3 Things I Stopped Buying in 2016

2016 was a big year for me in terms of learning to budget and, most importantly, learning to save money. 

I've always been what financial types call "a spender." That isn't to say I didn't save money; I did. I regularly went through phases where I saved more than I spent, mostly because I was lucky enough to not need to spend all my money on boring things like bills. I've also, however, gone through periods of time (especially when I was a teenager and right after college) where I spent every penny I made every single paycheck. 

That's not a super fun way to go through life, but you live and you learn, I say. 

However, 2016 really changed things for us. Why? 

Firstly, Forrest's birth was considerably more expensive than we thought it would be. I was in the hospital for a total of 10 days (that bill still makes me cringe) and Forrest was in the hospital for a total of 7 days. Yeah, you read those numbers right. That's 17 days being billed between us, plus labs, medications, and everything else. 

Secondly, because breastfeeding didn't work out for us the way I always planned, we ended up spending a lot of money on feeding supplies: bottles and sanitizers I didn't buy, a bottle drying tree, bottle drying brushes. And then, as time went on, formula. Have you ever looked at how expensive formula is? A 3-day supply (a single can) costs around $17.99 for the more affordable brands. Seriously. By the time Forrest was 8 months and exclusively formula fed, we were spending about $40 a week on formula. 

All these expenses meant it was time to really get a lock on our finances and start saving money. Mainly, I wanted to have more in savings for a rainy day, plus we have some goals for ourselves. Thanks to some clever budgeting and payments, we're going to pay off our car in half the time. 

When it comes to saving money, however, it's often the big, unchangeable expenses that can blow your budget. Most people spend more on rent, food, and utilities than they would like. Without those expensive payments, it was be easy to save money! However, I do believe there are a few little things that anyone can cut out to help them save a little money. 

So, these are the 3 things I stopped buying in 2016 to help us save extra cash. 

1. Impulse grocery shopping. 

My husband and I both got into a very bad habit of stopping at the grocery store every single day. Oh, I want a soda? It's only $2 at the grocery store! Want something a little extra for dinner? Swing by the grocery store! We were regularly doing our grocery shopping, plus we'd spend $5-20 every other day or so. Individually, that doesn't sound like a lot. But if you spend $5 at the grocery store, or convenience store, every single day, plus do a weekly grocery shopping trip, you're breaking your budget. 

Now, I set a grocery budget ($70 a week, usually) and stick to it. We're lucky in that we only have one, small toddler at the moment, so it's easy to stick to $70. And if we need something at the store that I forgot, well, that's just too bad! I put it on the list for next week. 

2. Take out.

Another bad habit: picking up dinner on the way home. Lots of couples do this and it's easy to think, "Oh, this $10 pizza isn't a huge deal!" But if you're buying groceries plus spending $10+ on dinner every night... then why are you buying groceries again? One week, we ended up spending something like $120 on food and I put my foot down! There is no way two people need $120 worth of food in a week! We were wasting groceries and wasting money. So now, we eat at home and that's it. Once in a while, we will have a planned treat, but we budget for it and I don't buy groceries for that day. We've saved so much money this way! Plus, we aren't throwing out food anymore. We use what we buy. 

3. Lunches. 

My husband and I got very used to buying lunch every day at work. But once we had Forrest, that just wasn't possible anymore. I was the first to stop getting lunch every day, which saves us an extra $15+ a week. Then, finally, my husband relented. Every week, I make him 5 breakfast burritos and 5 lunches to take to work; this saves us over $25+ a week, considering my husband would often stop to get breakfast and then get lunch!

It's amazing how a little thing like grabbing a sandwich or a donut in the morning can add up, but it really does. It's also very easy to get into patterns of going to the bagel shop for lunch every day. Now, I make my coffee at home and I pack something small for lunch (usually a cheese stick, an apple, and a bit of leftovers from dinner), and I don't have to worry about spending the extra money! 

On Going Back to Work

I went back to work January 4, after about 14 weeks away. In those 14 weeks, I had had an emergency induction, had Forrest, spent at least 500 hours pumping (seriously, that's about 24 days in total), and had attempted to rapidly adjust to my life as a new mom. 

