What is Self-Care versus Self-Soothing?

Self-care is important, especially if you struggle with your mental health. Even if you don’t, we all need ways of taking care of ourselves, of prioritizing rest and making time to focus on things that make us feel good.

But there is an aspect of self-care that often gets overlooked when it comes to mainstream articles: self-soothing. Self-soothing is part of self-care and often, self-soothing behaviors get used as examples of self-care. And while they certainly are, we have to start thinking of them separately in order to create a plan that works most effectively.

In this blog post, let’s talk about what self-soothing is versus what self-care is. Let’s jump in.

What is self-care?

Think of self-care as larger, overarching behaviors that help us meet our goals, grow as people, or just develop better habits. This might be things like: taking medication consistently on time; spending time outdoors or getting exercise; cleaning your home or apartment. These things might not necessarily be soothing or relaxing, but they may help us further on down the road.

What is self-soothing?

Self-soothing is more of a micro look at mental health. While self-care can help you repair after feeling burnt out, self-soothing can help you in a moment of distress. Examples of self-soothing might be things like going for a quick walk to get air, hugging a stuffed animal or blanket that makes you feel better, or smelling a candle or essential oil that you really enjoy. These things can help calm you down in moments of distress. So, self-soothing is a part of self-care, but they aren’t necessarily the same activities.

Is there anything wrong with self-soothing?

The short answer is no, as long as self-soothing behaviors are healthy. Unhealthy self-soothing behaviors provide temporary relief, but have negative consequences overall for your mental health; these can be things like substance abuse (such as drinking a glass of wine when you’re stressed), self-harm, or other compulsive behaviors.

This post was originally part of a series about mental health during the holidays. In order to kickstart my return to blogging, I am publishing it now.

3 Lifestyle Changes That Aren't About Weight Loss

I don’t know about you, but in 2020, working out wasn’t exactly on my radar. In the midst of so much turmoil, and with gym closures, it was just more hassle than anything else. I had a child home from school from March through June, I was running my own business for the first time in my life (more on this later), and I was just working to make sure that everyone in my life was safe. The most working out I did was going on roughly weekly long walks with Forrest. These were a soothing way for us to spend some time together and it allowed Forrest to get all his energy out (especially since I didn’t have 3 hours for him to go to school and play with other kids anymore).

It goes without saying: not working out for a year had a huge impact on my life. Not so much on my body, although I’ve definitely noticed more aches and pains in the last year (that might be because I’m 32, though).

There was a time where I worked out every single day, where I looked forward to it. After I had Forrest, that number shifted from every day to 3 times a week and I’d take him walking in his stroller frequently. The older he got, the less time it felt like I had—plus, I couldn’t just pop him into the stroller with a snack anymore.

When 2020 started, I remember feeling a surge of guilt about my gym membership: I still had it, but I wasn’t using it. After I got laid off, I just didn’t feel like I had the time for it. I was working all the time and burnt out at the end of the day. Plus, as Forrest got older, he stayed up later and bedtimes somehow became more difficult. There were a lot of things happening.

This is all to say: working out hasn’t been on my radar for the last year or more. But all those aches and pains I’ve been feeling have made me think about it more and more as well. Plus, I’ve been doing the (challenging, difficult, strenuous) work of removing the link between “working out” and “losing weight” in my own mind. (I encourage you, as well, to take on this work, although, as I said, it’s really, really hard.) That meant not working out. That meant looking at my life and how I think about my body differently. All good things. Powerful things. Things I needed to do.

On January 1, 2021, for the first time in my life, I did not set a goal about my body. Instead, I wrote about my anti-resolutions and how one of mine this year is to not try to change my body—but rather to work with it, to treat it with respect and kindness. For me, this is a huge moment and I want to hold space for myself to feel however I need to feel about it.

When we talk about wellness, and diet culture, and health, we often hear the phrase: “lifestyle change.” Lifestyle change has, like wellness, become a codeword for weight loss. In that way, I don’t love the term “lifestyle change”—but I think there is potential for us to rethink what lifestyle changes are and can be, how we can use them in our lives. When the New Year comes around, we all have this desire to try to make the best of our lives—and how else can we describe that other than… a lifestyle change?

