What is Self-Care versus Self-Soothing?

Self-care is important, especially if you struggle with your mental health. Even if you don’t, we all need ways of taking care of ourselves, of prioritizing rest and making time to focus on things that make us feel good.

But there is an aspect of self-care that often gets overlooked when it comes to mainstream articles: self-soothing. Self-soothing is part of self-care and often, self-soothing behaviors get used as examples of self-care. And while they certainly are, we have to start thinking of them separately in order to create a plan that works most effectively.

In this blog post, let’s talk about what self-soothing is versus what self-care is. Let’s jump in.

What is self-care?

Think of self-care as larger, overarching behaviors that help us meet our goals, grow as people, or just develop better habits. This might be things like: taking medication consistently on time; spending time outdoors or getting exercise; cleaning your home or apartment. These things might not necessarily be soothing or relaxing, but they may help us further on down the road.

What is self-soothing?

Self-soothing is more of a micro look at mental health. While self-care can help you repair after feeling burnt out, self-soothing can help you in a moment of distress. Examples of self-soothing might be things like going for a quick walk to get air, hugging a stuffed animal or blanket that makes you feel better, or smelling a candle or essential oil that you really enjoy. These things can help calm you down in moments of distress. So, self-soothing is a part of self-care, but they aren’t necessarily the same activities.

Is there anything wrong with self-soothing?

The short answer is no, as long as self-soothing behaviors are healthy. Unhealthy self-soothing behaviors provide temporary relief, but have negative consequences overall for your mental health; these can be things like substance abuse (such as drinking a glass of wine when you’re stressed), self-harm, or other compulsive behaviors.

This post was originally part of a series about mental health during the holidays. In order to kickstart my return to blogging, I am publishing it now.

3 Things to Do When You Feel Anxious

Did anyone else blink and the entirety of November was over?

Just me?

It feels like we started the month stretched tight like a rubber band. I don’t know about you, but after November 3rd (and realistically, after November 7th), I felt better than I have in months. Years, maybe. It just nice to have it be over no matter what. I slept like a baby, actually! As a result, unfortunately, things fell to the wayside: I found that I could keep up on my work and NaNoWriMo, but not my blog or Instagram.

And that’s fine! Sometimes, in the midst of taking care of ourselves, we have to let some things go. The blog, as it is, survived. The NaNoWriMo novel is almost finished (thank goodness—I hate it already, but I’m determined to win!)

Originally, I planned to have several articles in my Self-Care for the Holidays series—but as time passed in November, I just didn’t have the energy for them! The first blog post is very good, so if you want to read it, please do. This blog post is related, but different and not necessarily part of the series.

If you’re like me, you’re finding yourself having moments of sudden anxiety, I hope you find this post helpful! These are three things I do whenever I’m feeling mysteriously anxious—when I want to pace around or get in my car and drive somewhere. Let me know if you have something that helps you!

1. Go for a walk.

Fresh air is often the best medicine and can help break you out of a panic or anxiety attack.

When Forrest was very little, whenever he would start crying and be unable to stop, I’d take him outside. We’d stand in the brisk air and just breathe together. This always helped. In the past few months, I’ve realized that whenever I’m keyed up, on edge, and stressed, I need to do the same thing with myself: no matter how cold or hot it is, how rainy or muggy or (in the case of September) smokey, if I go outside and just breathe for a few minutes, I feel instantly better.

2. Talk to someone—even just yourself.

Vocalizing what is worrying you out loud can often help the most. However, not everyone feels comfortable expressing their deepest worries or anxieties to other people—and that’s ok. I often talk out loud to myself in my office.

If you aren’t at a place where you feel comfortable sharing with someone, try journaling, talking out loud, or texting a friend (not necessarily about your anxiety). Journaling is one of the best ways to get all your anxieties out! Even if it’s just typing in your notes app.

3. Practice self-soothing.

Everyone has different self-soothing behaviors. Mine is lying in bed with a weighted blanket and a good book. I try to avoid my phone during moments of high anxiety as I find this tends to make me go into freeze behaviors—like scrolling endlessly on Instagram.

Self-soothing is often what people think of when they think of self-care: taking baths, reading books, those kind of things. When you self-soothe, you’re finding a way to soothe your anxiety and take care of yourself at the same time.