At first, I went back part-time and we settled into what I like to think as a Very Good routine. However, as Forrest got older, his sleep deteriorated and I was left feeling just as sleep-deprived and vulnerable as I had in the beginning... with the added bonus of being the sole content marketing team member at a promising startup (and wearing multiple hats, like Content Entry Specialist and Graphic Designer and Marketing Strategist/Analyst/Copywriter, etc.) After we decided to sleep train, things improved rapidly, though. 

The best part about Danny being a teacher is that he gets summers off. At the end of June, Danny started staying at home with Forrest full-time while I went to work. The role reversal has been eye opening for both of us. 

What Danny's Learned

I don't write this to call Danny out or anything, but he really didn't understand how difficult it was to stay home with Forrest all day, provide 100% of the care, and not get any help in the evenings. It's a really common attitude among men, especially new fathers (and even experienced fathers!). The logic Danny had was that he was at work, while I was at home pumping, feeding, and taking care of a baby--all while watching TV. Was it that hard? In the evenings, if I asked for help, Danny would often respond that he was 'tired' or he had had a 'long day.' Which very well might have been true--but I had long days with Forrest too. In fact, every day was a long day, even if there were fun parts. Cooking, cleaning, getting groceries with a newborn, pumping, feeding bottles, holding him for hours and hours of naps... it wasn't a walk in the park. 

I think to Danny, he really didn't think that taking care of Forrest all day would be difficult or tiring. In fact, I think he thought he would have all kinds of time for things. 

The first day though, the minute I walked into the house, Danny said, "I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you." He genuinely meant it and, you know what? He wasn't nice to me during my maternity leave, or even when I was a part-time  stay-at-home-mom. He expected me to do the majority of the housework, the cooking, and all of the care for Forrest, just because he went to work. He didn't seem to understand that being a mom and dad are 24/7 jobs--even if you go to a "real" job the rest of the day. I forgive him, though, because everyone has to learn sometime. 

And I like to think I'm being nicer to him than he was to me. 

What I've Learned

I have a very difficult time finding balance in my life even at the best of times--but especially now. My day starts at 5am and I don't really stop working or taking care of Forrest until he goes to bed at 6pm. And then, once I have time for it, I find myself putting off housework. I bounce between work-Michelle, mom-Michelle, and rest-Michelle--without ever being able to stop and do the things I need to, like vacuum the house or make the bed or fold the laundry that's been sitting at the end of the bed for a week. 

Working full-time is a true challenge for me. But I also find myself being happier than I have been. I love being able to go to work, to succeed  in my career while also being a great mom. I find a lot of personal satisfaction from working and having a career--and as much as I love Forrest, I'm not totally willing to give up being both a competent mother and writer. Being both, however, is a real challenge. 

What We've All Learned

Every day, around 1:30, right as I'm starting to pack up my office... I get a text message that says, "Forrest misses you." From 6:30am to 1:30pm is about as long as Forrest can go without seeing me. I'm sure if he had his way, Forrest would be able to spend all day playing on me or near me, but that's not the world we live in, kiddo, sorry. 

A few other lessons include the fact that, when I let go of things, Danny is perfect capable. Danny has so far kept Forrest fed (both bottles and table food, although he's nervous about feeding him things other than Gerber puffs) and has kept him entertained. They've also done lots of fun stuff together, like read books, go on walks, and drive into town.

I worried when I went back full-time in late June that Danny wouldn't be able to handle things without me--but the reality is, it's harder for me than it is for him. 

5 Things I've Learned About Parenthood (So Far)

Being a mom is more challenging than I thought it would be. You feed a baby, you change its diapers, you get it dressed—what’s so hard about that? From the outside looking in, it all seems easy. That’s the first lesson, really: it will never get easy. 

1. The things that seem easy actually aren’t

Between all the easy stuff (the changing diapers, the dressing), there is stuff that is deceptively difficult. I worried about feeding near constantly at the beginning (is he eating enough? how many wet diapers did he have yesterday?) and I did a Google search for every dip in my supply, every rash Forrest developed, every little thing. I researched sleep patterns, nap times, wake times, activities, and everything in between. I was obsessed with making sure he was getting enough, doing enough. Was his development on track? 

It seems so easy. The baby is hungry, you feed him. The baby is sleepy, you put him down and he falls asleep. But it’s not. It’s really not. 

2. When parents say they are busy, they are busy. 

Being busy, for parents, isn’t just something cute to post about on social media. It’s a reality. 

