My October 2019 Wrap Up

Sometimes, when I write these wrap up posts, I like to look at last year’s post, just to see how different it is. If I had to put a time stamp on it, I would put October last year as when I started to have a really rough time, not just with blogging, but with my own mental health. The last year has been really hard, with the last 3-4 months being particularly challenging.

I do feel sometimes like I’m writing about this a little too much. How many times can people read “I’m having a hard time right now” without thinking, aren’t you always having a hard time? And yeah, it sure does feel like that doesn’t it. But often, my “hard times” get cut by me forcing myself to do things: signing up for Barre classes, going to meetings even though I feel miserable, joining stock photo subscription services to improve my social media.

What I’m saying is: it’s hard to have on-going, longterm depression, no matter what, but there is something uniquely awful about having high functioning depression. My home never looks totally wrecked; I can’t stay in bed even if I want to (because if nothing else, I have to take care of Forrest); the things I need to do get done. People think I’m ok, but I’m not; they just think I’m a bit of whiner, or an asshole, or both.

All that to say: this year is hard for a lot of people. I didn’t expect for October to be a great month, but I thought perhaps it would be a bit better than it was. October is my favorite month, but part of me can’t wait for it to be over and gone. There were so many things I wanted badly to happen, that didn’t; plans I made that went completely awry; and goals that I just couldn’t reach. I’m making the teeniest, tiniest baby steps towards being better.

One thing that fills me with a small amount of terror about writing all that out is this: in blogging, it often seems best to present yourself as a completed project. It would be very easy for me to slip on a mask and say, I’m a freelance writer now! I’m doing great! I have all the answers! I’m hitting goals and doing well and not crying about Christmas pajamas on a Sunday morning! I don’t lie awake at night wishing that I hadn’t been laid off in July! But that’s just not true. I’m a beginner in this life and it’s not one I really planned on. I still don’t know what I’m doing somedays, as a content marketer or as a parent. I wish I could tell you the exact answers for everything, but I can’t! It’s ok to be a beginner. We don’t emerge fully formed as expert businesswomen ready to sell someone an ebook about how they, too, can be an expert businessman.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s talk about everything that happened this month.

1. Embracing body confidence.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 4, 2019 at 9:20am PDT

(Trigger warning for content!)

I didn’t know how to include this in a heading, but I’m been working on my body confidence lately. Some days are better than others. It’s so very, very easy to indulge in body positivity… for other people. I think like most people who are conscious right now I’m slightly enamored with Lizzo; I wish I could have her behind me, every moment of every day, telling me to believe in myself, that I am lovely and perfect as I am. But it’s hard to embrace my inner Lizzo (is my positive subconscious named Lizzo now!? Yes) when my inner mean ass editor is saying, “you look like a tree trunk” at the same time.

One of the hardest parts of depression for me is that I always gain just enough weight to not fit into about 65% of my wardrobe. I truly don’t care that much, but not having clothes to wear everyday is painful and embarrassing. Day to day, I feel fine in my larger body, but when I’m trying to get dressed and just slightly too large for everything I own? Good god, can my body just stop?

2. We went to a pumpkin patch.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 12, 2019 at 7:55pm PDT

Would it be an October without a trip to the pumpkin patch!? We actually made it twice, once with Danny’s parents and once for Forrest’s first field trip! On our first trip, we indulged in some apple cider donuts from Thistledown Farms in Eugene, which were so delicious. After Forrest’s field trip, he and I carved the pumpkin he picked out, ate cookies together, and talked about his favorite part of the pumpkin patch (the cow train). I’ve loved pumpkins since I was very, very small and pumpkin was one of Forrest’s first words (“pummy”), so this season always means a lot to me. It combines many of my loves.

3. I turned 31.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 20, 2019 at 9:25am PDT

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be surprised with a party on my birthday.

This is somewhat of a pipe dream. I actually hate surprises and I’m type A so I’m involved in everything in everyone else’s life. But I’ve always wanted something like a surprise party. I want to be surprised on my birthday in some way, whether it’s with breakfast or a trip or something. It goes without saying: another year has gone by and this hasn’t happened. It’s no one’s fault, as it’s not like I’m telling everyone, “please surprise me on my birthday.”

A few years ago, I remember I was chatting with someone about birthdays. Mine was coming up and she asked if I was doing anything. My birthday fell on a weekday that year, so I said, “oh no one cares about birthdays! My coworkers don’t even acknowledge it. No one gives a shit.” She looked at me like I was absolutely insane. I have since realized that this is an attitude I’ve adopted in order to protect myself; I want people to care about my birthday, but I worry that, like usual, they won’t (or that asking them to is selfish and they will think I’m awful), so I act like my birthday isn’t a really big deal, even though I want it to be a big deal.

Anyway, this is all to say: the things we do to protect ourselves from pain are odd and varied and, really, how do they come up?

My birthday was a really hard day. Forrest had trouble sleeping, due to being ill, so I was up at 3 in the morning. Once Fo went back to sleep, I just sat up crying. Danny went to the store to get breakfast and some flowers for me. (This was a very sweet gesture and I don’t want him to think I didn’t appreciate it, but, again, it’s one of those things where it’s not a surprise if I know he’s doing it!)