A Complete Guide to Setting Boundaries

This month, we’re going to talk about establishing boundaries: in your business, in your personal relationships, and beyond. Establishing boundaries is so important to everyone and something we don’t talk about enough! I hope you find value and comfort in these blog posts. You can read all posts in this series by clicking here.

This week, I’m finally ready to post my full guide to setting boundaries. This guide will cover everything you need to know about setting boundaries: what that means, how to do it, what to say, and how to keep yourself from letting boundaries lapse.

Boundaries are one of the best things you can do to keep your relationships—from work to home—emotionally healthy, as well as to improve your own mental health. There are tons of benefits to setting boundaries—you can read the pull quote below, but here’s a rundown:

• Setting boundaries reduces your stress, as well as your mental load. If you aren’t having to constantly balance the emotional needs of other people, or be on call to everyone at the same time, then you will experience way less stress.

• If you have children, setting healthy, respectful boundaries teaches them to do the same thing: to set healthy, respectful boundaries, to respect themselves, and to prioritize their mental health.

• Setting boundaries help define the line between your work life and your home life.

I’m glad you’re here and reading my guide to setting boundaries. As I’ve said in previous posts in this series, I’m not a mental health professional—just one person who loves to write and who attends therapy to help set boundaries in my professional and personal life! I hope you find this guide helpful.

How to Set Boundaries

What does it mean to set boundaries?

Good question! Here’s an example to help illustrate what that means.

Let’s say you are a mom of 2. Your children’s ages are 3 and 1. Both are walking, but only one is verbal at this time. They have a bad habit of always following you into the bathroom no matter what. You wish they wouldn’t, but if you close the door, the one-year-old throws a fit and the 3-year-old joins in.

What is a boundary to set in this example?

1. Establishing with the 3-year-old in age appropriate language that you want to be alone in the bathroom. Bathroom time is private time.

2. Remind yourself that you deserve private time. Again, bathroom time is private time and you get to decide if you want your children in the bathroom with you or not.

3. Encourage the 3-year-old to entertain the 1-year-old when you’re in the bathroom. “It upsets [baby] when I go to the bathroom. But bathroom time is private time. If she gets upset, can you comfort her for me? You’re so helpful! When I’m done, we can all bake cookies together.”

Firstly, the boundary is defined: you want to go to the bathroom alone and you have that right, even from your children.

Secondly, the boundary is communicated: from now on, you’ll be going to the bathroom alone and closing the door. There will be consequences if they open it.

Thirdly, acknowledge their emotions. “I know it’s upsetting with Mama goes to the bathroom alone. I love that you want to spend time with me. But bathroom time is private time.”

Lastly, you keep the boundary. When you go to the bathroom, you close the door and you don’t let your children sit at your feet.

That’s just one example of setting a boundary! But here’s a rough outline of those steps again:

1. Define the boundary and why it is important to you.

2. Communicate the boundary.

3. Acknowledge the needs of others.

4. Keep the boundary established (even when it’s challenging).

The last steps is admittedly the hardest one. How can you stick to your boundaries when you have a child crying outside the bathroom door? Or when a client calls you over and over on a Saturday afternoon? Or when your boss asks you to please respond to emails after 7pm? Where do you draw the line? Let’s talk about sticking with our boundaries—that will make up the majority of this guide!

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How to Stick to Your Boundaries

Enforcing Boundaries with Love and Kindness

First things first, let’s remember why we’re setting boundaries in the first place.

In the example I provided, we aren’t setting a boundary with our children to be alone int he bathroom because we don’t like our kids. We want and deserve a few minutes alone; and we want to make sure our children understand that bathroom time is private time.

Boundaries are created out of love and a desire to be better--not a desire to hurt other people.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we don’t love the people around us, that we don’t like them, or that we don’t respect them. You can set boundaries and show love and kindness while doing so!

All that being said: sometimes, our boundaries aren’t respected. This doesn’t happen out of unkindness, usually. It just means that perhaps they don’t understand the boundary, they don’t understand why it’s important, or they don’t realize that what they’re doing is crossing the boundary. However, sometimes people do it, plain and simple, because they don’t feel like respecting your boundaries—which means they don’t really care about respecting you. In this case, the only advice I have is this: it’s not your job to make it easier for them to do this!