Without further ado, here are 3 lifestyle changes to consider for 2021 that have nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with honoring yourself. All of these lifestyle changes have to do with improving your life in ways that are meaningful to you and prioritizing your mental health.

1. Incorporating activity into your day

The thing about working out that I’ve learned over my life is this: if you don’t enjoy it, you will get nothing out of it. So when I say, “incorporate activity into your day,” I mean doing something you like. Do you enjoy yoga? Then do yoga. Do you like going for walks? Go for a walk! I used to force myself to do cardio and lift weights every single day and while I looked forward to it, I also hated it—and I don’t think, at the age of 32, I’ll ever be able to force myself to sweat out 45+ minutes of cardio ever again. I simply don’t have the patience.

What I can do is bike for 30 minutes a day. Or use my standing desk throughout the day. Or go for a hike on the weekends. There is so much activity that I do enjoy and I no longer wish to participate in the parts I don’t like.

By incorporating activity into your day in a way you enjoy, you get all the positive aspects of working out without any of the kind of ucky ones. That being said: if you aren’t at a point in your life where working out works for you, or you don’t have the energy, or it is too triggering, there are so many ways to be “active.” Taking an evening walk. Cleaning your kitchen. Dancing to your favorite song. These are low stress ways to honor your body without being too intense.

On this note, I firmly believe in treating yourself. If incorporating activity you love into your day is something you’re interested in, then I have a few recommendations for gear. I’m a huge fan of leggings and sweatshirts (It’s what I wear… every day?) Here are a few favorites from Adidas.

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2. Adding journaling to your day

Listen, I love journaling. I will never stop writing about journaling, talking about journaling, and encouraging others to journal. Journaling in a way that makes sense for you—whatever that means for you—is something I’m so passionate about.

Here’s why: I think journaling is a great way to self-reflect, to reduce your own stress, to show gratitude not just to yourself but to others and your body and your world. Journaling is so many things. You can read all of my blog posts about journaling here.

I know many maybe wouldn’t consider journaling to be a lifestyle change—but I think by making time for yourself, even just 10-30 minutes in the evening, can be a huge lifestyle shift for lots of people. By taking that time to yourself, to journal in a way that is comfortable for you, you are changing the future of your life: you’re telling yourself that you’re allowed to take up space, to take up time, to prioritize your mental health and well-being. And that’s incredible.

If you’ve ever wanted to add journaling to your life, but just haven’t taken the plunge, I think there are tons of ways to do this. Here are a few ideas:

• Using a paper-and-pen journal that you keep at your desk. Every morning, you can use one page for your to do list and one side for your journal. Don’t think of journaling as “I’m going to write out my whole day”—but rather, I’m going to reflect on my day or the previous day. You can write a whole page or a paragraph or however much you feel like.

• Use a Google Doc.

• Use your Notes app.

• Use a day planner and just fill in that day’s square.

• Text yourself.

• Email yourself.

Like I said: there are tons of ways to journal that aren’t just sitting down to write in a journal, like a Dear Diary scene in a movie! You can use a Passion Planner to memory keep, a day planner, your Google calendar—so many options! These are just a few. If you want to start with journal prompts, well, I obviously have a ton of those as well.

3. Working on a daily schedule

There were some days between March and July that were just… whatever. Whatever worked! Candy for breakfast, bread for lunch, something low energy for dinner, the TV on at 7am and not turned off until 7pm, watching movies in bed with popcorn. Whatever. It was survival.

But I don’t thrive in that kind of life and neither does Forrest. Since September, we’ve been working to get back to a daily schedule—not the same thing everyday, but at least something where he (and I!) know what to expect out of each day. This is the day we go to school, or this is the day we go get groceries, or this is the day we go for a long walk.

This is a massive change to your lifestyle. If you’re struggling with burn out, with a lack of self-care, with feeling like you have no control over your life, I can’t recommend working on a daily schedule enough. It gives your day structure.

