How a Shanti Bowl Can Help with Meditation

You might be wondering: Michelle, what is a Shanti bowl?

Well, let’s start at the beginning.

Ever since July when I got laid off, I’ve been struggling a lot with anger. Sometimes, I will get so angry, I just want to scream at somebody. I’ve never really had a temper before and while I think I can be a bit of a whiner (I just took a DNA test, I have a Taurus rising, yo I got whining problems, it’s the Taurus in me), I never would have called myself angry. I don’t like arguing or fighting; I’ve never raised my voice at someone in my life unless it was to stop them from stepping out into the street or something.

But after being laid off, I was angry. I was mad at everyone and damn if they didn’t know it.

My therapist recommended a lot of techniques to help me get this under control. I don’t like being angry; I don’t like feeling like I can’t control an emotion. I especially didn’t like that my anger was irrational and illogical; big things would leave me feeling blank (like finding out I would probably never receive payment for my 265 hours of PTO) and little things would send me careening over the edge (like finding a bug on the wall). I started doing breathing exercises and journaling and slowly, my anger started to get better.

But it was still there, like a tagalong friend that I didn’t want around.

So when Shanti Bowl reached out to me recently, I was excited. Shanti Bowl is a company that makes Tibetan singing bowls. It’s also a company owned by the same person who owns Prana Brush, which I reviewed here. I love being able to support small businesses, especially when I’ve had great results in the past. I’ve been using my Prana dry brush religiously since I received it, so of course I wanted to try a singing bowl!

Funny enough, Danny was perhaps a little bit more excited about the singing bowl than I was: he has used it in his classroom before to help his students practice mindfulness. It was him who taught me how to use it and who primarily plays it for me in the evening.

Here’s a full description of a singing bowl in case you’re still confused:

“According to ancient Tibetan teachings, the existence of singing bowls dates back to the time of Buddha. Singing bowls produce beautiful music which invokes deep meditative and peaceful states. Singing bowls are often used in yoga, reiki, music therapy, and sound healing. The rich harmonies produced by singing bowls help balance the body’s chakras, eliminate stress, and promote holistic healing.”

Basically: it makes a nice noise that helps in meditation, can help relieve stress, and help you feel better.

Sold.

One of the techniques my therapist recommended for both anger and anxiety was to take a big breath in and imagine a pitcher filling with water; then when you exhale, imagine pouring the pitcher out. Over and over, this is very soothing: imagining the feel, the sound of the water, everything. I have found that the singing bowl works especially well when I’m doing this exercise; the sound helps me focus on what I’m doing (breathing, imagining) and nothing else.

In the evening, Danny will often play it while I lie in bed or on the couch and we just have a nice, quiet time together. It sounds boring, but for two people with a young child, who both work jobs that are stressful in different ways… it helps so much.

The best part about this singing bowl from Shanti is that it’s gorgeous! I keep it on a shelf in my living room and I have gotten so many questions about it from people when they visit or watch my Instagram stories. Here’s another quote from Shanti Bowl:

“Our handmade singing bowls are unparalleled in beauty and quality. Each bowl is carefully hand-crafted by skilled Tibetan artisans using traditional techniques. In accordance with an ancient Tibetan formula, our singing bowls are made of “panchaloga”, which is a Sanskrit word meaning a five-metal alloy that includes copper, zinc, iron, and traces of gold and silver. Our bowls create an incredible sound with rich, warm and vibrant overtones. Each bowl also comes with a gorgeous hand-carved wooden mallet. The result is a beautiful piece of functional art with incredible healing properties.”

Whether you are more interested in how pretty they are or how they can help you meditate (or you just want to make fun music), a Tibetan singing bowl would make a great, unique Christmas gift for someone in your life (or yourself, let’s be honest).

If you’re struggling with anxiety, anger, or depression, they can help so much with meditation and focusing in on your breathing, how you feel, and releasing the negative feelings you’re holding onto. I highly recommend it!

To learn more about Shanti Tibetan singing bowls, click here. You can also learn how to play a singing bowl (super helpful as a novice!).

My October 2019 Wrap Up

Sometimes, when I write these wrap up posts, I like to look at last year’s post, just to see how different it is. If I had to put a time stamp on it, I would put October last year as when I started to have a really rough time, not just with blogging, but with my own mental health. The last year has been really hard, with the last 3-4 months being particularly challenging.

I do feel sometimes like I’m writing about this a little too much. How many times can people read “I’m having a hard time right now” without thinking, aren’t you always having a hard time? And yeah, it sure does feel like that doesn’t it. But often, my “hard times” get cut by me forcing myself to do things: signing up for Barre classes, going to meetings even though I feel miserable, joining stock photo subscription services to improve my social media.

What I’m saying is: it’s hard to have on-going, longterm depression, no matter what, but there is something uniquely awful about having high functioning depression. My home never looks totally wrecked; I can’t stay in bed even if I want to (because if nothing else, I have to take care of Forrest); the things I need to do get done. People think I’m ok, but I’m not; they just think I’m a bit of whiner, or an asshole, or both.

All that to say: this year is hard for a lot of people. I didn’t expect for October to be a great month, but I thought perhaps it would be a bit better than it was. October is my favorite month, but part of me can’t wait for it to be over and gone. There were so many things I wanted badly to happen, that didn’t; plans I made that went completely awry; and goals that I just couldn’t reach. I’m making the teeniest, tiniest baby steps towards being better.