That same day, my niece was born, which was very exciting. We ended up going to the hospital to see her, which was a nice way to distract myself from how sad I felt otherwise. I did treat myself to some new clothes at Target as well.

4. I started thinking about 2020 goals.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 24, 2019 at 12:10pm PDT

I wrote a whole post about it, but one of my big goals for 2020 is to really improve my mental health, implement a solid routine into each day, and work on everything I’ve been working on in therapy. Admitting that I haven’t been doing well (and that being laid off really compounded some pre-existing issues, all while trying to launch my own business or find a way to make money) has been a huge step in opening up and moving past issues that I’ve had for at least 10+ years.

I know many others are thinking of 2020 goals and I just want to always remind everyone (and myself) that our goals are for us, not for other people.

5. I did a lot of cooking & baking.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 25, 2019 at 9:05am PDT

I’ve been in such a cooking mood! Not really for dinner, but just generally. (Ha, isn’t that the worst?!) Every day at 4pm, I make Forrest a pb&j and try to think of something for Danny and I. But when it comes to our lunches each day, I’ve been really pulling out all the stops: squash soup, stir fries, daily smoothies. You know, good stuff. I’ve been baking a lot too; I made my own birthday cake, cookies three times, scones, bread, biscuits.

6. I started working on my inner confidence.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 27, 2019 at 3:05pm PDT

One thing my therapist and I have talked about a lot is my lack of confidence in just about everything I do. I often hear from people that I come off as quite timid, which I don’t necessarily feel, but that probably is a reflection of the fact that I look for cues of approval from just about everyone. I talked about how I often do things only with the thought of others approval in mind. I clean my house not for me, but to make sure no one else thinks I’m messy and to impress (whoever). I apply for jobs to get the validation that I’m good at what I do (and when I don’t get them, I end up defeated and convinced I’m not good at what I do). Learning how to feel validated myself is overwhelming and complicated and hard, but it’s necessary work and I want to do it, not just for myself, but for Forrest.

I know a lot of this wrap up is very wishy-washy not concrete stuff. But I feel like October has been a rough month (I cried so much, guys), but also a month of intense self-growth. I hope you had a great October and here’s to a better November!

My October 2019 Ipsy Glam Bag

Well, well, well, I’m back again with an Ipsy review!

I had kind of resigned myself to stop doing these, as I haven’t been that dedicated to anything beauty. However, after a long think about it with myself, I think it’s incredibly valuable (at least to me and my mental health) to write one thing that brings me joy every once and a while.

Spending all my time trying to craft evergreen content that benefits my blog and my niche and everyone else… it can get really exhausting and I’ve been experiencing a pretty significant period of burn out since probably January. Work has been hard (for all the reasons I’ve written about and others!); blogging has been hard; doing anything other than sitting on the couch and scrolling through Twitter has been hard, honestly.

But part of getting myself out of that slump has required some creativity and motivating myself with something other than building a career (which is overwhelming and exhausting). For me, that means writing about beauty. Even if it doesn’t fit my niche! That’s fine! It’s ok to do things just because they are fun. Not everything has to be about growth and making money. I think this is the issue with blogging for me right now, that the onus is so much on “what’s going to make me grow and make me money” instead of on doing something you enjoy that other people enjoy.

Anyway, thoughts of blogging aside, I’m excited to start doing Ipsy reviews again. You can read my past Ipsy reviews here. If you want to try Ipsy, you can sign up using my referral link here.

1. Beau Cachis Concealer Brush, $11.95

I love a good brush, as I’ve said a few times, but I’m not sure I’ll ever use a concealer brush enough to make it worth it. This is a nice one: nice soft bristles, good handle. I use it to spread my concealer a bit before blending with my Real Techniques sponge, but that’s about it. A nice brush, worth $11.95—not bad! I like it, but I’ll probably not use it too much.

2. Betty Boop x Ipsy Blink & Wink Mascara, $7

Ipsy has restructured recently: it’s now $13 for a regular Glam Bag, you pick one item per month, and they do monthly add-ons. They’ve also started doing their own collabs, which is fine, but these collabs have dominated glam bags for the past few months. The Tetris palette was in my second Ipsy Glam Bag Plus, and I hated it. I don’t mind this Betty Boop mascara—it’s a good formula, but this is the 4th mascara I’ve received in as many months. GOOD GOD! Stop sending me mascara.

The worst part is I think they use these collabs to boost the value of the bags beyond what they should be. This mascara isn’t for sale in full size or at all, so there is no way for me to know how much its worth. The new Ipsy Glam Bags have a guaranteed value, but I’m not sure how they actually calculate that. This mascara is only 5ml; on average, a sample mascara that size would never be valued over $10. Considering this isn’t from a prestige brand, just Ipsy, I’d put it at $7, being totally generous.

But like I said, it’s not a bad mascara; I would just prefer to get known brands from my Ipsy bag.

3. It Cosmetics Your Skin But Better CC+ Cream with SPF 50+, $7.50

This tube is about 1/2 the size of the travel size, which retails for $15; so, I’ve decided to value it at $7.50 ish.

I really like It Cosmetics; I use their powder. I knew I’d probably like this CC+ cream and I do. The color is slightly off for me, but I fully plan to repurchase a full tube once I’m done using it (I use my way-too-light Colourpop Concealer to make it lighter) and I’ll get a better color match then.