I feel like this is something a lot of moms learn pretty fast. After you have your baby and you have this very fragile, squishy newborn in your house, you can quickly get overwhelmed and the parts of your life that used to be so sure just… fall away. It’s harder to just run to the store; it’s harder to make breakfast, and morning coffee; it’s harder to get out the door to work; it’s harder to find purpose in each day when you feel totally overwhelmed. Trust me when I say: a schedule helps. It helps so much.

I have a whole series of posts about establishing a daily routine or schedule. These will help you determine what you want in your day, how to get started (the truth is: you just start!), and a few other things to consider.

3 Things to Do When You Feel Anxious

Did anyone else blink and the entirety of November was over?

Just me?

It feels like we started the month stretched tight like a rubber band. I don’t know about you, but after November 3rd (and realistically, after November 7th), I felt better than I have in months. Years, maybe. It just nice to have it be over no matter what. I slept like a baby, actually! As a result, unfortunately, things fell to the wayside: I found that I could keep up on my work and NaNoWriMo, but not my blog or Instagram.

And that’s fine! Sometimes, in the midst of taking care of ourselves, we have to let some things go. The blog, as it is, survived. The NaNoWriMo novel is almost finished (thank goodness—I hate it already, but I’m determined to win!)

Originally, I planned to have several articles in my Self-Care for the Holidays series—but as time passed in November, I just didn’t have the energy for them! The first blog post is very good, so if you want to read it, please do. This blog post is related, but different and not necessarily part of the series.

If you’re like me, you’re finding yourself having moments of sudden anxiety, I hope you find this post helpful! These are three things I do whenever I’m feeling mysteriously anxious—when I want to pace around or get in my car and drive somewhere. Let me know if you have something that helps you!

1. Go for a walk.

Fresh air is often the best medicine and can help break you out of a panic or anxiety attack.

When Forrest was very little, whenever he would start crying and be unable to stop, I’d take him outside. We’d stand in the brisk air and just breathe together. This always helped. In the past few months, I’ve realized that whenever I’m keyed up, on edge, and stressed, I need to do the same thing with myself: no matter how cold or hot it is, how rainy or muggy or (in the case of September) smokey, if I go outside and just breathe for a few minutes, I feel instantly better.

2. Talk to someone—even just yourself.

Vocalizing what is worrying you out loud can often help the most. However, not everyone feels comfortable expressing their deepest worries or anxieties to other people—and that’s ok. I often talk out loud to myself in my office.

If you aren’t at a place where you feel comfortable sharing with someone, try journaling, talking out loud, or texting a friend (not necessarily about your anxiety). Journaling is one of the best ways to get all your anxieties out! Even if it’s just typing in your notes app.

3. Practice self-soothing.

Everyone has different self-soothing behaviors. Mine is lying in bed with a weighted blanket and a good book. I try to avoid my phone during moments of high anxiety as I find this tends to make me go into freeze behaviors—like scrolling endlessly on Instagram.

Self-soothing is often what people think of when they think of self-care: taking baths, reading books, those kind of things. When you self-soothe, you’re finding a way to soothe your anxiety and take care of yourself at the same time.

4 Ideas for Holiday Self-Care

Welcome to another series here at Writing Between Pauses. This month, we’re going to be talking all things self-care and the holidays—given how November started, I think we all need a little self-care refocus these days! I hope you enjoy this series. We’ll be covering everything self-care gifts, what’s the difference between self-care and self-soothing, and much more.

When writing self-care posts, it is very easy to slip into those easy tropes we’ve all seen. Take baths! Read a book! Put on cozy socks! Those things are nice and they’re very soothing, but they aren’t self-care for everybody. (We’ll talk about why I consider those things part of self-care, but actually a different part of self-care in a future post. Stay tuned!)

In this blog post, I wanted to give you 4 ideas right now that you can use to prioritize your mental health in the coming months. This past week, I think most of us (at least, those who read my blog—and if you know me, you know where my thoughts lie) experienced a huge lifting of feeling and emotion. The past 4 years have been hard. The past year has somehow been the hardest. And yet, here we are.