One thing that fills me with a small amount of terror about writing all that out is this: in blogging, it often seems best to present yourself as a completed project. It would be very easy for me to slip on a mask and say, I’m a freelance writer now! I’m doing great! I have all the answers! I’m hitting goals and doing well and not crying about Christmas pajamas on a Sunday morning! I don’t lie awake at night wishing that I hadn’t been laid off in July! But that’s just not true. I’m a beginner in this life and it’s not one I really planned on. I still don’t know what I’m doing somedays, as a content marketer or as a parent. I wish I could tell you the exact answers for everything, but I can’t! It’s ok to be a beginner. We don’t emerge fully formed as expert businesswomen ready to sell someone an ebook about how they, too, can be an expert businessman.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s talk about everything that happened this month.

1. Embracing body confidence.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 4, 2019 at 9:20am PDT

(Trigger warning for content!)

I didn’t know how to include this in a heading, but I’m been working on my body confidence lately. Some days are better than others. It’s so very, very easy to indulge in body positivity… for other people. I think like most people who are conscious right now I’m slightly enamored with Lizzo; I wish I could have her behind me, every moment of every day, telling me to believe in myself, that I am lovely and perfect as I am. But it’s hard to embrace my inner Lizzo (is my positive subconscious named Lizzo now!? Yes) when my inner mean ass editor is saying, “you look like a tree trunk” at the same time.

One of the hardest parts of depression for me is that I always gain just enough weight to not fit into about 65% of my wardrobe. I truly don’t care that much, but not having clothes to wear everyday is painful and embarrassing. Day to day, I feel fine in my larger body, but when I’m trying to get dressed and just slightly too large for everything I own? Good god, can my body just stop?

2. We went to a pumpkin patch.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 12, 2019 at 7:55pm PDT

Would it be an October without a trip to the pumpkin patch!? We actually made it twice, once with Danny’s parents and once for Forrest’s first field trip! On our first trip, we indulged in some apple cider donuts from Thistledown Farms in Eugene, which were so delicious. After Forrest’s field trip, he and I carved the pumpkin he picked out, ate cookies together, and talked about his favorite part of the pumpkin patch (the cow train). I’ve loved pumpkins since I was very, very small and pumpkin was one of Forrest’s first words (“pummy”), so this season always means a lot to me. It combines many of my loves.

3. I turned 31.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 20, 2019 at 9:25am PDT

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be surprised with a party on my birthday.

This is somewhat of a pipe dream. I actually hate surprises and I’m type A so I’m involved in everything in everyone else’s life. But I’ve always wanted something like a surprise party. I want to be surprised on my birthday in some way, whether it’s with breakfast or a trip or something. It goes without saying: another year has gone by and this hasn’t happened. It’s no one’s fault, as it’s not like I’m telling everyone, “please surprise me on my birthday.”

A few years ago, I remember I was chatting with someone about birthdays. Mine was coming up and she asked if I was doing anything. My birthday fell on a weekday that year, so I said, “oh no one cares about birthdays! My coworkers don’t even acknowledge it. No one gives a shit.” She looked at me like I was absolutely insane. I have since realized that this is an attitude I’ve adopted in order to protect myself; I want people to care about my birthday, but I worry that, like usual, they won’t (or that asking them to is selfish and they will think I’m awful), so I act like my birthday isn’t a really big deal, even though I want it to be a big deal.

Anyway, this is all to say: the things we do to protect ourselves from pain are odd and varied and, really, how do they come up?

My birthday was a really hard day. Forrest had trouble sleeping, due to being ill, so I was up at 3 in the morning. Once Fo went back to sleep, I just sat up crying. Danny went to the store to get breakfast and some flowers for me. (This was a very sweet gesture and I don’t want him to think I didn’t appreciate it, but, again, it’s one of those things where it’s not a surprise if I know he’s doing it!)

That same day, my niece was born, which was very exciting. We ended up going to the hospital to see her, which was a nice way to distract myself from how sad I felt otherwise. I did treat myself to some new clothes at Target as well.

4. I started thinking about 2020 goals.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 24, 2019 at 12:10pm PDT

I wrote a whole post about it, but one of my big goals for 2020 is to really improve my mental health, implement a solid routine into each day, and work on everything I’ve been working on in therapy. Admitting that I haven’t been doing well (and that being laid off really compounded some pre-existing issues, all while trying to launch my own business or find a way to make money) has been a huge step in opening up and moving past issues that I’ve had for at least 10+ years.

I know many others are thinking of 2020 goals and I just want to always remind everyone (and myself) that our goals are for us, not for other people.

5. I did a lot of cooking & baking.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 25, 2019 at 9:05am PDT

I’ve been in such a cooking mood! Not really for dinner, but just generally. (Ha, isn’t that the worst?!) Every day at 4pm, I make Forrest a pb&j and try to think of something for Danny and I. But when it comes to our lunches each day, I’ve been really pulling out all the stops: squash soup, stir fries, daily smoothies. You know, good stuff. I’ve been baking a lot too; I made my own birthday cake, cookies three times, scones, bread, biscuits.

6. I started working on my inner confidence.

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A post shared by Michelle | Blogger & Marketer (@michellelocke6) on Oct 27, 2019 at 3:05pm PDT

One thing my therapist and I have talked about a lot is my lack of confidence in just about everything I do. I often hear from people that I come off as quite timid, which I don’t necessarily feel, but that probably is a reflection of the fact that I look for cues of approval from just about everyone. I talked about how I often do things only with the thought of others approval in mind. I clean my house not for me, but to make sure no one else thinks I’m messy and to impress (whoever). I apply for jobs to get the validation that I’m good at what I do (and when I don’t get them, I end up defeated and convinced I’m not good at what I do). Learning how to feel validated myself is overwhelming and complicated and hard, but it’s necessary work and I want to do it, not just for myself, but for Forrest.

