it never really gets an easier to handle these things: your kids being sick is extremely stressful for a lot of reasons. You might have general anxiety about their health (hello, me too!); you might have to miss work and, given the economy right now, that’s super stressful; you might have to rush them to the ER and if you’re in the US like me, that’s always stressful.

So, to conclude: you can only prepare so much. Know that you might encounter an illness that shocks you—for me, that’s been hand, foot, and mouth disease (I can’t believe that it’s considered “mild”, my fingernails are falling off). Know that you might have to rush to the ER and advocate for your child in a way you didn’t expect. Your kids will miss school and you will worry about them falling behind. But know that at the end of the tunnel, there is spring and once their older than, like, 12, it won’t be quite this bad.

5 Things to Include In Your Feeding Plan at the Hospital

Infant feeding is a topic I have spent… countless hours writing about, thinking about, fretting about. I’ve talked to therapists about it. I’ve written blogs and poems and text messages and emails about it. I’ve read books. I’ve determined how much breastfeeding content triggers me (a lot) and how confusing I still find infant feeding messaging (also a lot).

As I prepared to have my daughter this past year, I knew one thing: I did want to try breastfeeding. But I was also prepared to formula feed from the beginning. In fact, I was excited to offer formula from the beginning. I also knew from my past experience that the hospital I would be delivering at did not like offering formula and did not encourage combo feeding.

So, with the help of an amazing doula, I created a feeding plan to include along with my birth plan.

Friends: this worked wonders. I had the exact experience I wanted in the hospital (with only one nurse who pushed back considerably against my feeding plan). It was the best decision I could have made and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I’d heard lots about birth plans in both of my pregnancies—but not a lot about feeding plans. I wanted to put together this blog post to help you write a feeding plan for yourself, if you’re expecting in the future or plan to expect in the future. It’s always important to think about what you want to happen in the hospital. After all, it’s your baby.

As a mild disclaimer, none of this blog post will be prescriptive: these are just general pieces for you to think about and decide on as you create your birth plan, and by extension, your feeding plan. All of these things are based on being successful in whatever feeding method, or combination of feeding methods, you choose. I hope they give you something to think about and write about as you embark on this journey. And of course, let me know if you have any questions.

1: Your preferred feeding method

This is probably the most obvious one, but first things first, establish your preferred feeding method, whether you plan to nurse right away, exclusively pump, or offer formula (or a combination of all 3)! A few things to consider here:

• Consider what you want to happen immediately after birth. Do you want to latch baby right away (as many baby first hospitals do)? Or do you want a little time to just relax and cuddle? Do you want to latch and then have your partner offer a bottle of formula.

• Consider alternatives. We’ll return to this, but you never know what’s going to happen in labor. I included alternative situations for if I was not able to be with my baby right away—specifically, that I wanted her in the care of my husband or mom and to receive formula (not donor milk).

2: What to do (or who to ask) if you are not able or capable to advocate for yourself

An important part of my feeding plan was the fact that often when I am challenged on something, I have a hard time pushing back or standing up for myself. So, I set in stone that if I was not responding (or not able to respond), that my husband and mom be asked first before a decision was made so they could speak to me or relay my wishes.

A few things to consider:

• Make sure your support team knows your wishes. This includes not just your partner and your doula, but your midwife and/or OBGYN.

• Make sure they know how to communicate your wishes.

• Discuss with your support team the process to follow if something does need to be changed.

3: The services you want in the hospital

Do you want to see a lactation consultant right away? Or do you only want to ask to see an LC? Do you not want to be approached by an LC at all, even just to check in? Include this in your feeding plan. Hospital LCs can be really hit or miss (full disclosure, I had a horrific experience with one in the hospital with my first baby and I refuse to speak to any in a medical setting now). This can also include if you want nurses to help you with infant feeding, if you want your infant to go to the nursery (if there is one), and more.

4: What to do if an alternate decision needs made

Let’s look at a scenario. Let’s say you deliver your baby, but something goes wrong: the baby needs additional support and to be taken to the NICU. What do you want to happen? Do you want to use donor milk or formula? Do you want to start pumping right then?

Now, let’s say that happens, but you also need additional medical treatment. Your partner is presented several options that you have never considered regarding infant feeding. You aren’t there to help him navigate these decisions. What should happen here? What do you and your partner want to happen?

Here’s what I included in my plan: if I was not capable of being part of the decision-making process, all decisions were to be made by my husband, no one else. As well, my husband knew to ask this question: do we have time to discuss this before a decision is made? Often medical decisions are presented as immediate, but if there is time for discussion and research, it’s important to know that. From then, he would discuss with my mom or me if I was available.

5: Language for your support team to use

Since I planned to offer formula within the first hour after birth, I knew there would be pushback at my hospital. Without getting too into it, the hospital i delivered at is part of the Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative (if you know what that is, you’re a soldier in the trenches of infant feeding, unfortunately) and they heavily discourage infant feeding. A huge reason as to why I decided to have a feeding plan was that I had an extremely horrible phone call with a nurse while pre-registering for my second baby—a great time to feel horrible about my experience the first time around!