If you’re reading this, you survived. You made it.

We can do hard things. You can do hard things.

But I know for so many of us, this has taken a huge toll on our mental health. Personally, the past 3 months have been perhaps the lowest I’ve been since 2015, when I struggled hard with postpartum depression. It is a very hard time right now; part of me is always guilty because I think, I have it so much easier than other people. I want so badly to be someone who remains resilient. But the truth is: we all have our struggles and we can’t put up a decent fight if we aren’t giving ourselves kindness and space to be healthy.

I hope these suggestions give you ideas for the holiday season, for moving forward with self kindness and self-care. Thanks for reading, as always. Let’s dive in!

1. Set Clear Boundaries Early.

Do you have family who wants you to visit for the holidays, even though there is still a pandemic and you’re not sure how safe it is? Do you have family who doesn’t believe the pandemic is even real and they want you to visit them during the holiday season? Here’s one suggestion you can do right now: set your boundaries now.

“Hi [relative’s name]. Thank you so much for thinking of us this holiday season. We won’t be able to make it to your party this year, but expect a gift from us in the mail!” That’s all you have to say. You set the boundary. You communicated it. If there is pushback, you don’t even have to give a reason if you don’t want to; you can just say, “we aren’t able to make it!” No apologizing, no giving in. That’s your boundary.

If that isn’t your boundary (and I get it, it’s totally your choice), still work on setting your holiday boundaries early. Communicate when you’ll be working and when you won’t. Let others know when you’ll be available and when you won’t. Setting these boundaries now means you’ll be more comfortable enforcing them later.

2. Create a System that Prioritizes Your Needs.

Guess what? You’re important! Your needs for sleep, comfort, food, and more are important!

Creating a system is a kind of complicated way of saying this: make it easy to prioritize yourself now. Create the framework that means you have the things you need and will need for the coming months available. Schedule the grocery pick ups. Meal plan. Set aside special days for take out or just plan for it once a week when you feel like it. Order your prescriptions and medications. Stock up on what you’ll need for your favorite holiday baking or craft projects.

Make it easy to prioritize yourself and your needs now so that it’s easier later.

3. Ask Your Friends if They Can Be An Ear.

Reach out to your closest friends and ask in advance: if I’m struggling in the next 2 months, can I call or text you?

It’s just as easy as that! If they say yes, add them to your favorites. If they say no, thank them for their honesty. If you’re in the mental place for it as well, you can also offer in the same breath to be available to someone if they need to call and vent, or get advice, or just talk about something happy for a moment. Ask for an ear, offer to be an ear. No matter what, get a list of people you can turn to for support now, rather than later.

4. Schedule Therapy.

You don’t know you need therapy until, well, you need therapy. I’ve been going to therapy once a month recently; more frequently and it tends to have an opposite effect for me. This is the perfect sweet spot for me to have enough to talk about and get enough “homework” to work on.

However, if you suspect the holiday season might be hard for you, here’s my suggestion: find a therapist to work with now (if you don’t have one) or schedule your sessions in advance (if you do have one). Right now, I have sessions scheduled for the coming month, knowing that the weather, the holiday season pressures, and work issues are going to come to a head.

No matter what, I’m prepared to either be fine OR need additional support from my therapist. Whatever happens, happens, but I have my schedule in place and I’m prepared.

How to Set Boundaries for NaNoWriMo

I love NaNoWriMo and I love setting boundaries, but how on Earth do those 2 things go together?

Well, more than you would expect.

If you’ve ever done NaNoWriMo, it can feel all-encompassing, like it’s taking over your life sometimes. That’s not really how it should be. Not be blasé, but at the end of the day, you’re writing 1,600ish words every day. It doesn’t need to take over every waking minute of your day.

It’s ok if it does! If your life is set up in such a way, that’s a totally fine. Wanting to succeed at NaNoWriMo is one thing; feeling like it dominates your life for a month kind of sucks the fun out of it, doesn’t it?