Enforcing boundaries with love and kindness will look different for everyone. However, here are a few example phrases I keep in my arsenal:

• “Do you remember when we talked about appropriate times to text me? It was a few weeks ago, so I just want to circle back to that and remind you that my working hours are…”

• "Last time we spoke, I mentioned that I do try to get to emails within 24-48 hours. A few days ago, you emailed me 3 times in 2 hours. I get that sometimes things happen, but due to the volume of my inbox, I have to ask you to please not do that. I appreciate you as a client and this project is so fun, but that does get overwhelming for me.”

• “I’m so excited to bake cookies with you later. But for now, I need to work. I’ve put the red light sign on my door. Do you remember what that means?”

Keep gently reinforcing boundaries! You don’t have to be rude (or feel rude!) when you do it.

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Communicating Boundaries Respectfully

When we set boundaries, we want to make sure that not only are we communicating our boundaries, but also acknowledging the feelings of others as we do so. This might mean:

• Reminding our children that we love them and respect them and that, when we’re doing with xyz, we’ll do something fun together.

• Reminding our clients how much we appreciate their work.

• Reminding our friends and family that we appreciate them and love them.

Communicating boundaries respectfully also means acknowledging the boundaries and feelings over others. This might mean having longer discussions about our boundaries, how we communicate best, and how we don’t want to be spoken to. This is great for extremely close relationships, like your partner, siblings, parents, or others.

However, for clients, this is definitely more complicated.

Sometimes as freelance workers, we can feel not like we are a boss, but rather like we have multiple bosses. With all my clients, I try to reiterate one small fact: I am a freelancer, not an employee; as such, I am not beholden to rules of an employer like an employee would be. I set my working hours; I set my response times; and it is up to me set those expectations from the beginning. Those expectations are ultimately boundaries and if a client repeatedly pushes on them, the boundary needs to be established even more—and reinforced, as we’ve discussed. That being said, this is a relationship that is often much more fraught, because it is almost entirely without emotion.

Our work boundaries are often more challenging to communicate than our personal life boundaries—and that’s ok. Here are a few great things to say:

• “Hi there! I’m sorry if you expected a reply to this when you sent it. For the sake of my mental health and to allow myself to be the best employee, I do not respond to work emails or questions after 6pm. I try to get to these emails and texts first thing when I start my work day though.”

• “I noticed that you have been texting me after 6pm a lot recently. Here is how I prioritize my work. Would that help you better understand why I’m not getting to things at a certain time?”

• “Would it be helpful to schedule a weekly check in time so that we can handle all of these concerns at once? Maybe that will reduce both of our inboxes!”

This is definitely challenging work, but it is valuable. The more you communicate your boundaries, and reinforce them, the easier it will get.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

Setting boundaries is where we are all most likely to experience gaslighting, unfortunately. In this case, I want to the Mindgeek on Instagram, who has tons of resources to responding to gaslighting behavior.

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A post shared by Sarah Crosby (@themindgeek) on Aug 21, 2020 at 11:27am PDT

Here are a few examples of gaslighting in response to setting boundaries:

• “I don’t remember you saying that” or “that’s not what you said!” when you remind them of your boundaries.

• “It’s not that bad”

• “You’re just being dramatic.”

If you experience these things, the only thing I can offer is sympathy; know that I understand, your boundaries are valuable and important; and that you know your truth more than anyone else. The Mindgeek’s tips are good ones.

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How to Move Forward

Where do I go from here?

You set the boundary; you communicated it; you’ve been working on enforcing it… what happens now?

The thing about setting boundaries is this isn’t one-and-done work. It requires constant checking in and re-establishing. It can feel overwhelming to think of this work as being one that never ends. But instead of thinking of it as endless (“oh my god, I have to keep reminding my kids to do xyz everyday—this is the worst”), think of it as an opportunity: “each time I remind my kids of xyz, I get another opportunity to teach them to prioritize their mental health and relationships.”

Working on ourselves and our mental health isn’t ever going to be a one-and-done process. Don’t I wish it was! That being said, looking at things as opportunities to grow and change, to experience something new, to work on being our best selves is much, much better than thinking of it merely as endless, slogging work.

I hope you found this guide to setting boundaries helpful. Thanks for reading, as always!

What Are the Benefits of Journaling in Your Daily Routine?

Do you keep a journal? A diary? A planner?

More specifically: do you have somewhere to dump all your thoughts, feelings, anxieties, tasks, plans, dreams? It doesn’t have to be a traditional diary. It can be in the daily part of your planner, or the extra notes pages in the back. Or it can be an app you use every day. A notebook you use for your grocery lists. Your Notes app. A Word document on your computer or your Google Drive.