My feeding plan was created with language built into it for my husband and mom to use should they need to, as well as for me to use. Here are the phrases I learned for this:

• “My wife has expressed her feeding preferences. We ask that they are honored.”

• “I request that this is documented on my patient file.”

• “Please inform me of the benefits, risks, and alternatives, including what happens if we do nothing, when I request it.”

• “We have educated ourselves on our chosen feeding modalities.”

• “If this isn’t an emergency, we’d like a few moments to discuss this in private.”

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No matter what, remember that regardless of how you’re choosing to feed your new baby, you deserve to be supported in that decision, especially by medical personnel.

5 Diaper Bag Essentials for New Moms*

When I had Forrest, I really did not put a lot of thought into the diaper bag I chose. I remember feeling just a little bit judgmental of the moms who spent hours pouring over what diaper bag to get. I just didn’t get it.

I get it now, I really do.

Diaper bags are a thing of mystery sometimes: they can be cavernous and full of all kinds of debris; or they can be super organized and ready to roll. And both of those can be the same person, depending on the day. I ended up hating the diaper bag I used with Forrest and I told myself if I had a second baby, I would find one I loved.

I was recently approached by Keababies to try out their Explorer Backpack Diaper Bag. It’s a diaper bag that is a backpack shape and, let me tell you, this really is a dream diaper bag. Take it from someone who had a complicated relationship with leaving the house with my baby! Keababies Explorer Backpack Diaper Bag is a perfect diaper bag in my opinion. I thought I’d share my 5 diaper bag essentials, and why, illustrated with this dynamo of a diaper bag!

1. The Perfect Diaper Bag

I recently got the opportunity to check out the Keababies Explorer Backpack Diaper Bag. It comes in a few different colors, but I picked the classic gray color—it is really cute! That’s really the first thing. I like cute things; I like functional things; it’s great if those two desires can be combined! And they are in this diaper bag.

I love the backpack style because it makes it easy to be on-the-go with babies. The diaper bag I used with Forrest was really bulky and yet, didn’t have enough room for my things as well. The Explorer backpack has plenty of room for all your diaper bag essentials, plus your wallet, cell phone, and keys. My absolute favorite feature is the two straps at the top (you can’t see them in my photo!) that you can use to attach it to your stroller, giving you easy access to everything.

2. The Feeding Basics

I really am a less-is-more kind of girl; I don’t usually carry around a whole lot of stuff. However, when you have a baby, what you need is sort of… a lot at all times. If you’re breastfeeding, it’s a little easier; you just kind of need your boobs.

However, with Forrest, I was pumping and using formula at the same time, so I often needed multiple bottles, even for a short trip. Sometimes it felt like leaving the house was more effort than it was worth! I needed a bottle of breastmilk, plus a bottle of water and packets of formula. However, that’s another great feature of the Explorer Backpack; it is insulated! That means, you can keep your bottles at the temperature you need them. The bottle holder in the front is absolutely perfect; you can carry a bottle for feeding, plus two for pumping if you need it; plus there is room in the same pocket for any accessories you might need, like burp clothes, nipple guards, and more.

3. A Change of Clothes (or 2)

This one is pretty standard: in case of emergency, you need clothes for your little one and maybe yourself. I always kept two changes of clothes in the car for Forrest; not necessarily in our diaper bag, but just available. I also started keeping a change of top for myself in the car—either a plain t-shirt or a sweatshirt depending on the season. This is because when you’re wearing your child, sometimes they will just spit up down your front—so if you have more places to go, you will want to change that top!

To this advice, I suggest buying clothes specifically to keep in your diaper bag or car. Sometimes, I would lose track of Forrest’s clothes for weeks, only to remember I had packed them up as spares. Buying a few plain onesies and a plain pair of sweatpants that you won’t miss is better than packing something you love, only to realize your baby has outgrown it while it’s been in your diaper bag.

4. More Wipes Than You Think You’ll Need

You will see the cute packs of wipes with decorative covers. My sister-in-law gave me the cutest reusable wipes cover. However: it was far too small for any packs of wipes. Besides, you will always need more wipes than you think you need. If you think you’re running low on wipes, you’re already too far gone, you need to buy wipes immediately. The time between “oh, we’re kind of low on wipes” and “I guess I’m rinsing my baby’s butt in the sink” is razor thin. My advice: pack more wipes than you think you will ever humanly need. Two big Costco packs, if you can: one in the diaper bag and a spare in the car. Maybe 2 spares in the car.

Another great feature of the Explorer Backpack: a really roomy main storage compartment. Perfect for those big blocks of wipes and diapers. (For diapers, I recommend having 5-6 with you at all times, depending on the age of your baby! Make sure to double check sizes frequently.) Wipes are good for everything, not just booties: runny noses, sticky hands, spilled milk, spit up, everything. You need lots of wipes.

5. A Changing Pad

Let me tell you: having a changing pad (aka a really small, compact pad that you can fold out to put under your baby while you change their diaper) is one of the best things I can suggest to new parents. In all likelihood, you aren’t ever going to be able to use changing tables in public spaces—most of the time, they are nasty. They’re also super rickety—I never felt comfortable putting Forrest on one, afraid he would roll off.