What do we need? Boundaries. How will we get them? By setting them and sticking to them ourselves!

Yeah, that second part isn’t quite as catchy or fun sounding, is it?

Before we jump in to setting boundaries for NaNoWriMo, I want to share a few resources for setting boundaries in general.

• A Complete Guide to Setting Boundaries

• 4 Signs You Need Boundaries

• 3 Journal Prompts for Setting Boundaries

• How to Set Boundaries with Kindness

What Boundaries Do You Need for NaNoWriMo?

It goes without saying: start by looking at your life, then your process, then what you want to achieve.

Here are the boundaries I set during NaNoWriMo:

• I have a certain time frame every day to write my words. I make time for it, I communicate that need to everyone around me. If I can’t accomplish my words in that set time frame, I can adjust it, but I also can’t push aside other needs in my life for the sake of words.

• Limit my screen time outside of work and NaNoWriMo. The rest of the year, I might play Animal Crossing or scroll through IG to rest; this year, since I’ll be increasing my computer screen time, I have to limit my screen time outside of those hours too.

• My other work exists and matters outside of NaNoWriMo and I reserve the right to abandon NaNo if it doesn’t serve me.

Now, here are a few categories of boundary that I think everyone attempting NaNoWriMo should consider:

• A time boundary: how much time do you have to dedicate to NaNoWriMo?

• A mental health boundary: are you in a place where participating in NaNoWriMo will serve you?

• A relationship boundary: are you able to communicate to those around you regarding NaNoWriMo? Will they understand to not pressure you to skip it or to dedicate too much time to it?

• A physical boundary: are you able to give yourself space to complete NaNoWriMo while still meeting all your own personal needs?

Setting Yourself Up for Success

Setting boundaries isn’t just a chance to be a fuddy duddy or to annoy your friends or loved ones. (It should be said: setting boundaries can seem like a drag, especially if you’re not used to advocating for yourself, but it’s not annoying behavior.)

When you set effective boundaries for yourself and your goals, you set yourself up for success. You take into account your limitations, the limitations of your space, and the abilities of those around you. You make your needs clear to other people and yourself most importantly.

I don’t want you to think of setting boundaries as annoying, or a waste of time. Think of it as just another step, like having the right tools for a job, of being successful.

Other Resources

Here are some other NaNoWriMo-related posts that you may find helpful!

• How to Prep For NaNoWriMo When You Work

• 3 Tips for Staying Motivated During NaNoWriMo

• 5 NaNoWriMo Essentials

• Is It Time for NaNoWriMo Editing?

• 4 Things to Do To Prepare for NaNoWriMo

• Preparing for NaNoWriMo in 3 Steps

Monthly Journaling: 31 Prompts for October 2020

Happy October! Another month, another exciting set of journaling prompts.

This month, I wanted to focus on finding little joys throughout your month (make sure to check out my Inspiration Sunday post on this subject!), as well as Fall memories, focusing on your mental health (and how that feels in your body), and connecting with yourself through writing.

These prompts are a great way to get yourself writing every day, or just give yourself a few minutes to relax and tune out (and get away from a screen!). I hope you find these helpful!

Do You Struggle to Find Time For Yourself?

It feels like a universal problem: women put themselves last on the list when it comes to self-care or just basic necessities. Time slips and suddenly, we find ourselves 4 years postpartum and not having been to the doctor for, well, that entire time. We skip getting ourselves new things in favor of the others in our life. We fold the laundry while listening to a podcast instead of just relaxing. There are a thousand little ways that people, but especially women, find themselves putting the needs of others before themselves.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

But when taken to an extreme, it definitely can be.

Caring about other people isn’t a problem. The problem is not having boundaries when it’s too much.

One of the things about setting boundaries is this: you have to keep your boundaries, even when it’s hard, even when it’s challenging, even if sometimes you want to do something. (To read all my posts about Setting Boundaries, click here!)

When it comes to taking more time for yourself, you’ll need to set boundaries around your work life, personal life, and home life. That’s not easy work, but it’s worth it in the long run. Let’s talk through a few ways to set boundaries and have more time for yourself.