It’s really lovely! It has SPF 50 so if you struggle with daily sunscreen (YOU SHOULD BE USING IT!!!) this is a great option. It’s fully coverage, but lighter, and sets really well with the It Cosmetics powder that I love.

4. Soo Ae Panda Eye Brightening Mask, $4 each

I really like these masks! The brand Soo Ae is sold at some Wal-marts, Walgreens, CVS, and the like, but mainly is available from k-beauty websites online. That being said, they are really nice. I like that they are half-size, which means they don’t go over your mouth. They’re cute and they seem to genuinely work. I received 2 in my bag; I originally thought it was 3 (I can’t count), so I was disappointed to pull out the second mask and realize… oh, it’s the only one left. These are something I was definitely repurchase if I ever encountered them in the real world.

5. First Aid Beauty Facial Radiance Pads, $4

I love these! They are an AHA pad, which helps with texture and acne. If you struggle with either of those things, adding an AHA to your routine is key. However, I try to avoid things that come on disposable pads; I prefer to use a reusable pad (or spritz it onto my face without using anything). That being said: they are really good. I actually noticed significant changes to my skin within 3-4 days of using these once a day (at night, as AHA can make your skin sensitive to the sun). God, they’re good! A pack of 28 pads costs $16, however, and the larger pack costs $30+. So for a full month, you’re looking at $16 minimum. That’s quite a bit!

I am valuing these around $4, as 28 pads costs $16. There are about 8-10 pads in this sample pack.

Bonus: Betty Boop x Ipsy Be Cheeky Powder Blush in All Dolled Up, $6

I added this as an add-on because I quite liked the color; online, it looked like a peachy, autumnal color. However, in person, it’s basically bubblegum pink. A perfectly fine blush color, but I have a million of those! I was disappointed to say the least. However, I do quite like the formula; it’s slightly shimmier. It reminds me of Milani blush actually, so I priced this similarly. Again, to reiterate what I said early, I’m naturally suspicious of these Ipsy collections, but I do like both products I received from them, so really, who’s the fool here? It’s me.

Final Thoughts

Final value of around $36.45.

Oof! That’s pretty low. Actually, I think that’s one of the lowest valued bags I’ve ever gotten. Part of that might be that I’m not going to let Ipsy get away with valuing their own products super high; again, ipsy isn’t a well-known make up or beauty brand (besides being a subscription service), they are not a prestige brand, and you can’t buy the two ipsy exclusive products anywhere at all. They aren’t made with another brand. It’s just Ipsy!

I also don’t love that the October bag is Betty Boop’s face; Betty Boop has a slightly problematic history and in general, I just don’t like her, so color me not impressed when we could have had, like, pumpkin anything to better effect.

I realize these all seem like nitpicks, but it’s something to consider when you’re picking a beauty subscription! I did like nearly everything I received, even if I had reservations about it. So while $36 is a very low value, I did like everything, so I can’t complain.

Again, you can read my past Ipsy reviews here. If you want to try Ipsy, you can sign up using my referral link here.

How I Use Hungryroot for Weekly Meal Prep

It took me a long time to warm up to meal prepping; generally, I don’t like microwaved food. I’ve always struggled to eat leftovers. If I can’t effectively warm them up in the oven or on the stove, I probably won’t be eating them. However, ever since I had Forrest, I realized that prepping parts of meals, as well as quick lunches, in advance can be a huge help.

Another huge helper has been Hungryroot. I’ve written a ton of posts about them. Here’s just a few:

• Getting Kids to Eat Hungryroot

• Roadtripping with Hungryroot

• My original reviews

Hungryroot continues to change how they work to make everything easier for us, the busy people who are using them to get delicious food delivered to their door. It’s not just about meal delivery anymore; it’s like a one-stop-shop grocery store. When it comes to customizing your box, you can choose meals to include, or you can pick groceries you need.

As an example, last week, I got two bags of salad, some roasting veggies, a box of Banza pasta, chicken sausage, and almond butter. Just the basics I needed for meal prep that week! It helps so much with grocery shopping. Plus, they’ve started partnering with some amazing brands, like Banza, Right Rice, and Beyond Meat to provide their products. Danny and I have a package of Beyond Meat brats to try and we are so excited!

Want to try Hungryroot? Use the code PAUSESBROWNIES to get FREE brownie batter for life when you sign up.

Ok, let’s jump in and talk about meal prep.

About Meal Prepping Safety

I worked in food service long enough to tell you that when it comes to certain foods, some are safer to meal prep than others. I’m not a huge fan of meal prepping with, say, fish, which goes bad both uncooked and cooked much faster. Things like chicken will be ok for 4-5 days, but I wouldn’t risk over 6 days. Ground beef and other meats are a little heartier, lasting maybe 6-7 days. But again, not over a week.

Anything with eggs needs to be used within 10 days, even if it’s cooked (like pancakes or waffles).

If you’re not sure, don’t risk it. Food waste is real, but there is no point giving yourself food poisoning!