I know a lot of this wrap up is very wishy-washy not concrete stuff. But I feel like October has been a rough month (I cried so much, guys), but also a month of intense self-growth. I hope you had a great October and here’s to a better November!

Setting Goals for November (& 2020!)

I’ll be honest: I really didn’t think my 31st trip around this planet would be quite this dramatic. While the past 3 months have been particularly rough, it’s generally been kind of a weird year for me. Actually, the last several years have been super weird in ways I wasn’t always totally prepared for. In many ways, I’ve lost a lot of the wind in my sails that I had previously. My motivation? Gone. My productivity? Non-existent.

I’m working on getting better about it (and part of it is going to therapy and improving other parts of my life that need it).

Several years ago (like in… 2013?) I started doing this thing where I set small goals for myself every single day to pull myself out of a pretty serious slump. I would basically try to do something specific every single day for a week, then pick something else the next week—basically to get myself back into the groove of doing those things. I remember one of my goals being “making my own dinner” (instead of like eating cereal out of a box) everyday and another being “get dressed” every day. Those little baby steps really helped me at that time and I’ve realized I need to start doing things like that now.

It feels so weird to me sometimes that for a long stretch of my life, I was so regimented, motivated, and on top of everything in my life—granted, I was in college, so it wasn’t really that hard. But man! How things have changed!

The hard part is that, of course, I have a lot more responsibilities than I did in 2013 and sometimes they can be incredibly overwhelming in a way that I don’t know how to deal with.

Anyway, that’s a very personal intro to say: I, just like everyone else, am working on who I am and who I want to be; I want to be a better version of myself and I assume you also want to be a better version of yourself; and I hope that learning about my process can help you a little bit. Ultimately, my goal for blogging has always been to share a little bit of my life and help other people in whatever way I can—whether you are looking for a new foundation or are anxious about your career.

As I said, setting small goals has been a huge help to me in the past. For the past week, I’ve been hemming and hawing about how to get myself back in gear and feeling like myself again. What can I do to make things easier? I’ve reorganized my planners & journals, I’ve starting writing down a master to do list of everything I’ve been avoiding for 3 months, and I’ve written down a series of baby steps to help myself get back on the wagon. I wanted to walk through a few of my goals, share what I’m doing, and how I’m implementing everything.

So, without further ado, here are my goals for the end of October into November, and how they translate into my long-term goals for 2020.

1. Pick one weekly goal every week.

I have a planner from 52 Lists (which I highly recommend!) and I’ve started using it to keep track of my weekly master to do list (basically, the to list I have had basically exactly the same for about 12 weeks now), as well as my weekly goals. Here are a few examples of my weekly goals for the next several weeks:

• Take a walk daily.

• Speak to someone besides Danny, my mom, or Forrest every day.

• Journal.

• Get dressed and/or make myself presentable.

I know a lot of those seems really basic (get dressed!?) but let me tell you: the past 6 months have been some of the hardest for me in terms of doing basic, every day “normal” tasks. It goes without saying that I haven’t been having an easy time. It’s hard to talk about, but in many ways, I’m trying to reteach myself how to function every single day as someone other than Forrest’s mother. When things were hardest for me, and I was at my most low mentally, it was easiest for me to channel everything into “do it for Forrest, just get Forrest to school” or “just make sure Forrest is fed and happy”, which took the onus off of me. It was mentally a relief, but I’ve been wearing leggings + baggy t-shirt everyday for a year and a half now; it’s probably time to do something about that.

Anyway, I’m working on getting myself back into the swing of things. Speaking of which…

2. Create & maintain a schedule.

The hardest part of having a child has been the lack of schedule sometimes. When you’re a stay-at-home-mom, you aren’t going anywhere. No one is depending on you, or asking you for anything.

In 2014 and 2015, I was going to work everyday. Waking up, taking a shower, getting dressed, going to work. After I had Forrest, that schedule started to erode. No one really talks about this (or maybe they do, I just haven’t seen it), but having a child really does throw everything sideways. For 3 and a half years, I’ve woken up at 5:30 am or earlier and immediately had a small person attached to me. Maybe sometimes, he napped away from me, but most of the time, he didn’t. If I woke up in the morning, I might have time to make coffee, but not shower; I might have enough time to get dressed in somethings besides leggings (or, maybe not!!), but showering was often out of the question. My schedule eroded. It became wake up to crying baby, get him, feed him, get him changed and dressed, make coffee in a rush, put on clothes that don’t make me feel awful about myself, and get him to my mom’s so I could get to work. Or, if I was home with him, it was jumping into whatever activity I had planned, doing laundry, cleaning, or whatever.

Basically: I need a schedule again. I have to start taking care of myself in the morning again.

It’s challenging because Forrest already wakes up early, so waking up any earlier is extremely painful. Parenthood makes you tired. I’m also 31 now (happy birthday to me!) and I need more sleep than ever, it feels like. Stress, anxiety, depression, and a constant heavy mental load mean I’m just a lot more tired than I used to be—and probably have a headache on top of it.

However, even if I’m working at home, I realize I need a schedule. I need to have expectations. Even if it means just putting on a bra and a different pair of leggings for the day at home with Forrest, that’s probably enough.

So, yes, one of my biggest goals for November and December is starting to have structure in my life again. I need it, I’ve missed it, and I’ve got to do it if I want to feel better anytime soon.

3. Finish NaNoWriMo.

It goes without saying: my biggest goal for November is to finish NaNoWriMo!!! I’m really excited for my story this year and it’s honestly the one thing propelling me through what has been a not-so-great month otherwise.