And amongst all of these secretly difficult parts of being a new parent—the feeding, the pumping, the changing, the tracking every detail, the reading, the holding him for every nap—I had to do basic things like clean the house, shower, cook dinner, pay bills, and eat. This is why I spent the first 4 months of Forrest’s life in leggings and sweatshirts. Don’t even talk to me about getting groceries when Forrest was younger than 6 months—it was an undertaking that required planning.

3. It gets “different” (not easier). 

It gets different though—not really easier, just different. That’s the thing about parenthood. I think I know just about how to survive and then Forrest does something different. 

By the time I had Forrest’s nap schedule, poop schedule, and feeding schedule down… he changed it up. He ate more per feeding, less frequently. Cool. He wanted to stay awake longer. Cool. He wanted to stay up late, or go to bed earlier. Or he went two days without pooping and then, bam! Like nothing had ever happened. 

I would love to be one of those parents who keeps their baby on a strict schedule: feedings, naps, meals, bedtimes. But it’s just not possible. I’m impressed by parents who manage to do this early on and can mentally keep track of it. Some days, Forrest’s schedule is set in stone and perfect; some days, he hasn’t had a nap all day and wants to go to bed at 4:30. It’s whatever. 

4. You spend money on stuff you never thought you would. 

A “treat” for me used to be going to Target and buying a new top or dress, or a new piece of home decor. Now, I splurge, almost every trip, on an outfit for Forrest, as many of the baby food packets as I can handle, and potentially a new toy. When we have extra money, we buy things for Forrest: a car seat, a music-playing projector, a big toy. I recently bought myself a new phone case for $8 and felt tremendous guilt about it. I haven’t bought new clothes for several months, but Forrest has enough clothes to last him until December without wearing anything twice. 

Our newest exciting purchase is a miniature toilet for Forrest to start sitting on. I used to spend $20 on a single eyeliner; now I’m researching and reading reviews on the best potty to potty train. 

5. You’ll do things you swore you would never do. 

Like sleep train, or formula feed, or join a mom’s group. Two things I swore I would never do: take a kid who wouldn’t remember it to Disneyland and throw a massive first birthday party. 

Well, Danny and I are planning both of those things for Forrest, so I’m really eating my words there. 

The truth is, you never know what kind of kid you’ll have (a non-sleeper or a good sleeper, a terrible eater or a great eater, an independent baby who can play happily on the floor for hours or a baby who wants to be entertained, by you, until nap time) and so you’ll never know what kind of parent you’ll be until you’re there. 

---

It’s easy to think things will be one way and only that way: you have a “good baby” or a “difficult baby.” But if I’ve learned anything, things can change day-to-day. Some days, it’s so easy. And other days, I want to tear my (greasy, unwashed) hair out. Some days, Forrest is an angel; some days, I swear, he’s trying to make me miserable. 

But then I get to kiss Forrest’s chubby little cheeks, read a book to him, and put him in his cute little shark pajamas, and I realize I get to experience the greatest journey of all mankind. Being a mom isn’t easy, but it’s also pretty great. 

I Promise Not to Wish It Away Anymore

I told myself I would take tons of great pictures of Forrest. As soon as he is sitting up, I thought, I'll be able to take him outside for photo shoots all the time. Well, the sitting up came later than I expected. The first three months of his life passed both agonizingly slowly and insanely fast. I blinked and suddenly he can ride in the seat of the shopping cart and he can hold and feed himself teething biscuits. 

He went from being a barely sentient lump to having likes and dislikes, favorite toys and songs and sounds. This is exactly the stage I hoped for when he was first born. 

And yet (of course there's a "and yet" here), I find myself wishing I hadn't spent those first few months wishing, wishing, wishing for the time to go faster, for him to grow up. I still find myself having those wishes: I wish he could sit up; I wish he could talk and tell me what's wrong; I wish his stomach could hold more milk at once; I wish he napped better; I wish he slept through the night. 

I wanted him to grow up... and he did. And (here's another), I wish I hadn't rushed it. 

As difficult as they were, I miss the days I spent on the couch with him, holding him as he slept, feeding him bottle after bottle, two hours on the dot without fail. I miss his sleepy faces and accidental smiles. I miss being able to swaddle him and lie with him in bed. I wish I'd taken advantage of that--to watch movies, to read, to whatever--instead of wishing he would get bigger, faster. 