The best part about the Explorer Diaper Backpack is that in the back pocket, there is a large, fold out changing pad—perfect for those on-the-go changes in bathrooms, the back of your car, airports, wherever. You can easily wipe it clean and put it back. I would estimate the size as about a foot by a foot and a half, which doesn’t sound big, but is; it’s also really padded, which means it’s much more comfortable for your baby.

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I hope this helps you get that diaper bag organized for your baby, or soon-to-be baby! I have missed writing about baby stuff and even though I’m not expecting myself (I am the 1%, it feels like!), a ton of my friends are. If you’d like to try the Keababies Explorer Backpack yourself, I highly recommend it; you can use my code pauses2021 at check out.

Disclaimer: as indicated by the asterisk (*) in the title, this blog post is written using a sponsored product. I received the Explorer backpack free in exchange for review. Posts like this help me keep the lights on! As well, links throughout this post are affiliate links and by using them or my code, I will receive a small kickback from Keababies. Posts like this help me keep Writing Between Pauses running! If you’d like to learn more about my disclosure and advertising policy, click here.

Do You Struggle to Find Time For Yourself?

It feels like a universal problem: women put themselves last on the list when it comes to self-care or just basic necessities. Time slips and suddenly, we find ourselves 4 years postpartum and not having been to the doctor for, well, that entire time. We skip getting ourselves new things in favor of the others in our life. We fold the laundry while listening to a podcast instead of just relaxing. There are a thousand little ways that people, but especially women, find themselves putting the needs of others before themselves.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

But when taken to an extreme, it definitely can be.

Caring about other people isn’t a problem. The problem is not having boundaries when it’s too much.

One of the things about setting boundaries is this: you have to keep your boundaries, even when it’s hard, even when it’s challenging, even if sometimes you want to do something. (To read all my posts about Setting Boundaries, click here!)

When it comes to taking more time for yourself, you’ll need to set boundaries around your work life, personal life, and home life. That’s not easy work, but it’s worth it in the long run. Let’s talk through a few ways to set boundaries and have more time for yourself.

1. Say no to projects.

You don’t have to say no to every project—but if you just plain don’t have time in your schedule (and you know when that’s true—you just do!), it’s ok to say no. In fact, it’s best for you to just say no to those extra projects. As fun as they might be. As good as they might before you. As much as you might want to help a friend or a favorite client.

Say no to the extra projects. That’s a boundary.

You don’t have to say, “No, sorry!” and that’s it. Here are a few ways to say no to extra projects to help you out:

• “Thank you for thinking of me! This sounds like a really great project. However, my schedule is full until January. If it can wait until then, I’d love to take it on.”

• An alternative ending: “My schedule is full until January. I have another friend that I think might be perfect for this project. Can I put you in contact with them?”

That’s it! Here’s a run down of what to say if your situation doesn’t fit that scenario:

• Acknowledge the feelings. (This sounds fun! or I’m so glad you thought of me, that’s so kind of you.)

• Communicate the boundary. (My schedule is full; I don’t have time; I want to do a good job, but can’t because of my schedule.)

• Provide an alternative.

2. Schedule your chores.

I know this sounds not-so-fun, but it’s the best advice I can give you. If you, like me, struggle to make time for yourself, but also struggle to prioritize housework, then this is for you.

When it comes to housework, I want a beautiful, clean, organized home. And about 65% of the time, I have it. But it’s usually because I fall behind in what I’m doing, get distracted, or get burnt out—so I do one big cleaning every other week instead of cleaning throughout weeks to keep my home nice from the start.

A few months ago, I started setting a timer for every evening at 6pm. I drop whatever I’m doing and go clean the kitchen: finish the dishes, wipe down the counters, clear away the clutter, sweep the floors if I need to. It takes maybe 30 minutes, but it helps me feel just a little more productive. In the morning, I set a very similar timer to quickly clean the bedrooms: make the beds, pick up toys/blankets/etc, clean the bathroom toilets if they need it, and whatever else needs done in that 20-30 minute window.

It’s been hugely helpful to set aside these 2 windows every day to get the chores done that help my house feel the cleanest. It makes weekend cleaning way less insurmountable and the more I include these in my schedule, the more they become part of my routine.

Then, every Sunday morning, I do a full house cleaning: vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, the works. It makes it easier to have taken care of some of that work throughout the week. This means once I’m done with a 2-hour cleaning binge on Sunday morning, I have all the time in the day to do whatever I want.

3. Pick your battles carefully.

If you have kids, you know that quality time alone is a challenge. Our kids love us and they want to be around us. It’s hard to tell your kids you want time alone—they don’t understand this concept because they are almost universally more social than us. (Sometimes I think about the fact that I used to go to school and be social every single day and it’s like… shocking.)

That being said, sometimes it’s about picking your battles with kids. If you need quality time to recharge, is there a way you can do this with your kids?

Here’s a scenario: Forrest really can’t fall asleep alone. He’s just at a very specific age, and of a very specific temperament, where this is a challenge for him. I could fight with him to stay in bed every night for 2 hours until he passes out and have 0 time for myself… OR I could let him lie beside me in bed while I listen to music and play Animal Crossing. Which sounds more pleasant to you?! That’s what I thought! And I agree.