4. Plan & launch one product before March 2020.

Some of the sneakiest of my readers noticed I had casually added a Products page to my website and then promptly removed it. (It technically still exists, but is in progress!) I’ve had this idea to start selling small ebooks for about a year now, but it makes me nervous. I launched an e-course as a tester a few months ago and it seriously fizzled, but that was partly my fault. One of the things I find most difficult is creating buzz for my own content and really selling it. I don’t like being a salesman, but I’ve realized if I want to be in control of my own life and work, I need to try something different—and selling myself as a freelance writer (and a good one!) means doing sales.

I’ve had several ideas for ebooks and workbooks for a long time, but actually going through with it has been incredibly challenging. I’m my own worst critic and I realize I just need to do it, if I’m ever actually going to get anything done. So yes!! Watch this space!!

5 Essentials for a Cozy Night In

I’ve never been much for going out in the evening—although there is something delightfully nostalgic about late, Autumn nights out with friends. When school starts back again and you have a football game to go to, or you just spend the evening at someone else’s house… everything just feels a bit surreal on those evenings, with the leaves changing, the temperature just a smidge colder than you remember it being barely 3 weeks ago when you were spending summer nights outside. But that being said: I would much rather spend my evening at home rather than going out.

Forrest’s sleep schedule has been bonkers the last few weeks, so Danny and I haven’t gotten as many of our cozy nights together as we like. However, he’s finally figuring things out and getting better, so we’re already planning an Autumnal movie marathon (which is our personal favorite way to spend the evening in Fall). I thought I’d share a few of those cozy night essentials that everyone needs—with some links to my favorite products.

1. A Hot Toddy

Do you like hot drinks? Over the past year, I’ve definitely become more of an iced coffee person—but my day doesn’t start without a hot, cup of coffee. And sometimes in the evening, there is nothing like a good hot toddy or nice cup of tea. I had originally planned to have 4 of my favorite drink recipes up today, but I still have to photograph one of them. Instead, I’ll share these for now: my 4 favorite autumnal teas (still my top 4 Fall favorites!) and 4 hot toddies just for the holidays. Whip up your favorite, settle into the couch, and get ready to be cozy.

2. A good movie

As I’ve said, I have extremely specific movie preferences, but if you’re in need of motivation, here are a few posts I’ve written on the matter:

• My Favorite Movies to Watch in October

• My Top 5 Must-Watch Scary Movies

3. A good board game

Danny is a huge fan of board games and I, unfortunately, am not necessarily. I’ll play, but I don’t love it. He’s always quite fond of card games and has somehow talked my entire family into being obsessed with Cover Your Assets. If you’re indifferent to games and love them, they’re a great way to spend a cozy evening that isn’t watching TV or playing on your phone (although I will personally be curled into a ball on the couch playing with my phone).

4. Your (new) favorite cuddly socks

Little known Michelle fact: I am deeply, deeply obsessed with socks.

One of my weirdest OCD triggers is stepping on any sort of debris in my house in my bare feet, so to minimize this (since it’s impossible to keep your floors 100% clean when you have a dog and a preschooler), I wear slippers and socks nearly constantly in my house. I go through 2-3 pairs of slippers every single year, but in the winter, I start wearing heavy socks.

I, of course, have sock recommendations if you love cozy socks. These are also great under boots if you live in a colder climate, but I mostly wear them around the house so my feet don’t absolutely freeze.

• This 5-pack of socks is amazing; Danny got me a different pattern pack probably 5 years ago and they are still in my weekly rotation.

• These socks are insanely thick and sherpa-lined (which, as we have established, is one of my favorite things… ever.)

• If you want something that is more slipper and less sock, I highly recommend these slipper socks.

5. Good snacks

Who doesn’t love snacks?! I’m sure there is someone out there and you know what? You are valid. (Also, please send me your tips for hating snacks. Thanks.)

Danny and I usually try to have one very healthy snack alongside something slightly more indulgent: we might pick, say, a Daily Harvest* smoothie to share plus Doritos. Or pretzel chips dipped in Hungryroot Almond Butter and buttery popcorn. It’s about balance. On a cozy night in, we like to have a small spread of snacks to eat: fruits & veggies, smoothies, chips, pretzels, a good mix of sweet and savory. Keeping things balanced can keep us from feeling that specific “food hangover” feeling in the morning.

(Psssst… not to be a total shill, but if you want to try Daily Harvest, they have some amazing Autumnal smoothies & harvest bowls right now—and they just introduced grain bowls! You can use my code PAUSES for 3 free cups in your first order!)

My Top 10 Autumn Essentials

Are you ready for a very basic, self-indulgent post? Well, here you go. Your wish is my command!

I know often people ask me what makes me so excited for Autumn. It’s hard to put words on why you like something that you just inherently like. For me, Autumn reminds me of school (I loved school and continue to wish I could be in school forever); Autumn was my birthday season; Autumn had Thanksgiving and beautiful leaves and cozy evenings at home. Autumn had my piano recitals, which I remember for scratchy dresses and standing in a cold hallway waiting to play.

(Here’s a funny story: I thought I had finished and scheduled this post yesterday and was super confused when I didn’t see it go up. Then, realized I hadn’t actually finished it… then I wrote it, accidentally exited without saving it, and now I’m just a wreck.)

I felt like if I had to boil it down, I would probably pick these 10 things as my favorite things about Autumn and/or the things I need the most to make the season happy for me. I’d love to hear what people love or consider essential to their season!

1. Decorative Candles

I normally am pro-scented candles and find the LED light candles kind of hokey… but ever since I had Forrest, I’m more careful about candles. These ones are perfect for a little ambient light in the evening without having to worry about Forrest bumping into them or knocking them over.

These are also great if you have cats, as cats can be super disruptive to candles.