Meal Prep Supplies

You definitely don’t need to invest in those fancy meal prep containers you see on Instagram. Danny and I own a set of these ones, which I find too large. (You’ll see them later in this post!) Otherwise, I use whatever tuperware I have available. We’ve been trying to move away from plastic containers, as we now know that even non-BPA plastics leech into your food, especially if it gets warmed up. We are currently still saving up for a set of nice glass food containers, so please, don’t just my plastic tuperware!

Use what works for you, is all I’m saying. You don’t really need any fancy gear.

Recipe 1: Make-Ahead Breakfast Pancakes

Forrest is a child of routine and in the morning, he wants one of two things: pancakes or waffles. Thankfully, both are really easy to make ahead. You don’t have to rely on freezer waffles (although I will say, there are some great brands of freezer waffle out there now, way better than Eggo) either. I love the Hungryroot Ancient Grain Pancake Mix. Here’s a few notes about it:

“This gluten-free mix comes from quinoa, amaranth, flax, and other nutrient-dense grains—and it makes some of the fluffiest, most satisfying pancakes you’ll ever eat. Top with fruit, yogurt, coconut cream, your favorite nut butter, and/or classic maple syrup.”

That’s right! It’s gluten free! If you have celiacs (or any other problem that makes gluten a no-no for you), this is the ideal pancake mix. I’ve tried a lot of ancient grain style pancake mixes and they often don’t taste great or don’t make very good pancakes. A huge bummer! But this pancake mix isn’t like that. It makes delicious, fluffy pancakes, just as promised. If you want to be adventurous with your toppings, the more savory flavor is ideal; you can add avocado, egg, & bacon, goat cheese & honey, cranberry sauce & bacon… the options are really endless.

As I wrote on Instagram, this mix doesn’t make the sweet-sweet-sweet pancakes we often think of (look at you, Bisquick!). They are definitely more savory, but still really good. To make them, they only require water and oil, but I added an egg and oat milk to make them a little heartier! In the future, I might add a little more oat milk to thin them out—and not scoop as much batter!

We topped ours with mini chocolate chips. Once they were cooked through, I removed them from the griddle and let them cool completely before storing in a reusable bag and putting in the fridge.

Recipe 2: Butternut Squash & Vegetable Soup

Danny loves squash soup—and thankfully, we visited a local farm that had some mini butternut squash and gorgeous acorn squash. I had gotten the Roasting Vegetables with Herbs from Hungryroot as well that I wanted to use to make a soup for Danny to take for lunch. I figured this was a match made in heaven and I was right!

Here’s everything I used for this soup:

• One acorn squash (average size)

• One mini butternut squash (or about 1/3 a regular size butternut squash)

• 1 package Roasting Vegetables with Herbs

• 1 cup of chicken stock

• 1 14-ounce can of fat free evaporated milk (you could also use almond milk or oat milk)

• 3 gloves of garlic

• Salt & pepper

• Red pepper flakes if desired

I started by roasting the squash. Then, I followed the package instructions from Hungryroot for the roasting vegetables, adding the herbs (& garlic) about halfway through until the veggies were soft. Then I put everything in my blender with the chicken stock & evaporated milk and blended it. I put it in a pot on the stove and warmed it through completely together, adding salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes to taste.

For storage, once the soup had cooled, I put it in a large, glass Pyrex with a lid and stored it in the fridge. It lasted for about 5 lunches; Danny ate it either with pepitas (pumpkin seeds) or croutons on top, whatever he had available that day. Tasty and easy!

Recipe #3: Chickpea Pasta with Chicken Sausage

I am a huge fan of Banza pasta, so I was excited to see that it was available from Hungryoot. One of our favorite things to get is the chicken sausage as well, so it was natural to combine both. This is a twist on a classic pasta dish. Here’s everything I used:

• Banza Cavatappi

• Hungryroot Seven Veggie Stir Fry

• Hungryroot Sweet Italian Chicken Sausage

• Hungryroot Kale Pesto

That’s it! It took me maybe 20 minutes to make in total.

• Boil water, add pasta, drain, then toss with pesto.

• Start veggies cooking in a pan with a tablespoon of oil; add chicken sausages and cook.

• Slice sausages and stir with veggies again. Add salt & pepper to taste.

• Dish into containers.

I divvied this up into 3 lunches, then let it cool. Pop on the lids and place in the fridge. Super easy and very tasty!

Recipe #4: Chicken Sausage with Salad & Rice

This is not that different from recipe #3, but different enough that I wanted to share. It’s a little more fresh. Here’s what I used:

• Hungryroot Sweet Italian Chicken Sausage

• Hungryroot Asian Salad Mix

• Hungryroot House Dressing

• Hungryroot Lentil, Quinoa & Rice Mix

• Right Rice

• 1/2 small onion

• About 2 tablespoons chipotle mustard

• 1/3 cup chicken stock

I started by mixing the Asian Salad mix (about half a bag) with 2 heaping tablespoons of House Dressing. Then, I started about 1/2 a small onion sauteeing in a pan with olive oil; I added the chicken sausage and let it start to brown. I microwaved the Lentil mix and mixed it with some leftover Right Rice we had from earlier in the week. Then, I added chicken stock to the sausage and let it simmer. I divvied up the salad and rice mix into my meal prep containers. Once the chicken stock had reduced in the pan, I added 1 scoops of chipotle mustard and stirred. Once it was ready, I split the sausages up. Voila! Done!