Pick your battles. What will you fight your kids on? Helping with chores, keeping their rooms clean, not asking you to do things that they can easily do themselves. What will you night fight your kids on? Things that will make your life harder, take up more of your time, or generally make the house a miserable place to be. This will be different for every parent and it’s really up to you. But I know you have it in you to make these choices! Set your boundaries, communicate them, and choose what to fight about.

A Complete Guide to Setting Boundaries

This month, we’re going to talk about establishing boundaries: in your business, in your personal relationships, and beyond. Establishing boundaries is so important to everyone and something we don’t talk about enough! I hope you find value and comfort in these blog posts. You can read all posts in this series by clicking here.

This week, I’m finally ready to post my full guide to setting boundaries. This guide will cover everything you need to know about setting boundaries: what that means, how to do it, what to say, and how to keep yourself from letting boundaries lapse.

Boundaries are one of the best things you can do to keep your relationships—from work to home—emotionally healthy, as well as to improve your own mental health. There are tons of benefits to setting boundaries—you can read the pull quote below, but here’s a rundown:

• Setting boundaries reduces your stress, as well as your mental load. If you aren’t having to constantly balance the emotional needs of other people, or be on call to everyone at the same time, then you will experience way less stress.

• If you have children, setting healthy, respectful boundaries teaches them to do the same thing: to set healthy, respectful boundaries, to respect themselves, and to prioritize their mental health.

• Setting boundaries help define the line between your work life and your home life.

I’m glad you’re here and reading my guide to setting boundaries. As I’ve said in previous posts in this series, I’m not a mental health professional—just one person who loves to write and who attends therapy to help set boundaries in my professional and personal life! I hope you find this guide helpful.

How to Set Boundaries

What does it mean to set boundaries?

Good question! Here’s an example to help illustrate what that means.

Let’s say you are a mom of 2. Your children’s ages are 3 and 1. Both are walking, but only one is verbal at this time. They have a bad habit of always following you into the bathroom no matter what. You wish they wouldn’t, but if you close the door, the one-year-old throws a fit and the 3-year-old joins in.

What is a boundary to set in this example?

1. Establishing with the 3-year-old in age appropriate language that you want to be alone in the bathroom. Bathroom time is private time.

2. Remind yourself that you deserve private time. Again, bathroom time is private time and you get to decide if you want your children in the bathroom with you or not.

3. Encourage the 3-year-old to entertain the 1-year-old when you’re in the bathroom. “It upsets [baby] when I go to the bathroom. But bathroom time is private time. If she gets upset, can you comfort her for me? You’re so helpful! When I’m done, we can all bake cookies together.”

Firstly, the boundary is defined: you want to go to the bathroom alone and you have that right, even from your children.

Secondly, the boundary is communicated: from now on, you’ll be going to the bathroom alone and closing the door. There will be consequences if they open it.

Thirdly, acknowledge their emotions. “I know it’s upsetting with Mama goes to the bathroom alone. I love that you want to spend time with me. But bathroom time is private time.”

Lastly, you keep the boundary. When you go to the bathroom, you close the door and you don’t let your children sit at your feet.

That’s just one example of setting a boundary! But here’s a rough outline of those steps again:

1. Define the boundary and why it is important to you.

2. Communicate the boundary.

3. Acknowledge the needs of others.

4. Keep the boundary established (even when it’s challenging).

The last steps is admittedly the hardest one. How can you stick to your boundaries when you have a child crying outside the bathroom door? Or when a client calls you over and over on a Saturday afternoon? Or when your boss asks you to please respond to emails after 7pm? Where do you draw the line? Let’s talk about sticking with our boundaries—that will make up the majority of this guide!

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How to Stick to Your Boundaries

Enforcing Boundaries with Love and Kindness

First things first, let’s remember why we’re setting boundaries in the first place.

In the example I provided, we aren’t setting a boundary with our children to be alone int he bathroom because we don’t like our kids. We want and deserve a few minutes alone; and we want to make sure our children understand that bathroom time is private time.

Boundaries are created out of love and a desire to be better--not a desire to hurt other people.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we don’t love the people around us, that we don’t like them, or that we don’t respect them. You can set boundaries and show love and kindness while doing so!

All that being said: sometimes, our boundaries aren’t respected. This doesn’t happen out of unkindness, usually. It just means that perhaps they don’t understand the boundary, they don’t understand why it’s important, or they don’t realize that what they’re doing is crossing the boundary. However, sometimes people do it, plain and simple, because they don’t feel like respecting your boundaries—which means they don’t really care about respecting you. In this case, the only advice I have is this: it’s not your job to make it easier for them to do this!

Enforcing boundaries with love and kindness will look different for everyone. However, here are a few example phrases I keep in my arsenal:

• “Do you remember when we talked about appropriate times to text me? It was a few weeks ago, so I just want to circle back to that and remind you that my working hours are…”

• "Last time we spoke, I mentioned that I do try to get to emails within 24-48 hours. A few days ago, you emailed me 3 times in 2 hours. I get that sometimes things happen, but due to the volume of my inbox, I have to ask you to please not do that. I appreciate you as a client and this project is so fun, but that does get overwhelming for me.”