2. Autumn-scented oils

Another alternative to scented candles? Scented oils. This brand can be used for soap making or to diffuse. If you’re nervous about scented candles, these are a great alternative. I have this Autumn set and, dang, it’s so good! Every time I use it, people ask what I have baking! They also make some winter and Christmas themed sets, as well as a Halloween set that looks amazing. Diffusing is a cheap and safe way for people with kids and pets to scent their homes. However, make sure to check the ingredients and your specific pets; some oils aren’t good for pets to get on their skin or inhale.

3. Cozy Sweaters

Did you think I’d skip this?! I’m a sweater girl; if I could wear sweaters year round, I probably would. I hate t-shirts. I hate blouses. I hate anything fussy.

I have this one from H&M, as well as this one from American Eagle that I’m absolutely living in lately. There are a few things I look for in a sweater:

• soft with no wool at all

• baggy

• a neck line that won’t ride up as I’m trying to fix my forward leaning neck (listen, I’ve been using computers like 8 hours a day for 7+ years, it’s a struggle)

4. Good Rain Boots

Growing up, I never owned rain boots. In Oregon, most people operate under the belief that you don’t need day-to-day rain gear unless you’re doing something like hiking or camping. So, yes, every time it rained when I was younger (which was… like, every day of Fall, Winter, and Spring), I just had wet shoes, wet hair, and wet clothes.

I’ve been trying to walk more in the evenings, which I found has helped my stress level a lot. For my birthday, I asked for a pair of good rain boots and friends, Danny delivered. He got them for me early, since it is already cold and rainy here in Oregon. Danny got me these rain boots from Ugg in hunter green. I am obsessed with them.

5. A Good Rain Jacket

Re: rain gear never being a priority… I wanted a good rain jacket this year too. I’ve been searching for the perfect rain jacket (not a coat—I just want something light I can layer over sweaters and dresses). I am particularly attracted to this one. I ended up ordering this one, however, because it’s sherpa lined; I love sherpa everything, obviously. It just looked a little warmer for my early morning walks, plus I liked the olive green color. I’ve been wearing it basically nonstop on my more casual days and gosh, I really love it.

6. Mini Pumpkins

Me walking into the grocery store: stressed, a little angry

Me seeing the little baby pumpkins I can now buy at the grocery store: happy

7. Cozy Movies

Hocus Pocus has been on Freeform nearly every single day of October so far, which is good/a problem because I will literally sit down and watch it every single time. So, I’ve watched Hocus Pocus every single day of October so far.

I love a few, very specific movies for rainy, cold Autumn nights (Hocus Pocus, Trick or Treat, and Coraline), as well as very specific movies for foggy early Autumn mornings (the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Harry Potter movies) and very specific movies for crisp, Autumn afternoons (Monster House, the Addams Family, and Nightmare Before Christmas*). It just depends on the vibe, you know?

*Danny always argues with me that this is not a Halloween/October movie, but I disagree. I think it is a rare breed of movie that can be watched from September 1-January 1. Please vote in this extremely important poll, thank you.

8. Early Morning Rain

In our new house, our bedroom is in the back of the house and the way the gutters are arranged (we have a lower section just below our bedroom window, so a lot of gutters meet right outside our window) means that we hear the rain about 100 times louder than at our old house. At first, it kind of scared me, because I thought a pipe had burst. It sounded like running water! But now it’s just plain soothing. I love waking up to the gentle sound of rain—it helps that my nightly sleep noise is rain as well.

9. Good Coffee

I have accidentally cultivated a “my personality type is COFFEE” behavior in the last few years, which was unintentional. But I went so long not liking coffee that now coffee is a bit novel. That being said: I like coffee all the time, but something about coffee on a foggy, Autumn morning is just different and better.

10. A Fluffy Blanket

I am a blanket fanatic; Danny makes fun of me because during the winter, I often sleep with our comforter, plus two blankets. I like the weight of a good, thick blanket. I like soft blankets, sherpa or fleece or preferably both. I’m less concerned with aesthetics, but my blankets have to be something I’ll use. Smaller, heavy, thick, soft blankets are my favorite. If I’m sitting down in my house, I undoubtedly have a blanket on or near me. I have an office blanket, a bedroom blanket, a couch blanket… It’s a problem. (No, it’s not.)

Life Lately: 5 Things I Learned Last Week

I have found myself waffling back and forth between two plans lately.

Sometimes, I’m fully committed to being freelance: I post on LinkedIn, I network, I make meetings, everything.

And other times, I just wish I had a job again: a job that I turned off, that I could clean out my office for, that I could drive to everyday and have coffee provided.

If you don’t follow me on Instagram, then you don’t know the big, bad, and also very weird thing that happened to me last week. I’ll get to it!

But it’s definitely thrown me for a loop. I’ve recommitted to going freelance, even though it is hard, and makes me tired, and fills me with anxiety in ways that are both good and bad. The last few weeks have been a series of lessons, over and over. I wanted to share a few things as I know that many are on this journey with me. If you’re thinking of going freelance or becoming self-employed (or starting your own business), you’ve probably felt a few of these things. And if you, like me, have had moments of self-doubt and tried to reconnect to a different path, well, you might feel some of these too.

1. Sometimes, anxiety is self-protection.

As I wrote in my newsletter two weeks ago, my therapist often talks to me about how my anxiety and self-doubt is often me trying to protect myself. I hold myself back in ways I don’t truly understand because I’m afraid of being rejected—and then when I step outside my comfort zone and experience rejection, it just reinforces the “you should have anxiety about this,” or “you are an imposter and you aren’t good at your job” feelings. (If you aren’t subscribed to my newsletter, then, baby, please do.)