On Saturday, I struggled to get a 9 month size onesie over his head. He ate pumpkin, banana, and oatmeal for breakfast. We played and read a book and sang a song. We went to Eugene and he rode in a shopping cart. I took his picture and I thought, I can't believe he's so big. 

Suddenly, I realized that time was drifting past me, whether I felt like it or not: time had gone by and I'd wished it. I don't have any professional photos of Forrest as a baby--only ones taken on my iPhone and a few vague attempts of my own. I dragged Danny outside to take pictures I'd been imagining in my head for months. 

"He's only little for so long," I said, very early in Forrest's life. While I believed it, I also, in the back of my mind, couldn't wait for him to just get bigger. 

I look at him now and all I can think is, just a few more days of this. A few more days before you crawl, before you stand up, before you walk over to me, before you talk. I can't wait to experience every day with Forrest; I can't wait to hear everything he has to say. But I also want just a few more nights cuddling, a few more long naps on the couch, a few more days where he refuses to hold his own bottle as he eats. 

Just a few more days with my squishy baby before he becomes a rambunctious little boy. 

10 Spring Decor Ideas (You Can Use Right Now)

I have never, in my life, been involved in spring cleaning. Pretty much year round, I struggle to keep up with cleaning: the idea of doing a yearly clean out is ultimately appealing to me, but logistically impossible, especially now. Especially with Forrest. Most days, I can sweep my kitchen floors, wipe down my counters and sink, and start to dust before Forrest needs me (to play with him, to feel him, to hold him, or to just pay attention to him). 

That being said, I'm making a dedicated effort to clean my house more regularly, to get rid of clutter (I proudly threw away a bunch of knick knacks I just don't need the other day), and to work on projects I've been meaning to do for ages. Example: about 2 months before Forrest was born, my mom gave me a mirror with a frame and hooks for coats for my entryway. It leaned against a wall until last weekend. That's a solid 8 months, guys! 

I've been pinning home decor ideas like a mad woman recently. I've decided to start from the front of my house and move back and up (and, yes, obviously, I need to get the faucet that flooded my entryway fixed first, oops). I'm so excited to get my house looking like a put-together house, not just a place to hold a bunch of stuff! Here are some of the things I've been pinning lately. Hopefully they inspire you to get a little work done this spring! (Oh and you can always check out what I'm pinning for home decor by following my board here.) 

1. Get Rid of Bathroom Clutter.

My bathrooms are a weak point: to me, they need to be utilitarian because they get so much use. That being said, I also always wish my bathroom would look like a spa. But with a tiny amount of storage and a baby and a husband who isn't great at being clutter free, it's a challenge. I like all these ideas for organizing your bathroom--and bonus, most of the supplies you can find at the dollar store. 

2. Create Great Canisters for Bathrooms, Kitchens, or Kids Rooms!

I have a million coffee containers and formula tubs I've been saving for months. I don't know why I save them, but I always feel guilty throwing something so useful away. Now, there are tons of tutorials for painting containers and turning them into gorgeous storage containers for around your house. 

3. Use Letters and Thrift Store Frames 

Spelling words or names, or including your initials, in home design is a simple way to add a breath of fresh air this spring! Target sells letters in both large and small sizes--as well as a variety of punctuation. I painted Danny & I's initials teal and put them in the entryway... right above that 8-month-old mirror! I also like to go to thrift stores, buy the coolest frames I can find, and spray paint them to match existing decor. 

4. Get Your Pantry Under Control

About three days before Forrest was born, my mom went to Costco for Danny and I; as a result, Danny and his brother, Nate, put away all the groceries and since then... I cannot find a damn thing in my pantry. It's been 6 months! I need to take care of it! I'm loving this pantry and how it looks. 

5. Create a Terrarium. 

I've always loved succulents and I've recently become mildly obsessed with cacti. Terrariums are a perfect, no-stress way to include a little greenery in your home. 

6. Make that Entryway Less Embarrassing

Obviously, this is a personal one for me. I love these ideas for improving, organizing, and decorating entryways. Just because it's a place of transition doesn't mean it doesn't deserve a little TLC. 

7. Remind Yourself: Keep It Clean 

I am of the opinion that if you focus on cleaning a little bit every day, you can avoid doing big, massive cleans every week (or, uh, every 2 weeks...). This is a do as I say, not as I do kind of belief, of course. However, I love these tips for how to just keep your house clean. If you can follow through, it makes life so much more fun! 