• “I’m so excited to bake cookies with you later. But for now, I need to work. I’ve put the red light sign on my door. Do you remember what that means?”

Keep gently reinforcing boundaries! You don’t have to be rude (or feel rude!) when you do it.

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Communicating Boundaries Respectfully

When we set boundaries, we want to make sure that not only are we communicating our boundaries, but also acknowledging the feelings of others as we do so. This might mean:

• Reminding our children that we love them and respect them and that, when we’re doing with xyz, we’ll do something fun together.

• Reminding our clients how much we appreciate their work.

• Reminding our friends and family that we appreciate them and love them.

Communicating boundaries respectfully also means acknowledging the boundaries and feelings over others. This might mean having longer discussions about our boundaries, how we communicate best, and how we don’t want to be spoken to. This is great for extremely close relationships, like your partner, siblings, parents, or others.

However, for clients, this is definitely more complicated.

Sometimes as freelance workers, we can feel not like we are a boss, but rather like we have multiple bosses. With all my clients, I try to reiterate one small fact: I am a freelancer, not an employee; as such, I am not beholden to rules of an employer like an employee would be. I set my working hours; I set my response times; and it is up to me set those expectations from the beginning. Those expectations are ultimately boundaries and if a client repeatedly pushes on them, the boundary needs to be established even more—and reinforced, as we’ve discussed. That being said, this is a relationship that is often much more fraught, because it is almost entirely without emotion.

Our work boundaries are often more challenging to communicate than our personal life boundaries—and that’s ok. Here are a few great things to say:

• “Hi there! I’m sorry if you expected a reply to this when you sent it. For the sake of my mental health and to allow myself to be the best employee, I do not respond to work emails or questions after 6pm. I try to get to these emails and texts first thing when I start my work day though.”

• “I noticed that you have been texting me after 6pm a lot recently. Here is how I prioritize my work. Would that help you better understand why I’m not getting to things at a certain time?”

• “Would it be helpful to schedule a weekly check in time so that we can handle all of these concerns at once? Maybe that will reduce both of our inboxes!”

This is definitely challenging work, but it is valuable. The more you communicate your boundaries, and reinforce them, the easier it will get.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

Setting boundaries is where we are all most likely to experience gaslighting, unfortunately. In this case, I want to the Mindgeek on Instagram, who has tons of resources to responding to gaslighting behavior.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sarah Crosby (@themindgeek) on Aug 21, 2020 at 11:27am PDT

Here are a few examples of gaslighting in response to setting boundaries:

• “I don’t remember you saying that” or “that’s not what you said!” when you remind them of your boundaries.

• “It’s not that bad”

• “You’re just being dramatic.”

If you experience these things, the only thing I can offer is sympathy; know that I understand, your boundaries are valuable and important; and that you know your truth more than anyone else. The Mindgeek’s tips are good ones.

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How to Move Forward

Where do I go from here?

You set the boundary; you communicated it; you’ve been working on enforcing it… what happens now?

The thing about setting boundaries is this isn’t one-and-done work. It requires constant checking in and re-establishing. It can feel overwhelming to think of this work as being one that never ends. But instead of thinking of it as endless (“oh my god, I have to keep reminding my kids to do xyz everyday—this is the worst”), think of it as an opportunity: “each time I remind my kids of xyz, I get another opportunity to teach them to prioritize their mental health and relationships.”

Working on ourselves and our mental health isn’t ever going to be a one-and-done process. Don’t I wish it was! That being said, looking at things as opportunities to grow and change, to experience something new, to work on being our best selves is much, much better than thinking of it merely as endless, slogging work.

I hope you found this guide to setting boundaries helpful. Thanks for reading, as always!

5 Easy Kids Lunches (That Aren't Fast Food)

Now, here’s the thing: I love a fast food lunch. Drive-thru dinner. Easy peasy, everyone is happy, we all live in harmony. But that being said: fast food can add up fast and become a habit even faster. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with fast food, it can strain your budget and make you feel not-so-great after a while.

If you’re feeling stuck in a rut with your kids’ lunches, I feel you: I feel like all I’ve done since March is make breakfast, lunch, dinner, and 2 snacks without stopping. Have I actually worked? Participated in my hobby? Or is my life only cooking now? I love spending time making something time intensive for Forrest… but I also like being able to just slap something on the table that I don’t feel horrible about and calling it good.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about getting kids to eat healthier snacks (for those times when you feel like you’ve been throwing a box of Cheez-Its into the living room and running). But today, I want to share some ideas for lunches that are: easy; not the worst for you; and don’t require that much energy. These are for the low days, the days you just can’t anymore, or when you need just 10 more minutes to get that one task done.

Let’s start with my big tip: not every meal needs to be homemade, nor does every single meal need to be 4-5 courses. I promise you, none of us grew up eating perfectly prepared, handmade dishes… and we’re all totally fine. Another hot take: a few years ago, one of my friends said to me, “you know dinner can be a sandwich and that’s fine.”

Dinner or lunch can be a sandwich and that’s fine. How freeing is that idea? You don’t even have to cook!

That being said, here are my 5 easiest, not-that-bad-for-you, kid-friendly lunches.