The past two weeks have been anxiety central for me. Which is crazy because I had one week where everything went fantastic: I had meetings scheduled every single day, I was networking, I was sending emails, I felt amazing. But then, the next week, it’s like it all came crashing down and I didn’t know how to cope.

Anxiety is often what I describe as a combination of my gut feeling (which is instinctual) and this buzzing in my brain that seems to resonate with “wrong, wrong, wrong, something is wrong.” It’s hard to have the two happening at the same time and wonder if one is correct and the other isn’t. It’s hard to trust myself when what I inherently think (go the easy route, don’t make waves) is often a way of protecting myself from experiencing rejection or anxiety.

Anyway, this is all to say: I’ve been working on how I react to things and how I make decisions. I sometimes jokingly say that I am a classic Libra because I can’t make decisions. But the truth is, I struggle with making big decisions because I tend to make life decisions focused on what other people would want, rather than what I would want myself.

2. My gut feeling is usually correct.

It’s time for me to write the big, bad, weird story here & talk a little bit more about what it made me learn.

This might feel a little contradictory to my last point, but I sometimes just get a gut feeling about things. This won’t go well or This doesn’t seem right. It’s not anxiety, exactly, but sometimes a part of it. Sometimes, it’s just a feeling I have that I can’t totally explain.

Anyway, let’s talk about the big bad: I was offered a job.

Let’s rewind: two weeks ago, I went to an interview where they loved me. I met with an executive, who thought I would be great in the role, but wouldn’t be happy. She then offered to accelerate starting their marketing department so that I would be added to it. She would get back to me in a few days. A few days later, we scheduled a phone call. I clarified my schedule (I want to be able to pick up my son in the afternoon, but I could work from home as much they wanted). They had never done a remote position before, but were willing to try. She said they would be sending a job offer by the next day.

The next day, Tuesday of last week, I woke up from a nap to see an email from her, telling me they would not be sending me a job offer specifically because I wanted to be able to pick up my son in the afternoon.

I know this is not the worst example of anti-mom bias in the workplace. I know that. I also know I’m in a really privileged position to be able to ask for that, but I don’t think it should be a privilege. I think it should be assumed that parents need to be able to leave to get their kids when school is over, but if they work a job that is 100% online the way marketing is, then why can’t they just finish up the last two hours of work from home?! I just don’t get it.

I cried a lot.

But, I had been nervous about getting the job offer. I’d debated back and forth with Danny about accepting it. And a small part of me on Tuesday thought: this isn’t right. This isn’t going to happen the way I think it will.

Even as I got excited to accept the job. Even when I thought about the salary and how it would have changed our lives. (We could afford a vacation, for once.)

I was still devastated when I got the email, but I found myself thinking: that gut feeling was right. That feeling I got that they wouldn’t be understanding of my role as a caretaker and mother was right. I was right. It still royally sucked, but I was right. It just sucks.

3. Sometimes, a bad thing leads to a good thing.

The day after I got that awful, no good email, I got a text message about a potential freelance gig. I was groggy, with that “hungover from crying” feeling. I was in a bad mood all day, mostly lying on the couch and sometimes texting Danny, “I had already planned a celebratory Disneyland trip in my mind.” (Yes, I know that is full-blown emo, but what can I say?)

But I scheduled another meeting for a freelance gig. Because why not? Because why stop myself just because I’ve had a rough week?

4. It’s ok to get in your feelings about it—but sometimes your primary feeling isn’t the right one.

As I said, I cried a lot last Tuesday. (And unfortunately, a lot of this blog post is about that email on Tuesday. God, it sucked!) I cried a lot and even though I’d had this gut feeling that it wasn’t the right job for me even though it paid so well and I wouldn’t have to worry about money and it seemed perfect… I still had the feeling that it wasn’t quite right.

But I also had that feeling of: I’m a failure, I fucked up, I’m stupid, I shouldn’t even apply to jobs because no one wants to hire a mother, everyone thinks I’m an idiot.

But then I talked to my former boss and she told me that there was no reason blaming myself. What kind of company offers someone a job, then yanks it away because they decide they don’t like the already agreed upon schedule? Especially in marketing, where a flexible schedule is sort of… the point of working in marketing? “Be angry,” she said.

The right thing is not: “I fucked up.” The right thing is: “they fucked up and I’m so angry.”

The worst part is that companies here in Eugene so often complain about being unable to hire good talent. They can’t find people to hire or the people who apply don’t have enough experience. I have 5 years experience; I am a high level marketer; I’m very good at what I do! I am the good talent! But because businesses see “work” as being 40-60+ hours a week in an office, no exceptions, they aren’t willing to accept people who might need other schedules: mothers, or people with disabilities, or anyone else who just doesn’t want to be chained to a desk. Millennials have a much different view about what it means to work “full time” and it’s time for everyone else to catch up.

I sat up on Tuesday night until nearly 3 am writing a blisteringly angry article for LinkedIn. I probably won’t post it, but God, it felt good.

5. It’s ok to be content.

“I should be making more money,” I thought. But is that right? Do I need to be making more money?

If you can’t tell, a big part of why the loss of that job offer sucked is because the salary was good. Full disclosure, I’ve never been motivated by money when it comes to my jobs; I just want to work and to be quite honest, I have a really hard time understanding salary comparisons. I have known, at least somewhat, that as a marketer I should have been making more money ages ago, but it didn’t really matter to me. We got by.

It’s only been the last probably year where things felt really tight, but that was for reasons sort of beyond our control. We had a year of bad financial set backs and then, in 2019, my workplace was becoming more and more financially unstable as well. (Again, no one’s fault! Just the way the cookie crumbles.)