Once Danny was at work, he mixed it up all together to eat.

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Meal prep saves time and helps you use more of the groceries you buy—which means you save money in the long run! Hungryroot is a great way to get delicious groceries delivered for prepping meals ahead of time. Again, if you want to try Hungryroot, use my code PAUSEBROWNIES to get free brownie batter for life when you sign up. Click here!

Setting Goals for November (& 2020!)

I’ll be honest: I really didn’t think my 31st trip around this planet would be quite this dramatic. While the past 3 months have been particularly rough, it’s generally been kind of a weird year for me. Actually, the last several years have been super weird in ways I wasn’t always totally prepared for. In many ways, I’ve lost a lot of the wind in my sails that I had previously. My motivation? Gone. My productivity? Non-existent.

I’m working on getting better about it (and part of it is going to therapy and improving other parts of my life that need it).

Several years ago (like in… 2013?) I started doing this thing where I set small goals for myself every single day to pull myself out of a pretty serious slump. I would basically try to do something specific every single day for a week, then pick something else the next week—basically to get myself back into the groove of doing those things. I remember one of my goals being “making my own dinner” (instead of like eating cereal out of a box) everyday and another being “get dressed” every day. Those little baby steps really helped me at that time and I’ve realized I need to start doing things like that now.

It feels so weird to me sometimes that for a long stretch of my life, I was so regimented, motivated, and on top of everything in my life—granted, I was in college, so it wasn’t really that hard. But man! How things have changed!

The hard part is that, of course, I have a lot more responsibilities than I did in 2013 and sometimes they can be incredibly overwhelming in a way that I don’t know how to deal with.

Anyway, that’s a very personal intro to say: I, just like everyone else, am working on who I am and who I want to be; I want to be a better version of myself and I assume you also want to be a better version of yourself; and I hope that learning about my process can help you a little bit. Ultimately, my goal for blogging has always been to share a little bit of my life and help other people in whatever way I can—whether you are looking for a new foundation or are anxious about your career.

As I said, setting small goals has been a huge help to me in the past. For the past week, I’ve been hemming and hawing about how to get myself back in gear and feeling like myself again. What can I do to make things easier? I’ve reorganized my planners & journals, I’ve starting writing down a master to do list of everything I’ve been avoiding for 3 months, and I’ve written down a series of baby steps to help myself get back on the wagon. I wanted to walk through a few of my goals, share what I’m doing, and how I’m implementing everything.

So, without further ado, here are my goals for the end of October into November, and how they translate into my long-term goals for 2020.

1. Pick one weekly goal every week.

I have a planner from 52 Lists (which I highly recommend!) and I’ve started using it to keep track of my weekly master to do list (basically, the to list I have had basically exactly the same for about 12 weeks now), as well as my weekly goals. Here are a few examples of my weekly goals for the next several weeks:

• Take a walk daily.

• Speak to someone besides Danny, my mom, or Forrest every day.

• Journal.

• Get dressed and/or make myself presentable.

I know a lot of those seems really basic (get dressed!?) but let me tell you: the past 6 months have been some of the hardest for me in terms of doing basic, every day “normal” tasks. It goes without saying that I haven’t been having an easy time. It’s hard to talk about, but in many ways, I’m trying to reteach myself how to function every single day as someone other than Forrest’s mother. When things were hardest for me, and I was at my most low mentally, it was easiest for me to channel everything into “do it for Forrest, just get Forrest to school” or “just make sure Forrest is fed and happy”, which took the onus off of me. It was mentally a relief, but I’ve been wearing leggings + baggy t-shirt everyday for a year and a half now; it’s probably time to do something about that.

Anyway, I’m working on getting myself back into the swing of things. Speaking of which…

2. Create & maintain a schedule.

The hardest part of having a child has been the lack of schedule sometimes. When you’re a stay-at-home-mom, you aren’t going anywhere. No one is depending on you, or asking you for anything.

In 2014 and 2015, I was going to work everyday. Waking up, taking a shower, getting dressed, going to work. After I had Forrest, that schedule started to erode. No one really talks about this (or maybe they do, I just haven’t seen it), but having a child really does throw everything sideways. For 3 and a half years, I’ve woken up at 5:30 am or earlier and immediately had a small person attached to me. Maybe sometimes, he napped away from me, but most of the time, he didn’t. If I woke up in the morning, I might have time to make coffee, but not shower; I might have enough time to get dressed in somethings besides leggings (or, maybe not!!), but showering was often out of the question. My schedule eroded. It became wake up to crying baby, get him, feed him, get him changed and dressed, make coffee in a rush, put on clothes that don’t make me feel awful about myself, and get him to my mom’s so I could get to work. Or, if I was home with him, it was jumping into whatever activity I had planned, doing laundry, cleaning, or whatever.

Basically: I need a schedule again. I have to start taking care of myself in the morning again.

It’s challenging because Forrest already wakes up early, so waking up any earlier is extremely painful. Parenthood makes you tired. I’m also 31 now (happy birthday to me!) and I need more sleep than ever, it feels like. Stress, anxiety, depression, and a constant heavy mental load mean I’m just a lot more tired than I used to be—and probably have a headache on top of it.