1. The Classic Sandwich

Honestly, this one goes without saying: if your kids with eat sandwiches, then just throw anything in a sandwich. Cream cheese and fruit? Boom. Peanut butter and jelly. Turkey and cheese. There are so many options. You can also cut sandwiches into fun shapes, into dipping sticks.

Arrange in a bento box with some fruit and a handful of something else (pretzel bites, chips, crackers, veggies, whatever) and you’ve basically got an ideal lunch anyway.

In this photo, we have Forrest’s favorite sandwich: ham with cheese, plus peaches and peanut butter pretzel bites. Nothing spectacular, but I know he’ll quietly eat this for 20 minutes.

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2. Freezer Section Frenzy

Let me tell you: if you aren’t utilizing quick foods from the freezer section, then run, don’t walk, to the nearest Trader Joe’s (safely, of course, please wear your mask) and invest. The Trader Joe’s turkey corn dogs are honestly really, really good, very kid friendly, and done in 60 seconds. They have lots of options like this: chicken nuggets, pizzas, mac and cheese. Add a side of fruit and some dipping sauce, and you’ve made lunch in maybe 5 minutes.

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3. Breakfast for Lunch

When I make breakfast foods, I tend to make enough to last few several breakfasts or, honestly, several lunches. One thing Forrest will always eat is a waffle, pancake, or French toast. We’ve started making breakfast kabobs that he has fun assembling (I don’t even have to do the work!). Cut whatever breakfast item into 4ths and then cut your favorite fruit (strawberries, grapes, peaches, apples) and put onto skewers. Add a little dish of syrup for dipping and again, voila! Easy peasy, it took 5 minutes tops.

Big tip: Like I said, make a big batch of breakfast food to have in the freezer or fridge to reheat quickly when you need it.

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4. Leftover Grab Bag

We always have leftovers in our house because I am terrible at cooking for 3 people. 4, totally doable. 2, fine. When it comes to estimating amounts for 3 people, you think it’d be easy, but it’s not.

Thus, leftovers. I think sometimes we hesitate to feed our kids leftovers because we want to save them for our own lunches (especially if you have a member of your family still working outside the home). However, if it’s stuff your kid will eat, then why not portion it into their bento box for lunch!?

In this photo, we have the Hungryroot chicken & spinach sausage (leftover), some corn and bean salad (leftover), a crisped up cauliflower pizza crust (also leftover), and some caesar salad (which I’d made for myself for lunch—just wanted to see if Fo would eat it). Forrest will always (and I mean always) eat this chicken and spinach sausage—it’s one of his favorites. If you want to try Hungryroot, you can get free black bean brownie batter (another kid-friendly favorite) by using PAUSESBROWNIE. Let me know what you think.

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5. Homemade Lunchable

Kids love Lunchables and they’re a frequent purchase in my house. But they are very expensive, so that adds up fast. As it turns out, they’re very easy to make at home. A few slices of deli turkey or ham, a slice or two of your kid’s favorite cheese, and some crackers—boom, you’ve done it. I always add a fruit and something sweet (in this case, a Partake Birthday Cake cookie, which I highly recommend).

If your kiddos prefer pizza Lunchables, you can use small tortillas (these ones are the perfect size), a dollop of spaghetti sauce, and some cheese and pepperoni (all of which are great fridge staples) to recreate them.

The best thing about Lunchables has always been that they are fun and easy for kids to eat—they make food interactive. It’s pretty easy to replicate that at home with little effort (and much less money).

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There you go—5 easy lunch ideas you can apply to your life, preferences, and more. Let me know what you’re favorite easy lunches are for your kids!

4 Signs You Need Boundaries

This month, we’re going to talk about establishing boundaries: in your business, in your personal relationships, and beyond. Establishing boundaries is so important to everyone and something we don’t talk about enough! I hope you find value and comfort in these blog posts. You can read all posts in this series by clicking here.

For years, I heard about setting boundaries. About drawing distinct lines. Putting the toxic people in your life that you wouldn’t be taking anymore or making it clear to your job that after 5pm, you were simply unavailable. I never considered that this was something that applied to me: I was stressed and constantly anxious, but I didn’t consider any of my relationships (with my family, with Danny, or with work) to be toxic enough to need boundaries.

But here’s the thing: toxicity doesn’t necessitate boundaries. A toxic relationship really is the last step in the process, where someone isn’t respecting your boundaries.

Everyone needs boundaries. And some of us are better than others are setting boundaries and keeping them. Some of us are better at recognizing when we need boundaries. So the question here is, of course: what are the signs that we need to set boundaries? Here are a few things I’ve noticed in my own life.

1. You’re Burnt Out.

To me, this is the biggest sign. You find yourself getting snappy and easily annoyed by everything: the people you love, your job, people at the grocery store. You never feel like you’re actually resting. You wake up every morning feeling just as exhausted as the night before and, worse, dreading your day of parenting, working, or interacting with others (or all 3!). That’s burn out, friend, and it’s unfortunately very common, especially among young professional women and mothers. We’re prime targets for not having enough boundaries, imposter syndrome, and feeling like we have to reach peak productivity to be important.

It goes without saying: if you’re feeling signs of burn out, you need to establish boundaries. Here are a few you might consider:

• Setting strict work hours and not adjusting these unless it is a bonafide emergency (as defined by you, not your boss, not your client).