Do you see what I’m getting at?

I’m a lifelong journal keeper. And recently in therapy, my therapist asked if I journaled and I basically started listing all the years I’ve kept journals and diaries meticulously. (My earliest saved, complete journal is from my sophomore year of high school. It’s a Harry Potter notebook.) We talked about the benefits of journaling and things I can start journaling about everyday to start thinking more about.

Journaling has so many benefits. Professionally, mentally, emotionally, personally… and making journaling part of your daily routine is super easy. There are so many ways to incorporate journaling—but that’s not what we’re here to talk about.

Journaling in the traditional sense isn’t for everyone; some people just plain don’t like writing by hand. And that’s ok! You can use whatever medium you like best. But, I do think journaling, no matter how you choose to do it, can benefit you in the long run. Think of it as self-care… and these are all the benefits.

1. Organize your thoughts in your journal.

I spend a lot of time journaling purely to organize everything I’ve got running through my head. I always have a million concerns, tasks, things to think about, ideas… and writing them down helps a lot. Sometimes I do four-point brain dumps, where I organize my journaling into MUST-SHOULD-COULD-WANT TO to help me roll through my tasks and overwhelming, pressing thoughts of what I want to do that day.

Other times, I just sit and write out something I’ve been thinking over. An idea that I’m not sure if I should go for or not.

Journaling gives you a chance to pour out everything you’ve been thinking about. Something you want to refer back to or just want to work through. Use journaling to organize your thoughts, answer your own questions, and work through any problems you might be having.

2. Improve writing skills by journaling.

Plain and simple: if you want to be a better writer, journaling will help you get there.

Learning to write things accurately, you write out longer sentences and better solutions, writing in a way that is compassionate or friendly or solution focused… it’s all in journaling! As well, writing, just like any art form, is better with practice. You only become a better writer by writing… so even if you’re not ready to post blogs or publish a novel quite yet, keeping a journal is a great way to write every single day.

3. Use your journal to track goals & problems.

Me: I want to do this every single day.

Two days later: wait, what was it I wanted to do?

Yeah, if you’re like me and you forget things if you don’t write them down, a journal is a great way to focus on your goals, remembering them day-to-day, and tracking what you struggle with, what helps, and more. It can also help you identify and talk through issues you have with goals, as well as noticing patterns in your behavior.

4. Journaling may help relieve stress.

For a long time, journaling has been added to superficial lists of how to “reduce your anxiety or fix your depression.” And I’ll be the first to tell you: I don’t think it will do that. Like at all.

However, if you’re someone who carries a lot of stress chronically, I can really relate. And I’ll be the first to tell you that writing everything down, getting all of those random little stressors out of your head and onto a page… will make a huge difference in your life! Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly stuck on something and it’s stressing me out, taking a few minutes to just list everything that makes me feel stressed about that task is all I need to get on with it.

Journaling at the end of the day is also a good way to turn off your brain and keep those little stress points from keeping you awake.

5. Journaling gives you time to self-reflect.

As we go through our lives, there will be time where we have to make choices. And if you’re like me, sometimes you wonder if you made the right choice. Self-reflection is an incredibly valuable skill; it can help you assess your goals, figure out patterns of behavior that hurt or help you, and be you a better person. Using journaling to ask yourself questions like “did I make the right choice?” or “did my behavior hurt someone?” can be hugely helpful.

As well, it can help you assess things you’re afraid of. One big thing I’ve been tackling in my journaling lately is my fear of asking questions—and when that started, what it’s protecting me from, and more. Throughout my journaling, I try to note times during the day when I could have or should have asked a question and what I felt in that moment. That type of self-reflection is helping me overcome something that has impacted my life ever since I was a child.

6. Journaling can improve your memory.

I have a fairly good memory naturally, but a lot of it is because I write everything down, in the moment and in my journal. At my therapist’s recently, I was listing all my family member’s star charts and she paused me to say, “you have such a good memory!” It’s a blessing and a curse.

But if you struggle to remember things, especially tasks or things people ask you to do, journaling can be a huge help. The act of taking notes has been long confirmed to help improve memory. So writing things down as a way to remember helps you remember, even without seeing the notes (or journal) itself. If your 2020 goal is to remember more of your day-to-day and improve your memory, then journaling is a great option.