However, even if I’m working at home, I realize I need a schedule. I need to have expectations. Even if it means just putting on a bra and a different pair of leggings for the day at home with Forrest, that’s probably enough.

So, yes, one of my biggest goals for November and December is starting to have structure in my life again. I need it, I’ve missed it, and I’ve got to do it if I want to feel better anytime soon.

3. Finish NaNoWriMo.

It goes without saying: my biggest goal for November is to finish NaNoWriMo!!! I’m really excited for my story this year and it’s honestly the one thing propelling me through what has been a not-so-great month otherwise.

4. Plan & launch one product before March 2020.

Some of the sneakiest of my readers noticed I had casually added a Products page to my website and then promptly removed it. (It technically still exists, but is in progress!) I’ve had this idea to start selling small ebooks for about a year now, but it makes me nervous. I launched an e-course as a tester a few months ago and it seriously fizzled, but that was partly my fault. One of the things I find most difficult is creating buzz for my own content and really selling it. I don’t like being a salesman, but I’ve realized if I want to be in control of my own life and work, I need to try something different—and selling myself as a freelance writer (and a good one!) means doing sales.

I’ve had several ideas for ebooks and workbooks for a long time, but actually going through with it has been incredibly challenging. I’m my own worst critic and I realize I just need to do it, if I’m ever actually going to get anything done. So yes!! Watch this space!!

5 Essentials for a Cozy Night In

I’ve never been much for going out in the evening—although there is something delightfully nostalgic about late, Autumn nights out with friends. When school starts back again and you have a football game to go to, or you just spend the evening at someone else’s house… everything just feels a bit surreal on those evenings, with the leaves changing, the temperature just a smidge colder than you remember it being barely 3 weeks ago when you were spending summer nights outside. But that being said: I would much rather spend my evening at home rather than going out.

Forrest’s sleep schedule has been bonkers the last few weeks, so Danny and I haven’t gotten as many of our cozy nights together as we like. However, he’s finally figuring things out and getting better, so we’re already planning an Autumnal movie marathon (which is our personal favorite way to spend the evening in Fall). I thought I’d share a few of those cozy night essentials that everyone needs—with some links to my favorite products.

1. A Hot Toddy

Do you like hot drinks? Over the past year, I’ve definitely become more of an iced coffee person—but my day doesn’t start without a hot, cup of coffee. And sometimes in the evening, there is nothing like a good hot toddy or nice cup of tea. I had originally planned to have 4 of my favorite drink recipes up today, but I still have to photograph one of them. Instead, I’ll share these for now: my 4 favorite autumnal teas (still my top 4 Fall favorites!) and 4 hot toddies just for the holidays. Whip up your favorite, settle into the couch, and get ready to be cozy.

2. A good movie

As I’ve said, I have extremely specific movie preferences, but if you’re in need of motivation, here are a few posts I’ve written on the matter:

• My Favorite Movies to Watch in October

• My Top 5 Must-Watch Scary Movies

3. A good board game

Danny is a huge fan of board games and I, unfortunately, am not necessarily. I’ll play, but I don’t love it. He’s always quite fond of card games and has somehow talked my entire family into being obsessed with Cover Your Assets. If you’re indifferent to games and love them, they’re a great way to spend a cozy evening that isn’t watching TV or playing on your phone (although I will personally be curled into a ball on the couch playing with my phone).

4. Your (new) favorite cuddly socks

Little known Michelle fact: I am deeply, deeply obsessed with socks.

One of my weirdest OCD triggers is stepping on any sort of debris in my house in my bare feet, so to minimize this (since it’s impossible to keep your floors 100% clean when you have a dog and a preschooler), I wear slippers and socks nearly constantly in my house. I go through 2-3 pairs of slippers every single year, but in the winter, I start wearing heavy socks.

I, of course, have sock recommendations if you love cozy socks. These are also great under boots if you live in a colder climate, but I mostly wear them around the house so my feet don’t absolutely freeze.

• This 5-pack of socks is amazing; Danny got me a different pattern pack probably 5 years ago and they are still in my weekly rotation.

• These socks are insanely thick and sherpa-lined (which, as we have established, is one of my favorite things… ever.)

• If you want something that is more slipper and less sock, I highly recommend these slipper socks.

5. Good snacks

Who doesn’t love snacks?! I’m sure there is someone out there and you know what? You are valid. (Also, please send me your tips for hating snacks. Thanks.)

Danny and I usually try to have one very healthy snack alongside something slightly more indulgent: we might pick, say, a Daily Harvest* smoothie to share plus Doritos. Or pretzel chips dipped in Hungryroot Almond Butter and buttery popcorn. It’s about balance. On a cozy night in, we like to have a small spread of snacks to eat: fruits & veggies, smoothies, chips, pretzels, a good mix of sweet and savory. Keeping things balanced can keep us from feeling that specific “food hangover” feeling in the morning.

(Psssst… not to be a total shill, but if you want to try Daily Harvest, they have some amazing Autumnal smoothies & harvest bowls right now—and they just introduced grain bowls! You can use my code PAUSES for 3 free cups in your first order!)