• Scheduling in quiet time for yourself everyday. This might be a bath, watching a movie by yourself in your bedroom, organizing your closet, whatever.

• Taking a week off every 6 weeks to reset, recharge, and get some much needed chores done (or just relax).

2. You can’t get anything done.

It’s not procrastination: it’s stress, baby! Because you’re constantly taking on things for other people, allowing yourself to be interrupted or distracted, you find yourself pulled between 100 different tasks and stuck, unable to complete any of them. The laundry that needs folded. The living room that needs cleaned desperately. The dinner that needs cooked. The client project’s that need tackled. There is so much to do and it’s so overwhelming—but the emails don’t stop, your husband standing in the door asking about your child’s favorite stuffed animal doesn’t stop, said child running in to ask to go on a hike… it doesn’t stop.

Between the disruptions, the overwhelm, and everything else, you just can’t get anything done. It feels too hard, too overwhelming. It’s a sign you need boundaries. Here are a few suggestions:

• Set filters on your email or politely ask friends, associates, and clients to limit their emails to you throughout the day.

• Remind those in your household to keep interruptions to a minimum. Using a red-light/green-light system for your kids is really effective.

• Write a to do list of less than 5 items to help narrow your focus and trim away the fluff. If other tasks can be delegated back to clients or coworkers, do that and communicate that this is not a task you can take on.

3. You feel like you don’t have any space of your own.

Speaking of email… your email is full of people asking questions, getting your advice and emotional energy for totally free. Your Instagram DMs are full of people asking questions about your content, your posts, everything. You get texts from clients. You feel like you don’t have any space that you can control, that doesn’t feel overwhelming and demanding.

This is an interesting point because it might feel like it doesn’t differentiate from the others. But I think the point here is: sometimes we have to set boundaries on our communication and carve out space for ourselves that doesn’t feel like it drains us. You might want to just enjoy Instagram and not be bombarded by repetitive DMs! Or you might want to reply to fun emails from friends that don’t ask for favors, free advice, or whatever. You want to enjoy those digital (or physical) spaces without the pressure to be working, productive, providing a service, or answering questions that you’ve already answered.

Here are a few boundaries you might consider:

• Setting up filters in your email. (Seriously, this helps SO MUCH).

• Communicating with friends that you love talking about your work, but that you simply can’t provide free services to them. (This is a hard one for me too, so I get it!)

• Setting clear standards on Instagram and other social media about what kind of messages you will and won’t respond to.

4. You feel guilty constantly.

You’re behind on a client deadline, but can’t focus because you feel so bad that your child is out in the living room alone. You go play with your child only to feel guilty that you should be working on that massive to do list for a client project.

Everything you do makes you feel guilty. Every choice makes you feel guilty. You never feel like you can rest because you feel so guilty.

Carrying guilt is so common these days. There’s a lot to think about, a lot to worry about, and, of course, a lot to feel guilty about. However, if you’re feeling guilt over everything you’re doing and not doing, you need to create some boundaries to free yourself from those feelings and expectations.

Here are a few ideas:

• When you find yourself spiraling into guilt, set up a series of actions to take, such as taking a walk, listening to a song you love, or doing literally anything else besides stewing in your guilt.

• Make a schedule and stick to it: these are the hours you work, these are the hours you spend with your kids, these are the hours you have to yourself.

How to Set Boundaries As A Mom

Happy August! This month, we’re going to talk about establishing boundaries: in your business, in your personal relationships, and beyond. Establishing boundaries is so important to everyone and something we don’t talk about enough! I hope you find value and comfort in these blog posts.

A few months ago, I was talking to my therapist about how difficult it felt to give my son the attention he needs while also finishing my work. She asked me a few questions about how we spent our time during the day. I talked about the added pressure I felt to be doing activities with him: making things and keeping him entertained.

“It sounds like you need some boundaries,” she said.

We kept talking on our Zoom call and when I hung up, I sat for a while thinking about what she had said. Boundaries? With your kids?

I knew all about setting boundaries: I have pretty strict boundaries set up between my work and my life, such as no working after a certain time, taking every other Friday off, not checking my email on my phone, and more. But as a mother, I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what it mean to establish boundaries as a mother. With my kid!

We tend to think of setting boundaries as an ultimatum, as something negative or a consequence of something bad happening. But the truth is, the more I thought about what my therapist said (and the more we talked about it over the next few weeks), the more I realized that setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be a good thing!

Let’s talk through a few points about setting boundaries as a mother (or parent!). (As a reminder, I’m not a counselor or therapist; this is just what I’ve learned from researching and establishing boundaries in my own life.)

What does it mean to establish boundaries as a mother?

Imagine it: you’re in your office, working away at a task that shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes. 5 minutes in, your son rushes in and needs help. You get up to help him. 5 minutes later, you’re back at your desk… and your son rushes in again to ask you to do something else (fill in the blank: make a comic book, make cookies, go to grandma’s…) That 30 minute task stretches out to an hour, 2 hours, as you work to give your child the attention he needs (because you feel guilty if you say no).