1. Say no to projects.

You don’t have to say no to every project—but if you just plain don’t have time in your schedule (and you know when that’s true—you just do!), it’s ok to say no. In fact, it’s best for you to just say no to those extra projects. As fun as they might be. As good as they might before you. As much as you might want to help a friend or a favorite client.

Say no to the extra projects. That’s a boundary.

You don’t have to say, “No, sorry!” and that’s it. Here are a few ways to say no to extra projects to help you out:

• “Thank you for thinking of me! This sounds like a really great project. However, my schedule is full until January. If it can wait until then, I’d love to take it on.”

• An alternative ending: “My schedule is full until January. I have another friend that I think might be perfect for this project. Can I put you in contact with them?”

That’s it! Here’s a run down of what to say if your situation doesn’t fit that scenario:

• Acknowledge the feelings. (This sounds fun! or I’m so glad you thought of me, that’s so kind of you.)

• Communicate the boundary. (My schedule is full; I don’t have time; I want to do a good job, but can’t because of my schedule.)

• Provide an alternative.

2. Schedule your chores.

I know this sounds not-so-fun, but it’s the best advice I can give you. If you, like me, struggle to make time for yourself, but also struggle to prioritize housework, then this is for you.

When it comes to housework, I want a beautiful, clean, organized home. And about 65% of the time, I have it. But it’s usually because I fall behind in what I’m doing, get distracted, or get burnt out—so I do one big cleaning every other week instead of cleaning throughout weeks to keep my home nice from the start.

A few months ago, I started setting a timer for every evening at 6pm. I drop whatever I’m doing and go clean the kitchen: finish the dishes, wipe down the counters, clear away the clutter, sweep the floors if I need to. It takes maybe 30 minutes, but it helps me feel just a little more productive. In the morning, I set a very similar timer to quickly clean the bedrooms: make the beds, pick up toys/blankets/etc, clean the bathroom toilets if they need it, and whatever else needs done in that 20-30 minute window.

It’s been hugely helpful to set aside these 2 windows every day to get the chores done that help my house feel the cleanest. It makes weekend cleaning way less insurmountable and the more I include these in my schedule, the more they become part of my routine.

Then, every Sunday morning, I do a full house cleaning: vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, the works. It makes it easier to have taken care of some of that work throughout the week. This means once I’m done with a 2-hour cleaning binge on Sunday morning, I have all the time in the day to do whatever I want.

3. Pick your battles carefully.

If you have kids, you know that quality time alone is a challenge. Our kids love us and they want to be around us. It’s hard to tell your kids you want time alone—they don’t understand this concept because they are almost universally more social than us. (Sometimes I think about the fact that I used to go to school and be social every single day and it’s like… shocking.)

That being said, sometimes it’s about picking your battles with kids. If you need quality time to recharge, is there a way you can do this with your kids?

Here’s a scenario: Forrest really can’t fall asleep alone. He’s just at a very specific age, and of a very specific temperament, where this is a challenge for him. I could fight with him to stay in bed every night for 2 hours until he passes out and have 0 time for myself… OR I could let him lie beside me in bed while I listen to music and play Animal Crossing. Which sounds more pleasant to you?! That’s what I thought! And I agree.

Pick your battles. What will you fight your kids on? Helping with chores, keeping their rooms clean, not asking you to do things that they can easily do themselves. What will you night fight your kids on? Things that will make your life harder, take up more of your time, or generally make the house a miserable place to be. This will be different for every parent and it’s really up to you. But I know you have it in you to make these choices! Set your boundaries, communicate them, and choose what to fight about.

A Complete Guide to Setting Boundaries

This month, we’re going to talk about establishing boundaries: in your business, in your personal relationships, and beyond. Establishing boundaries is so important to everyone and something we don’t talk about enough! I hope you find value and comfort in these blog posts. You can read all posts in this series by clicking here.

This week, I’m finally ready to post my full guide to setting boundaries. This guide will cover everything you need to know about setting boundaries: what that means, how to do it, what to say, and how to keep yourself from letting boundaries lapse.