So the idea of a lot more money was huge. We haven’t been on a real vacation since we went to Disneyland in June 2017 and friends, I am exhausted. I think about getting in my car and just driving away at least once every single day. I have worked, for at least 5 hours, every single day since June 2017 on either this blog, or work, or some other professional capacity.

As much as I wish we could be saving more money, I have also realized it’s ok to just get by for a little while, especially if it means improving my mental health. Money is nice and I wish we could afford a trip to take a break (we both need, Forrest needs it), but I’m ok with waiting if it means I’m not continually being punched in the gut by companies!

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Whew, I know that was a lot but it felt good to write out. I’m trying to look at the next few weeks with positivity. I have time to make Forrest a birthday cake, to take him to school most days, to pick him up from school and love him. It has been a rough few weeks for me, but I’m lucky to be doing as well as I am, considering everything.

With that said: how have you been doing? Share with me!

Life Lately: August 2019 Wrap Up

August was a rough month for me!

There, I said it. It’s been the undercurrent of everything I’ve posted, on Instagram, on my blog, on Twitter, for the past month and it’s hard to not seem like a total sad sack about everything. But I’ve felt like a total sad sack!

July was emotional: I was laid off and scrambling, feeling totally adrift.

In August, I started taking on some freelance work, but not a lot. It lacks the structure that I like to have. I’m committed to freelance work for now because it’s what I have available to me at the moment. I’m keeping an open mind, but going freelance is much easier said than done.

Anyway, let’s back up and talk about August.

1. We went to the coast!

I wrote about our trip to Rockaway Beach here. I was a bit of a mess on this trip; it was so close to being laid off and I was still dealing with a lot of anxiety and fall out from it. I wanted to have more fun than I did, but it was still enjoyable. Next time, I’m going to try not to get laid off, like, right before a trip I’ve been looking forward to for months.

2. I filled my schedule completely full for 3 weeks and nearly lost my mind!

I scheduled appointments with friends.

I got coffee with coworkers.

I visited digital marketing agencies.

I emailed everyone I’ve ever worked with to grab coffee.

I went to interviews.

I worked at coffee shops.

I spent time outside the house.

And honestly, it nearly killed me. Last week, I had three appointments nearly every single day of the week. It was great for my business (so much freelance work!), but it was not-so-great for my mental health. In the future, I’m going to keep specific days open for appointments and keep everything in those days if I can help it. Easier said than done, but last week was a lesson in “too much.”

3. I bought a new computer.

So about that working in coffee shops bit… I have an iMac, which I love, but when I went to work in coffee shops, my ancient (circa 2010!!) Macbook was not cutting it. I tried updating it to the newest OS, but I cannot remember my admin password. Oops! So I decided to scrape together some money and buy a new computer because it felt like an investment that was worth it. It’s been really nice being able to actually work now when I’m at coffee shops and I’ve gotten a lot done.

4. I wrote a lot.

When I wasn’t sending messages on LinkedIn or answering phone calls, I decided to write. I worked on my NaNoWriMo outline; I started several short stories; I’ve started writing poetry again. I hate not having anything to do and without work, I tend to be a bit listless. However, writing felt good. It felt good to just write again, even if it’s “purposeless.” Writing just for fun was a high point, honestly.

Things I’m Looking Forward to in September

I’m looking forward to the start of Fall. I know everyone who knows me is tired already, but yes, I am ready. Yes, I have a pumpkin outside my house already. And a scarecrow. No, I won’t stop being Like This.

I’m also looking forward to more days at home, working. Forrest is going back to school and Danny is going back to work, so I’ll fall into my routine a little bit and be able to actually get work done. A win win for everyone involved, honestly.

I’m looking forward to saving some money! Danny and I really have our hearts set on a big vacation in the next year. We were on our way to saving for it when I got laid off and ended up using a lot of our savings on bills and moving expenses. Major downer, but I’m hoping that with some good freelance work in the next few months, we’ll be back to our usual savings.

How was your August? Tell me about it!

How to Handle Rejection in Your Career

In case you’re wondering how my freelance prospects have gone the last few weeks, here’s a good example conversation I feel like I’ve had about 400 times:

Prospect: So how much would that be?

Me: Well, I charge $250 for an initial strategy, then actual content creation would be $800 per month.

Prospect: (sharp inhale of breath, mild gasp) well that’s just too much! I guess we’ll think about it and get back to you.

Readers, they do not get back to me. They’re never going to back to me. I know that. You know that. They know that.

Even worse than this example is the people who arrange meetings with me, sit across from me in coffee shops acting interested, or spend an hour on the phone with me pretending to be interested, only to ask the inevitable: “So what happened with [name of agency]?” (In case you didn’t read this blog post, I got laid off from the agency I worked at for 5 years, alongside all my coworkers. It sucked, but I’m doing ok!)

I know what I look like when that happens: the smile on my face becomes just a little more strained, my eyes crinkled up. I want to cry because I always know the question will come in every interview and meeting and phone call for the next few years. I have to say the same thing over and over: “It’s not really my story to tell and if you met with me for gossip, you met with the wrong person.” After that, we usually finish up our coffees and they pretend to want a rate sheet, or they pretend that they’ll let me know when they want to move forward and sign a contract. But they won’t. They won’t answer my phone calls or respond to my emails.

I know that. You know that. And they know that.

It’s fine, really. I have some prospects that look great. But the type of rejection I’ve been getting lately has been different from any other type of rejection I’ve ever experienced. It’s not just not getting a job where there were tons of applicants and, ok, maybe I’m not the most qualified. It’s rejection based entirely on me and my skill level and what I’m asking to be paid. Or worse, it’s a type of rejection that happened before I even got a chance: they only wanted to talk to me for gossip that I was never going to use to leverage getting paid.