“Sometimes we need to set boundaries around things to protect our own mental health, and that’s ok.⠀⠀”

— ourmamavillage on Instagram

Now, imagine this scenario: you’re in your office, working away at a task that shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes. 5 minutes in, your son rushes in and needs help. You say, “Did you check the door?” He loops back and see’s the “red light” sight on the door, which means “give me time.”

Establishing boundaries isn’t about punishing our kids or making them feel unimportant in comparison to our jobs. It is about providing us the ability to get our work done and not lose our minds in the process.

As working moms (or not working moms, but just moms trying to get shit done during the day), we can often feel like we don’t deserve to set these boundaries because being a parent is one of our jobs of many. We manage homes and schedules, we work jobs, we do the laundry, and we entertain the kids. And if entertaining the kids gets in the way of the other jobs, well, shouldn’t we prioritize our kids? Not necessarily.

You deserve to set boundaries because:

• You deserve to be able to finish a simple task in a short amount of time.

• You need space and rest just as much as anyone else, including your children.

• Your child will benefit immensely from it as well.

How can you set boundaries with young kids?

There is a lot written out there about establishing boundaries with mothers. That is, if you’re an adult and you have a difficult or toxic mother who interferes with your life. There is considerably less out there about establishing boundaries with kids, probably because this is relatively new for women, especially in the millennial generation. We were raised to think kids were our 100% and the current media bent (as well as hospital initiatives like BFHI) is that we should martyr ourselves for the good of our children. However, running ourselves on empty for the sake of our kids… isn’t great either, we just don’t have the evidence to support it quite yet.

So when it comes to setting boundaries with your kids, what can you do?

• Put a small sign on your office door to indicate if they can come in and ask you a question. (My son responds well to “red light” and “green light” signs as he understands what these mean without being able to read.)

• Communicate your boundaries clearly, in language that children understand at their developmental stage. (“When mom is working in your office, please knock before coming in or asking a question” will work for older kids; it won’t work for a 3-year-old!)

• Enforce that some areas are off limits for kids, such as your bedroom or your office. Remind them to knock or ask politely before coming in to ask you something.

• Let kids feel the consequences of a boundary being crossed. It’s easy to give in when kids are sad or disappointed. However, keeping boundaries enforced for both of your sakes is important. Let them understand the consequences and feel the emotion.

What does setting boundaries teach our children?

Setting boundaries in our lives is really hard. We’re all tempted to let them go at certain times (like when your boss texts you to do something ASAP), but setting boundaries, and protecting our mental health, isn’t just good for us. It’s good for our kids too.

Here’s a great post from ourmamavillage on Instagram that I highly recommend you read the entire caption!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Jess: Therapist for Parents (@ourmamavillage) on Jul 9, 2020 at 6:15am PDT

Here’s the summary though: it’s kids job to ask for the world. That’s their job! However, giving them the world doesn’t teach them anything about boundaries or what is best for them. If you child asked for ice cream for every meal, they’d be very happy if they got it for every meal. However, they probably wouldn’t feel very good after a few days. It’s our job as parents to create the boundary that says, “you can have ice cream with dinner, but not for every meal. In the meantime, let’s talk about what kind of ice cream we’ll have with dinner!”

In the same way, setting our boundaries as parents helps them learn to set boundaries, protect their own mental health, and respect the needs of others.

How do we stop feeling guilty about establishing boundaries?

Now, here’s the big one: how do we stop feeling guilty?

Part of the reason we feel so guilty is because we are inundated with media that suggests we should feel guilty. Would I have been happier postpartum if I hadn’t read article after article about feeling guilty about not being able to breastfeed? Possibly. If I had just sat down my phone and focused on what was working, would I have been happier in the choices I had to make? I actually am pretty sure of that. Would we feel less worry if we didn’t Google things? Also, definitely.

There are entire Instagram accounts dedicated to feeling guilty, momshame, breastfeeding this, bottle feeding that. It’s easy to get stuck in the idea that there is one best way to parent and we have to follow it or else we’re doing something wrong.

Here’s what I want to ask you: do you think moms in the 1950s were laying awake every night wondering if they were doing it right? The answer is, maybe a few did, but probably not as much as now. Here’s another question: do you think your mother lied awake at night feeling guilty for not letting you have everything you asked for? I know my mom definitely struggled and didn’t get enough time to herself (sorry mom! I love you!), but I don’t think she felt that guilty when she closed her bedroom door and turned up the TV.

If you struggle with guilt (and trust me, there have been a lot of nights in the last 6 months where I’ve lied awake worried that we haven’t done anything fun for Forrest), here’s my advice: stop consuming media about feeling guilty as a mother. Unfollow the Instagram accounts that seem to bathe in their guilt publicly. Unfollow anyone who makes you feel guilty. Stop Googling about it! And most important, set the boundaries so that, when you are in a space to be just with your child, you’re able to have more fun than when you’re letting yourself be run dry.

If you start you feel guilt settling (and sometimes we feel guilt in our body before we think about it), remind yourself that you’re doing your best and that you are protecting both your needs and your child’s (or children’s) needs, that you have a hard job, and our lives right now are not normal. However, if you show your kids love, respect their emotions, and do the best you can… they will be fine. They don’t need supermom.