Boundaries are one of the best things you can do to keep your relationships—from work to home—emotionally healthy, as well as to improve your own mental health. There are tons of benefits to setting boundaries—you can read the pull quote below, but here’s a rundown:

• Setting boundaries reduces your stress, as well as your mental load. If you aren’t having to constantly balance the emotional needs of other people, or be on call to everyone at the same time, then you will experience way less stress.

• If you have children, setting healthy, respectful boundaries teaches them to do the same thing: to set healthy, respectful boundaries, to respect themselves, and to prioritize their mental health.

• Setting boundaries help define the line between your work life and your home life.

I’m glad you’re here and reading my guide to setting boundaries. As I’ve said in previous posts in this series, I’m not a mental health professional—just one person who loves to write and who attends therapy to help set boundaries in my professional and personal life! I hope you find this guide helpful.

How to Set Boundaries

What does it mean to set boundaries?

Good question! Here’s an example to help illustrate what that means.

Let’s say you are a mom of 2. Your children’s ages are 3 and 1. Both are walking, but only one is verbal at this time. They have a bad habit of always following you into the bathroom no matter what. You wish they wouldn’t, but if you close the door, the one-year-old throws a fit and the 3-year-old joins in.

What is a boundary to set in this example?

1. Establishing with the 3-year-old in age appropriate language that you want to be alone in the bathroom. Bathroom time is private time.

2. Remind yourself that you deserve private time. Again, bathroom time is private time and you get to decide if you want your children in the bathroom with you or not.

3. Encourage the 3-year-old to entertain the 1-year-old when you’re in the bathroom. “It upsets [baby] when I go to the bathroom. But bathroom time is private time. If she gets upset, can you comfort her for me? You’re so helpful! When I’m done, we can all bake cookies together.”

Firstly, the boundary is defined: you want to go to the bathroom alone and you have that right, even from your children.

Secondly, the boundary is communicated: from now on, you’ll be going to the bathroom alone and closing the door. There will be consequences if they open it.

Thirdly, acknowledge their emotions. “I know it’s upsetting with Mama goes to the bathroom alone. I love that you want to spend time with me. But bathroom time is private time.”

Lastly, you keep the boundary. When you go to the bathroom, you close the door and you don’t let your children sit at your feet.

That’s just one example of setting a boundary! But here’s a rough outline of those steps again:

1. Define the boundary and why it is important to you.

2. Communicate the boundary.

3. Acknowledge the needs of others.

4. Keep the boundary established (even when it’s challenging).

The last steps is admittedly the hardest one. How can you stick to your boundaries when you have a child crying outside the bathroom door? Or when a client calls you over and over on a Saturday afternoon? Or when your boss asks you to please respond to emails after 7pm? Where do you draw the line? Let’s talk about sticking with our boundaries—that will make up the majority of this guide!

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How to Stick to Your Boundaries

Enforcing Boundaries with Love and Kindness

First things first, let’s remember why we’re setting boundaries in the first place.

In the example I provided, we aren’t setting a boundary with our children to be alone int he bathroom because we don’t like our kids. We want and deserve a few minutes alone; and we want to make sure our children understand that bathroom time is private time.

Boundaries are created out of love and a desire to be better--not a desire to hurt other people.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we don’t love the people around us, that we don’t like them, or that we don’t respect them. You can set boundaries and show love and kindness while doing so!

All that being said: sometimes, our boundaries aren’t respected. This doesn’t happen out of unkindness, usually. It just means that perhaps they don’t understand the boundary, they don’t understand why it’s important, or they don’t realize that what they’re doing is crossing the boundary. However, sometimes people do it, plain and simple, because they don’t feel like respecting your boundaries—which means they don’t really care about respecting you. In this case, the only advice I have is this: it’s not your job to make it easier for them to do this!