8. Have a Guest Room? Make It Awesome. 

I love these guest room ideas! Some of them are easier than others. If you have a guest room (ours is Forrest's room... not that he uses it), it can be fun to make these just a little more beautiful, fun, and cozy for your guests. I especially love the framed wifi password! 

9. Clean Your Home Office

Personally, I have a stack of folders, files, and papers on my desk that's been growing/accumulating since September (yep, when Forrest was born)! Someday, I'll get it all filed and organized... and when that happens, I'll use some of these tips to get my office area cleaned up and looking better! 

10. Want a Picture Collage? Use These Tips 

Getting prints of Forrest, and creating a wall collage, has been on my to do list for ages. I love these tips for organizing, great looking collages. 

Share your spring decor tips and ideas with me on Twitter here!

Does Everyone Think I'm Lazy? (& Other Questions I Ask Myself)

A year ago, I could have read a variety of opinions on pregnancy and dismissed them as a) just jerks or b) valid, if somewhat stupid. But it took reading a variety of comments on a maternity leave blog post to make me realize that some people really do believe that pregnant women are lazy liars who lie and act like special snowflakes. 

The world definitely feels divided into two camps: those who worship pregnancy and act like it's the be-all-end-all of a woman's life; and those who think that pregnancy is the least important thing the world and that pregnant women are just lazy, excuse-makers. 

News flash: neither one of these opinions are very good. 

I read a lot of articles about women in business. Like, a lot. Last week, I read an interview with a woman (who'd been the CEO of a major company) who admitted to believing women who were pregnant or mothers were lazier than other employees.

No dancing around it--that's what she believed. She routinely scheduled last minute meetings at 4:30pm and wondered why female employees with children always said they couldn't make them (were they lazy? Definitely, she believed). She hated that they left at 5pm on the dot. She hated that they didn't go to after work drinks or make the attempt to socialize. She resented them. In an interview once, she didn't stand up for a female interviewee as her male coworker berated the interviewee for having children. She turned down a collaboration with Time magazine because her contact with them had "too many photos" of her kids in her cubicle so she assumed the contact at Time would be flaky. Yeah, she assumed a high-powered exec at Time freaking magazine would be flaky because she had too many pictures of her kids. We won't even get into how she treated pregnant employees: while it is illegal to fire pregnant women, she made it clear she wished she could have. 

This all changed when, surprise, she herself had a child later in life. She realized that mothers couldn't make 4:30pm meetings because they had to pick up their kids from daycare; she realized that was the same reason they were "lazy" and never stayed past 5pm or met up with coworkers for drinkers. She also realized that while they left at 5pm on the dot, they also showed up at 7:30 or 8:00 (about two or three hours before she showed up for the day) and had been working consistently while she enjoyed a workout and coffee. She realized she'd held a lot of really stupid opinions about women and mothers. 

This isn't a topic I really thought about before I got pregnant. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what happened to women with children. I casually avoided those articles about "leaning in" and "having it all." It just wasn't an interest of mine. 

But in the last month, I've found myself thinking more and more about it. I can't brush off negative opinions about pregnant women or mothers anymore because I realize more and more this is how people may begin to see me.  

While reading another article on maternity leave, there were comments that talked about how some people find pregnancy "creepy" or "gross" (ok, fair enough, it's kind of weird). There were also comments that talked about the selfishness and laziness of pregnant women. While I hoped these comments would be singular, I was surprised to see tons of people replying in agreement: that, yes, pregnant women and mothers are obviously lazy and think they are special. 

I always wonder if people like that are projecting. Are they themselves bad at their jobs? Do they wish they could be lazy? Do they want to be the center of attention? Who knows. All I know is: they got on the internet and decided to say pregnant women are lazy and tons of people agreed. 

This made me ask: do people totally think I'm being lazy?

There seems to be the common thought that women who are pregnant (or mothers) just need to "buck up and get to work" and not complain. The fact is, that probably won't be able to happen. Every pregnancy is different, but depending on the individual they might not be physically able to "buck u[ and get to work." If someone is throwing up until 11am everyday, they won't be able to go to work until then. If someone is so tired they fall asleep at 6pm everyday, they probably aren't going to be able to work past 4 or 5pm. Despite what many people think, growing a human being is pretty tiring. 