My Favorite Scary Stories

Danny and I always say there is a shortage of good, horror novels. There are some out there in the world, but really good horror novels (that are on-par quality and writing wise with other novels) are so hard to find. As I was writing notes for this post, I kept asking him: have we read anything really scary in the last year?

Neither of us could think of anything that was really, really good. Or October-y. Or spooky.

But we did put together a list of novels that were straight up scary the first time we read them—while also being really well written. I wanted to share that list because these are the spookiest books I could think of to read this month.

1. It by Stephen King

I know! I know! This one’s easy, right? But It is one of my favorite books of all time (minus that one weird scene and you all know what I’m talking about). I’m generally not actually a huge Stephen King fan. I know that’s borderline sacrilegious, but I honestly just don’t like his writing style. Also, he has the bad habit of writing very badly about women like, 65% of the time. Case in point: the way child Beverly is described in this book is one of the most problematic parts of it, and that doesn’t include the infamous scene in the sewers. She’s 11? 12? Dude, calm down.

But problems aside, It is a good book: it’s good at building slow dread and describing the way fear permeates a town. It’s a massive book, and can be slightly slow, but god, it’s worth it.

2. Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll

This is one of the best books I read in 2017 and I stand by this: it’s scary as all hell. Luckiest Girl Alive is about a girl who went to a boarding school, survived a school shooting, and grows up to be a magazine columnist. Except, there’s more to the story. It is a harrowing story and the description of the shooting itself is one of the hardest chapters of a book I’ve ever read. The main character is simultaneously relatable (her obsession with her weight, her hard exterior, her desire to climb socially), but extremely unlikeable (for all the same reasons and more). The way she grows as a person throughout the story—both when she was younger and when she’s older—is great. It’s a fascinating, scary, well-written book. I actually just ordered a physical copy so I could read it again and make up the margins.

3. All the Missing Girls by Megan Miranda

I read All the Missing Girls in the Spring and loved it. I immediately thought, I’ll come back to this later. It’s a perfect murder mystery to read in the Fall. The way it’s written is probably the best part: it starts at the end and works its way backwards, then moves to the end again. I love a good small town murder mystery and this one is a great read. Twists, turns, small towns, repressed memories… it has it all.

4. I Am Watching You by Teresa Driscoll

This was another book I read in early 2018, I think, that I absolutely loved. It’s the story of a woman who overhears two girls on a train meeting two boys and agreeing to go party. When a few days later, one of the girls is reported missing, she tells what she knows to the police. Then, things begin to spiral. It’s a great, creepy store that, again, revolves around a mystery. This is another book I need to reread!

Tell me your favorite scary stories! Do you have a book that scared the pants off of you? A short story I need to read immediately?

Are You A Blogger? Here Are 5 Props Perfect for Autumn

Blogging can be hard business. Taking photos is one of my favorite and least favorite parts of it. Sometimes, I really thrive. (I really hit my strive last December.) And sometimes, I’m like, I forgot how to use my camera. (The last, like, 5 months.) I keep a running Amazon wishlist of props that I like; things I see in photos that I love and want to try, or things that I think would add interest and help my photos be a little more visually appealing.

I thought I’d share a few of these props for Autumn, because we could all use a little inspiration sometimes.

1. These Color-Changing Twinkle Lights

These would be perfect for Autumn (orange! purple!) or for Christmas (multi color!), but they would also be kind of pretty for just putting up in my office. I love using twinkle lights in photos because they can help improve the light situation, plus they just look really pretty. These ones are incredibly affordable and really long.

2. Photo Backdrops

Browsing tableux or flatlay backdrops on Amazon is actually a part-time job, it feels like. There are so many options. I personally love these ones because they come with a storage solution (!!!) and you get a huge variety with your purchase. Back in the day, so many bloggers ordered marble vinyl to put on foam whiteboards or pieces of wood. Now, we can just buy a few sets at once. How times have changed!

3. A Ring Dish

Having little dishes, or bowls, in your photos, especially beauty photos, can take the photo from a basic product photo to a scene. I like buying small, cheap ring dishes to use as props. You can use them for anything (jewelry, rings, candy, make up, whatever) and you can find tons of designs. I like this one with constellations, but there are some with beautiful autumnal patterns.

4. A Scarf or Fabric to Add Visual Interest

Want backdrops but don’t want to spend $35 on backdrops that you’re not sure if you’ll use? Let me let you in on my secret: I often use fabric. I have a ton of plaid scarves that I use as photo backdrops throughout the year. I also usually buy a yard or two of fabric that I like if I see some that I think would work, like plaids or small patterns. This is a great affordable options for backdrops: use something you already own or spend $5 instead of $35.

5. A Small Ring Light

Light in Autumn is always a problem. By the time I’m ready to take photos, the sun is gone, it’s dark outside, or it’s pouring down rain. This mini ring light holds your cell phone, but you can also use it as a lighting source for your photos. Use it to film Instagram stories or IGTV videos, then use as a lighting source when you need it. It’s only $13!

Have props you love? Share your tips & tricks in the comments!

My Top 10 Autumn Essentials

Are you ready for a very basic, self-indulgent post? Well, here you go. Your wish is my command!