I feel a lot of things about being laid off, about losing a job I’ve loved for 5 years, but one thing I’ll never feel is like I have to use any gossip about that job in order to get paid. I’d rather be dirt poor than do that, thank you very much.

It sucks to be told you’re charging too much. It sucks to feel like people only want to talk to you so they can get dirt on someone else. (And they’re never going to get dirt about other people from me, that’s just the rules.) And it sucks to have all of this happening when I otherwise feel really vulnerable and unsure about my future and what I want and what I’m doing generally.

Rejection sucks even at the best of times. But when you’re already struggling, it can feel like an even bigger burden.

Luckily, I’ve found a few ways to deal with my feelings of rejection in the last few weeks. I wanted to share them, as I know for many women and young professionals, rejection can be a huge barrier many of us face as we start our careers. Whether we are just out of college, going back to work after maternity leave, or starting fresh after being laid off (or simply leaving a toxic workplace), the truth is we are going to get rejected. It doesn’t have to be such a big knock to your confidence, so let’s talk tips for coping.

1. Fill Your Time

I recently signed up for Vix Meldrew’s Grow & Glow, which I highly recommend for bloggers. The reason is because I needed something to do. I just… needed something! I don’t know how to explain it, but I couldn’t spend one more of my scheduled “work hours” applying to jobs, rewriting my resume for the 400th time, or drafting a LinkedIn post. Or worse, writing another networking email.

I needed something positive to channel all the energy I usually dedicate to my job into it. Something! Anything! So I decided, for the equivalent of $13 a month, Grow & Glow was the perfect level of dedication: modules I can work on at my leisure, always giving me something to read, watch, and journal about when I’m sitting in a coffee shop.

I’m not tell you to sign up for Grow & Glow. (Although, again, I really love it! It’s helped my blog immensely in the last few weeks.) I am telling you to find something to use your energy on. If you’re currently looking for a job, or you are starting your career, or you just have hours to fill that you wish you were spending working on something… find something to fill your time. It might be a cheap online course. It might be a new certification. It might be learning a new language! Anything that will help you and your career and give purpose to your days is important, especially if you struggle with anxiety when you don’t have anything to do.

I know for me, I hate not having at least 2-3 things on my to do list every day. So having something that I can automatically look to for tasks is important.

2. Spend Time with Friends

If you’re struggling to start your career, or really getting down about your career prospects, here’s one thing to consider: spend some time with your friends. I know it can feel daunting, especially if you’re not working while everyone else is. (I definitely felt this just after I had Forrest; I wasn’t working, at a job at least, but everyone I knew was and it was an incredibly isolating experience.) However, send that text message or email. Reach out on Facebook or LinkedIn. Meet with old coworkers, or old friends, or new friends. Meet for coffee. Talk about what you’re going through. Ask for advice. Ask for potential connections.

Even if nothing comes from it, spending time with your friends can boost your mood and help alleviate the isolation you can feel when you’re getting rejected (by jobs, by potential clients, by what feels like everyone). Reach out to your friends, let them know what’s going on in your life, and they’ll be more likely to check on you as well.

3. Take Care of Yourself

This goes without saying but: rejection often isn’t personal.

Even though it feels personal (and lately, everything I’ve experienced feels SO intensely personal), it’s really… not. It’s not! If you don’t get a job you really wanted, it most likely isn’t because you are lacking in some way; it’s because there were tons of qualified applicants and they just happened to pick someone over you. If a prospect says “no” to your freelance services, it’s most likely not because they don’t like you; they probably just aren’t ready to commit anyway (and would therefore probably have made a terrible client).

You deserve a career that leaves you feeling fulfilled and happy. You will find it.

But in the meantime, when everything you’re told feels like a slamming door in your face, take care of yourself. Take a long bubble bath. Read your favorite book. Go out to dinner even though you’re stressed about money. Take your kids to the park or go to a music show with your partner or friends. Don’t treat yourself badly just because you feel badly about how the world is treating you. You come first in your life, so take care of you, show yourself love, and don’t allow rejection to turn into self-hatred.

4. Look at Rejection Realistically

Like I said: rejection is hardly ever personal. Sometimes it is, that’s true. Sometimes, you just might not click with a client.

I recently had to fire a client who I had actually been working with for a long time. I had had some reservations starting work with this client from the get go; they seemed disorganized, very slow to reply, and unsure of what they needed and what they were doing. But I personally really liked them. I should have said, “You know what? No.” I should have been the one to reject them, but I didn’t because I didn’t want them to think I didn’t like them or support their business. (I do like them and I do want to support their business.)

Things went bad fast. They were not an ideal client. They didn’t reply to emails and then, weeks later, would question why something hadn’t moved forward. (Because they hadn’t replied to my emails!) Long story short: I should have said no. Because rejection is about doing the best work possible sometimes, not about how much we like someone.

A potential employer can like you a lot and think you’re incredibly talented… and still say no. Here’s another example: since I graduated college in 2011, I have applied and interviewed at a business at least 4 times! Every single time, the owner tells me how incredible I seem as an employee, how impressed she is with my skills… then she hires someone else. For a long time, I thought she was just doing this to neg me or make me feel inferior—or worse, she was just lying about my skills. But recently, I was talking about this with someone and they said, “she probably thinks you’re great, but just not right for that specific job.” Isn’t that the truth? The rejection wasn’t personal; I just wasn’t the best fit for the job, even though I desperately wanted to be.

All I’m saying is: when it comes to getting that “no” (that can be so painful, so ill-timed), sometimes it’s not really about you. Sometimes it’s about someone else. Not every “no” is a “not good enough”; most of the time, “no” is just “sorry, no.”

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Do you have any tips for handling rejection? Share with me in the comments!