Enforcing boundaries with love and kindness will look different for everyone. However, here are a few example phrases I keep in my arsenal:

• “Do you remember when we talked about appropriate times to text me? It was a few weeks ago, so I just want to circle back to that and remind you that my working hours are…”

• "Last time we spoke, I mentioned that I do try to get to emails within 24-48 hours. A few days ago, you emailed me 3 times in 2 hours. I get that sometimes things happen, but due to the volume of my inbox, I have to ask you to please not do that. I appreciate you as a client and this project is so fun, but that does get overwhelming for me.”

• “I’m so excited to bake cookies with you later. But for now, I need to work. I’ve put the red light sign on my door. Do you remember what that means?”

Keep gently reinforcing boundaries! You don’t have to be rude (or feel rude!) when you do it.

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Communicating Boundaries Respectfully

When we set boundaries, we want to make sure that not only are we communicating our boundaries, but also acknowledging the feelings of others as we do so. This might mean:

• Reminding our children that we love them and respect them and that, when we’re doing with xyz, we’ll do something fun together.

• Reminding our clients how much we appreciate their work.

• Reminding our friends and family that we appreciate them and love them.

Communicating boundaries respectfully also means acknowledging the boundaries and feelings over others. This might mean having longer discussions about our boundaries, how we communicate best, and how we don’t want to be spoken to. This is great for extremely close relationships, like your partner, siblings, parents, or others.

However, for clients, this is definitely more complicated.

Sometimes as freelance workers, we can feel not like we are a boss, but rather like we have multiple bosses. With all my clients, I try to reiterate one small fact: I am a freelancer, not an employee; as such, I am not beholden to rules of an employer like an employee would be. I set my working hours; I set my response times; and it is up to me set those expectations from the beginning. Those expectations are ultimately boundaries and if a client repeatedly pushes on them, the boundary needs to be established even more—and reinforced, as we’ve discussed. That being said, this is a relationship that is often much more fraught, because it is almost entirely without emotion.

Our work boundaries are often more challenging to communicate than our personal life boundaries—and that’s ok. Here are a few great things to say:

• “Hi there! I’m sorry if you expected a reply to this when you sent it. For the sake of my mental health and to allow myself to be the best employee, I do not respond to work emails or questions after 6pm. I try to get to these emails and texts first thing when I start my work day though.”

• “I noticed that you have been texting me after 6pm a lot recently. Here is how I prioritize my work. Would that help you better understand why I’m not getting to things at a certain time?”

• “Would it be helpful to schedule a weekly check in time so that we can handle all of these concerns at once? Maybe that will reduce both of our inboxes!”

This is definitely challenging work, but it is valuable. The more you communicate your boundaries, and reinforce them, the easier it will get.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

Setting boundaries is where we are all most likely to experience gaslighting, unfortunately. In this case, I want to the Mindgeek on Instagram, who has tons of resources to responding to gaslighting behavior.

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A post shared by Sarah Crosby (@themindgeek) on Aug 21, 2020 at 11:27am PDT

Here are a few examples of gaslighting in response to setting boundaries:

• “I don’t remember you saying that” or “that’s not what you said!” when you remind them of your boundaries.

• “It’s not that bad”

• “You’re just being dramatic.”

If you experience these things, the only thing I can offer is sympathy; know that I understand, your boundaries are valuable and important; and that you know your truth more than anyone else. The Mindgeek’s tips are good ones.

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How to Move Forward

Where do I go from here?

You set the boundary; you communicated it; you’ve been working on enforcing it… what happens now?

The thing about setting boundaries is this isn’t one-and-done work. It requires constant checking in and re-establishing. It can feel overwhelming to think of this work as being one that never ends. But instead of thinking of it as endless (“oh my god, I have to keep reminding my kids to do xyz everyday—this is the worst”), think of it as an opportunity: “each time I remind my kids of xyz, I get another opportunity to teach them to prioritize their mental health and relationships.”

Working on ourselves and our mental health isn’t ever going to be a one-and-done process. Don’t I wish it was! That being said, looking at things as opportunities to grow and change, to experience something new, to work on being our best selves is much, much better than thinking of it merely as endless, slogging work.

I hope you found this guide to setting boundaries helpful. Thanks for reading, as always!