I know often people ask me what makes me so excited for Autumn. It’s hard to put words on why you like something that you just inherently like. For me, Autumn reminds me of school (I loved school and continue to wish I could be in school forever); Autumn was my birthday season; Autumn had Thanksgiving and beautiful leaves and cozy evenings at home. Autumn had my piano recitals, which I remember for scratchy dresses and standing in a cold hallway waiting to play.

(Here’s a funny story: I thought I had finished and scheduled this post yesterday and was super confused when I didn’t see it go up. Then, realized I hadn’t actually finished it… then I wrote it, accidentally exited without saving it, and now I’m just a wreck.)

I felt like if I had to boil it down, I would probably pick these 10 things as my favorite things about Autumn and/or the things I need the most to make the season happy for me. I’d love to hear what people love or consider essential to their season!

1. Decorative Candles

I normally am pro-scented candles and find the LED light candles kind of hokey… but ever since I had Forrest, I’m more careful about candles. These ones are perfect for a little ambient light in the evening without having to worry about Forrest bumping into them or knocking them over.

These are also great if you have cats, as cats can be super disruptive to candles.

2. Autumn-scented oils

Another alternative to scented candles? Scented oils. This brand can be used for soap making or to diffuse. If you’re nervous about scented candles, these are a great alternative. I have this Autumn set and, dang, it’s so good! Every time I use it, people ask what I have baking! They also make some winter and Christmas themed sets, as well as a Halloween set that looks amazing. Diffusing is a cheap and safe way for people with kids and pets to scent their homes. However, make sure to check the ingredients and your specific pets; some oils aren’t good for pets to get on their skin or inhale.

3. Cozy Sweaters

Did you think I’d skip this?! I’m a sweater girl; if I could wear sweaters year round, I probably would. I hate t-shirts. I hate blouses. I hate anything fussy.

I have this one from H&M, as well as this one from American Eagle that I’m absolutely living in lately. There are a few things I look for in a sweater:

• soft with no wool at all

• baggy

• a neck line that won’t ride up as I’m trying to fix my forward leaning neck (listen, I’ve been using computers like 8 hours a day for 7+ years, it’s a struggle)

4. Good Rain Boots

Growing up, I never owned rain boots. In Oregon, most people operate under the belief that you don’t need day-to-day rain gear unless you’re doing something like hiking or camping. So, yes, every time it rained when I was younger (which was… like, every day of Fall, Winter, and Spring), I just had wet shoes, wet hair, and wet clothes.

I’ve been trying to walk more in the evenings, which I found has helped my stress level a lot. For my birthday, I asked for a pair of good rain boots and friends, Danny delivered. He got them for me early, since it is already cold and rainy here in Oregon. Danny got me these rain boots from Ugg in hunter green. I am obsessed with them.

5. A Good Rain Jacket

Re: rain gear never being a priority… I wanted a good rain jacket this year too. I’ve been searching for the perfect rain jacket (not a coat—I just want something light I can layer over sweaters and dresses). I am particularly attracted to this one. I ended up ordering this one, however, because it’s sherpa lined; I love sherpa everything, obviously. It just looked a little warmer for my early morning walks, plus I liked the olive green color. I’ve been wearing it basically nonstop on my more casual days and gosh, I really love it.

6. Mini Pumpkins

Me walking into the grocery store: stressed, a little angry

Me seeing the little baby pumpkins I can now buy at the grocery store: happy

7. Cozy Movies

Hocus Pocus has been on Freeform nearly every single day of October so far, which is good/a problem because I will literally sit down and watch it every single time. So, I’ve watched Hocus Pocus every single day of October so far.

I love a few, very specific movies for rainy, cold Autumn nights (Hocus Pocus, Trick or Treat, and Coraline), as well as very specific movies for foggy early Autumn mornings (the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Harry Potter movies) and very specific movies for crisp, Autumn afternoons (Monster House, the Addams Family, and Nightmare Before Christmas*). It just depends on the vibe, you know?

*Danny always argues with me that this is not a Halloween/October movie, but I disagree. I think it is a rare breed of movie that can be watched from September 1-January 1. Please vote in this extremely important poll, thank you.

8. Early Morning Rain

In our new house, our bedroom is in the back of the house and the way the gutters are arranged (we have a lower section just below our bedroom window, so a lot of gutters meet right outside our window) means that we hear the rain about 100 times louder than at our old house. At first, it kind of scared me, because I thought a pipe had burst. It sounded like running water! But now it’s just plain soothing. I love waking up to the gentle sound of rain—it helps that my nightly sleep noise is rain as well.

9. Good Coffee

I have accidentally cultivated a “my personality type is COFFEE” behavior in the last few years, which was unintentional. But I went so long not liking coffee that now coffee is a bit novel. That being said: I like coffee all the time, but something about coffee on a foggy, Autumn morning is just different and better.

10. A Fluffy Blanket

I am a blanket fanatic; Danny makes fun of me because during the winter, I often sleep with our comforter, plus two blankets. I like the weight of a good, thick blanket. I like soft blankets, sherpa or fleece or preferably both. I’m less concerned with aesthetics, but my blankets have to be something I’ll use. Smaller, heavy, thick, soft blankets are my favorite. If I’m sitting down in my house, I undoubtedly have a blanket on or near me. I have an office blanket, a bedroom blanket, a couch blanket… It’s a problem. (No, it’s not.)