That doesn't mean pregnant women should get whatever they want. That certainly isn't the case. I still drag myself to work--even when I feel pukey or tired or whatever--and try my hardest to get my work done. However, there are days when I say screw it and take a few hours break or work from home or whatever. That's just the way it is. C'est la vie. Does that make me lazy? Maybe. Could I totally work through it? Probably. But would I be miserable? Yeah.

Maybe that all makes me lazy--and maybe people will judge me for it--but at the end of the day, I think we can all agree: anyone who judges women on their pregnancy or their position as a mother is probably a huge jerk. 

It's Better If We Don't Talk About All the Stuff I Have to Give Up

I promise, seriously, that not every post I write will be about being pregnant. Except this one will be. And maybe a few more. Ok, to be honest, I hate when people get pregnant and it becomes their entire life. I've been a major mommy blog hater for a long time--especially if that blogger started as a non-mommy blogger--and I probably will always be. There is something gross about pimping your kids out for content on the internet. 

That being said, being pregnant is very all-consuming. Being pregnant dictates things you can and cannot do. For example, I can't get dental work until my 2nd trimester (sorry fillings I've put off for a year!), nor can I even get dental x-rays or a cleaning. I can't drink. I can't eat pepperoni or hot dogs or anything with nitrates. I can't drink caffeine. (If you know me, you know giving up Diet Pepsi/Diet Coke is serious.) I have to take prenatal vitamins and occasionally milk of magnesia, dear god. Sometimes, I gag when I clear my throat. 

I have found though that life is better if we don't talk about all the stuff I have to give up, like another trip to Disneyland (sniffle), tuna fish sandwiches, and feeling non-queasy at any given point throughout the day. This is difficult because the question I most often get asked is: "Do you miss ______ yet?" With that blank containing one of the following: coffee; caffeine; fish; sushi; everything; or not being pregnant. 

It's hard to be pregnant in a world where so often being pregnant is focused on the things that happen to me and that I can't have. Pregnancy is so often depicted as a time of vomiting, caffeine deprivation,  and general bitchiness. Which, yeah, I mean, that's not wrong. 

But there is more to being pregnant than feeling sick, mean, and tired. There is a lot more to pregnancy than giving up caffeine and effective painkillers for 9 months. 

Danny and I have decided that every time I get upset about something I can't have, we will turn the conversation to talk about what we will have. That is a baby. I will have a baby. Isn't that way better than a cup of coffee or a Diet Pepsi? As much as I totally would love a hot dog, I'm way more excited about a baby (my baby!) than a hot dog. 

My mom has been pretty shocked by my lack-of-sickness. True: I feel like reheated crap most days, nauseous from morning until evening. However, I haven't thrown up nearly as much as I expected to, given my mom's and my sister's history with morning sickness. My mom always tells me though, "The end result is the same. You get a baby."

There are a lot of things in pregnancy that exist on a person-by-person basis. Some women get implantation bleeding and put a lot of stock in it... but a vast majority of women just don't get it. (Personally, it felt like I'd done a killer ab work out on the day where I think the embryo implanted properly.) It's the same with spotting, with morning sickness, with fatigue. 

To often, people want to simplify pregnancy into a list, a set of symptoms, a state of mind. But it's way more than that. Yeah, I really miss all the stuff I don't get to eat and drink and enjoy right now. I really, genuinely do miss my morning coffee. I also really miss being able to stay up past, like, 7pm. 

But instead of focusing on what pregnancy "should" be like, I think it's more important to focus on how life-changing the next few months will be. In the next few months, I can make memories that last forever, that I can tell my baby about. I'd rather focus on that--not on what I can't do or have right now. 

Remus, the Dog Who Thinks Trash is Food

Well-behaved dogs rarely make history. 

Or at least, I think that's the quote. Either way, it applies to Remus, my 2-year-old Chocolate Lab who is half-terror and half-hilarious. 

When we brought Remus home two years ago, the weekend after Thanksgiving, he immediately helped himself to a razor in the bathroom. I found him on his little bed, with bleeding gums and a guilty face. He hadn't swallowed a blade, but he got time in the kennel anyway. 

Since then, this everything Remus has eaten, to my knowledge: 

• So much toilet paper
• Cotton balls, all of them, even the ones soaked in acetone 
• Paper
• Coffee grounds
• An entire banana peel, except for the stem
• Styrofoam
• The metal piece off a manilla envelope
• Several toys, including one of hard plastic
• A tampon
• A panty liner wrapper
• At least five dryer sheets
• All of the lint that I remove from our dryer

Garbage cans are irresistible to Remus in the way a big plate of donuts are irresistible to most humans. They are his appetizer, his snack cupboard, his everything. Even when I am right there, he will stick his head into the trash can and sniff around. 

Things came to a head over the weekend. On Saturday morning, I noticed a disturbance in the master bathroom. Mainly, the trashcan was considerably... emptier since the night before. As I was doing laundry a few minutes later, I noticed that the trashcan in the laundry room was also... really empty. Hadn't I emptied the lint container at least twice in the last week? 

Remus...

We think he ate about 15 cottonballs, multiple q-tips, and several pieces of floss, as well as a fair amount of lint. I was mainly concerned about the floss -- I mean, it can't be good for the digestive tract, right? The lint is also concerning, as it is heavy and fibrous and decided not a food item. 

I fed him a cup of brown rice and a cup of canned pumpkin after consulting the internet. Nothing in his behavior suggested he didn't feel good -- in fact, I think he felt quite pleased with himself. Mom and Dad were paying lots of attention to him and he didn't even get in trouble, really! How could I punish him? I hadn't seen him do it, but I knew he'd done it. 

The thing about Remus is: right now, he's my baby. Since I can't have a real human baby yet, I have a big, brown, monster of a dog instead. And he is a monster. As sweet and cute and lovable as he is, he is also an absolute monster sometimes. He is unruly, rarely listens to me, and can be downright snotty when you don't pay attention to him. He hogs the bed (yes, all 85lbs of him sleeps on our bed, it's like sharing the bed with an annoying 11-year-old) and his breath really stinks.

He has his moments, of course: he sits to be fed and he stopped jumping on me so much (he still does, however, when he's exciting or thinks he'll get a treat), he doesn't have accidents anymore and he's also stopped throwing up to get my attention. No matter what though, he's my baby and I worry about him almost constantly. 

A few weeks ago, Danny and I came home to the carbon monoxide alarm going off. Our system is one that talks (it's so annoying) and when we got home from work, we heard the beep but not the voice. I thought a battery was dying. We walked inside and Remus didn't make a sound. When I could finally hear the automated voice, I realized it was saying carbon monoxide. I immediately started crying and raced upstairs. Remus is never quiet when we get home and it was so strange for him to be. I was sure he was dead of carbon monoxide poisoning! But no, there he was, sitting in his kennel, being quiet like a good boy for once in his life. 

I worry about leaving him all day. I worry about the food we feed him and the treats he gets (I recently switched from his favorite chewies to a smaller, more expensive brand because the originals were made in South America). I worry about his paws and his claws and his anxiety over having his paws touched. I worry about what would happen if he ran away. I worry about his back and his hips. I worry about the bald patches on his weird elbows and on his chest. I worry that he's dehydrated, too hot, too cold. I worry about the texture of his paws. I worry about everything. 

Which is why it is so, so annoying when he eats the trash. 

"Remus," I say, "Can't you tell that you shouldn't eat the trash? Doesn't it smell poisonous to you? Don't you know how hard I work to keep you safe?" I hold his big head in my hands while he lie on the couch. He wags his tail and tried to lick my hand awkwardly. His big, golden eyes are full of love and admiration. (Not to brag, but I am his favorite in the house. Sorry, Danny.) I imagine his reply: But it tastes so good, mom! He does not understand my hysterical worrying. He also does not understand anything I say to him. He probably knows that his name is Remus (or at least sounds like something with an S on the end), but he doesn't know who I am. That's the problem with dogs. They are naked and clueless 100% of the time, but to us, they're family members. 

My dog is an ill-behaved mess and he loves to eat trash. So I spent a weekend watching him to his business in the backyard and, like the dutiful parent that I am, sorting through it. (Just kidding: it was Danny who did the actual sorting.) We identified clumps of tissue, floss, whole q-tips and cottonballs. All the culprits of my worry. Nothing lodged. 

As a punishment to Remus and potentially myself, I bought all new trashcans -- $50 worth of trashcans, to be precise. Remus has sulked around the house ever since, ruefully chewing on blankets and pillows and bits of wood from the fireplace. 

But at least he can't eat the trash now.